Do you ever feel overwhelmed or confused by your grandchild’s behavior? Do you wonder how to help them stay on task at home and school? It’s common for kids impacted by trauma or loss to also struggle with challenging behaviors as they cope with the painful experiences they’ve endured. However, it’s also common for kids to have brain differences that make it even more challenging to cope. One such brain difference is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
What is ADHD?
ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) is a chronic (meaning ongoing) brain difference that affects approximately 10% of kids aged 17 years and younger. It’s more common in boys than girls and children of color are more likely to be diagnosed than their white peers.
There are three main symptoms used to determine an ADHD diagnosis: inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. When you are raising a child diagnosed with ADHD, it’s important to remember that they will not outgrow this brain difference. However, they can grow into a healthy, productive adult with the correct support and tools to help them manage their differences.
The symptoms of ADHD
Inattention:
- Difficulty paying attention, easily distracted, daydreams
- Appears to not listen
- Quickly goes off task, both for work and play
- Struggles to pay attention to or care about details or mistakes
- Follow-through and completion of tasks are challenging
- Is disorganized (desk, room, workspaces are cluttered)
- Frequently loses important items
- Forgetful or absentminded
- Prefers to avoid ongoing tasks that require sustained effort or attention
Hyperactivity
- The body and brain seem to run in constant motion
- Difficulty staying seated in class, church, movies, etc.
- Is squirmy, fidgety, or restless
- Talks too much, interrupts, talks over others
- Runs jumps, and climbs everywhere, even when it’s not appropriate
- Struggles to play quietly – and not even aware of it
Impulsivity
- Blurts out or speaks without thinking
- Takes off running out into the street or parking lots, mindless of traffic or safety
- Struggles to take turns
- Waiting and understanding the passage of time is challenging
- Calls out answers before the question is complete (in the classroom, for example)
- Interrupts conversations frequently
Doctors and therapists use these symptoms and how they combine in each child’s unique experience to diagnose the different categories of ADHD. Those three categories are:
- Inattentive only (formerly known as attention-deficit disorder or ADD)
- Hyperactive/impulsive
- Combined inattentive/hyperactive/impulsive
If you are raising a grandchild or other loved one and observe any of these symptoms for six months or longer, consider speaking to their pediatrician or school psychiatrist. They can perform diagnostic evaluations to determine a specific diagnosis.
Supporting a Child with ADHD at Home
When a child has an ADHD diagnosis, you can speak with their medical team for advice about medication, diet changes, and other recommendations they offer patients. It’s a uniquely personal decision to medicate a child with ADHD or not. Educating yourself and the child’s parents on the pros and cons gives you a greater chance for successful management. However, there are practical things you can (and should!) do at home, no matter what the medication decision is.
Set Up a Predictable, Consistent Schedule
Every child in your home will benefit from a regular routine they can count on. But your grandchild with ADHD needs this tool to help them stay on track and feel successful. Break up the day into manageable portions and focus on a short list of specific tasks they must accomplish to keep their day on track. For your little ones, use a picture schedule that evolves as they learn how to read. Your older grandkids might benefit from a checklist or an app that helps them move through the day.
Start the Day on the Right Foot
Your mornings typically focus on getting everyone up and out the door to work, school, and childcare. You want the mornings to be pleasant, so the kids start the day with nurture and connection. Try to prepare as much beforehand as possible, the night before, to avoid the panic, rush, or dysregulation of a chaotic morning. Build nighttime planning into your evening routine in some of these ways:
- Pack backpacks and diaper bags after dinner
- Put all the bags, shoes, and coats by the door
- Pack lunches and snacks, and fill water bottles
- Lay out medicines, breakfast bowls, cups, etc.
- Set smart devices or phone alarms to give warnings or time updates
Hold Space for Homework, Chore-Time, and Bedtime Consistently
As part of the manageable portions of your day, make sure that you include time and space for regular daily chores and homework time. It will help if the kids do homework in the same space, at the same time, every day. Limit the distractions that would take your grandchild off task and get their buy-in for how their homework space functions. Choose simple daily chores that are age-appropriate but also that go toward the general well-being of your home. Being part of the “team” builds connection and helps wire their brain to know where they fit in the scheme of your household.
Prioritize Family Mealtimes
A regular family meal can be a tremendous tool for building connections and strengthening your family unit and individual members. Here are a few basic rules for making your family meals “ADHD-friendly.”
- Turn the television off.
- No phones, iPods, earbuds, tablets, or other devices at the table.
- Come prepared to share.
- No disagreements or problems during the meal.
Try to keep the time around your table pleasant and focused on keeping up with each other’s daily experiences. Consider using conversation starters like these if you are not accustomed to engaging like this. Consider how you can bring each family member into preparations (meal planning, prepping, clean up, etc.) to maximize the connection and minimize the stress on your shoulders. You will also build a sense of responsibility and family unity when each member contributes.
Family mealtimes can be challenging to coordinate in your family’s busy week, but taking the time together reaps the benefits of consistency, predictability, and connection – and not just for your grandchild with ADHD!
Have Fun Together
Kids with ADHD often feel as if they are “bad” or “difficult” because they struggle with behaviors that may frustrate their teachers, parents, and grandparents. Help this grandchild find their unique strengths and talents – and capitalize on them. Whether joining a community group or cheering on the sidelines of a sports event, they need to know that you find joy in being with them. They will be more open to learning how to self-manage their ADHD challenges when you cherish them and accept them for who they are.
If you struggle to meet this child where they are, consider what you see them enjoying. How can you join them in that venture? What makes them light up, and when do you see them expressing pure joy? Those are the areas where you can start to connect.
Make Your Home a Safe Space
When you are raising a grandchild or other loved one with ADHD, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by their distractibility. It’s a frustrating disorder to parent – however, try to remember that it’s just as frustrating (and maybe even more so?) for this child. They often feel shamed, left out, or chastised for their brain differences and behaviors. Your goal is to make your home a safe space where they know they can succeed. They deserve to feel proud of themselves and who they are – and you have this precious time with them to do that.
Sources: Understanding ADHD: Information for Parents and Data and Statistics about ADHD