Feeling lonely, isolated, or disconnected is one of the most significant risk factors young people face. These feelings leave them vulnerable to suicidal thoughts, alcohol or drug misuse, and many other risky behaviors. When raising a tween or teen who is already facing challenges like abuse, loss, or neglect, the risk factors for these behaviors increase.
Building Connection to Help Tweens and Teens Develop Identity
You can counter these risks by intentionally building a connection with your grandchild. These years are their time to figure out who they are becoming. When you are committed to helping them become their best selves, you should be prepared to get outside your comfort zone. Being present and safe for them might look different than you’ve experienced in other relationships. The outcome, however, is worth the effort! You can be an active part of helping your grandchild develop a strong sense of self and connection to where they fit in the world.
Here are some practical ways to build connections with your tween or teen:
1. Open your home.
You don’t need to create involved, expensive, or lavish events. Honestly, the simpler and more low-key, the better for most teens! Order pizza, put great snacks on the table, get out the board games or video controllers, and make your house the place to be. Welcome their friends and provide safe (but not hovering) supervision where they can build connections with their peers.
The added benefit is getting to know their friends! Gatherings in your home are fantastic opportunities to see this grandchild through their peers’ eyes. You can learn a lot about what they are attracted to, how their social skills develop, and what kind of friends they attract.
2. Help your loved one find their niche.
Whatever makes this young person teen light up, do that! Whether it’s a sport at school, instrumental lessons, art classes, dance, or theater, help your teen figure it out and go all in with them. They may not prefer your noticeable presence or participation in these activities – and that’s okay. Maybe you can find a less visible way to join them and still affirm their choices and talents. For example, you can offer to be the “snack person” for each meeting or clear your garage for rehearsals.
3. Create family rituals.
While this young person is living in your home, create regular events they can count on for connection. Whether you do a weekly movie night, cook together on the weekends, or host an ongoing card game with their favorite candy as currency, your traditions become the ties that bind. This consistency and predictability build trust and safety amid their strange, challenging season of developing their sense of self.
4. Try new things together.
Let your grandchild experience what it’s like to have fun with you. Try some new things together where you both are new and learning:
- Try a new recipe or type of food from around the world.
- Learn a new hobby or a sport together.
- Take a community class like cooking, martial arts, or creative writing.
Let your grandchild pick something they want to learn and go all in together. You’re guaranteed to get some great laughs together, which build connection and happy memories between you. You are also showing them the value of continuing to learn across all stages of life.
5. Let your teen teach you something new.
When you are trying new things together, you will boost your connections by asking your grandchild to teach you one of their skills. Get into their world and invite them to show you how to do that new TikTok dance or a soccer trick they’ve perfected. When a child can be better than their grown-ups at a skill, their self-confidence and self-respect increase! The bonus is that you can also show them you are interested in what interests them.
6. Don’t ask too many questions!
To most tweens and teens, questions from adults can feel intrusive and “over the top.” Our questions also increase their sense that we expect “more” from them: the “right” answers, to share more than they are ready to share, and so on. We might be causing them to shut down rather than opening up to connection.
If you are incredibly motivated to improve these interactions with this tween or teen, ask what feels “too much” for them. Is it three questions? Is it when you ask the questions? Are they more likely to open up or shut down in the evening? Or in the morning?
Then, try tracking your habits of questioning them on a chart. When you’ve gone over the limits that you decided on tighter, reward them. It’s fun to show your grandchild that you can be accountable for what you discussed. You are also showing that you are willing to keep learning and trying to support them better.
7. Continue offering physical affection.
When your grandchild was younger, hugs and cuddling on the couch might have been part of your daily expression of affection. This tween or teen’s need for physical affection has not changed. After all, all humans need some physical touch and affection to feel connected. However, how this tween or teen prefers to express and receive affection may differ in this stage of life.
Some kids don’t reject the occasional hug but might prefer a daily fist bump or high-five instead. When you are working in the kitchen side-by-side, offer a shoulder bump. Back scratches or shoulder rubs at the end of the day can be calming and still convey your affection. It’s also an excellent opportunity to practice physical closeness without the eye contact that might feel “too much” for them.
The Most Important Tip of All for Connecting with Teens
So many times, you hear about the “dreaded teen years.” Indeed, adolescence can be challenging for the adults who love them – and for the young people themselves.
But there is also much to celebrate at this stage.
The most important tip is to delight in your young person! Don’t be so afraid of all the “what ifs” and new dilemmas of adolescence that you forget to enjoy who they are right now. Some days, it will be more challenging than others. However, try to look for the joy in being with them as they pursue their developing identity. You can both experience great pleasure in your relationship when you’ve created this connection and can see who they are now and who they are becoming.