Adding a child to your family changes how you function in your home. Frequently, the kids already living in your home feel these changes most profoundly. This article will refer to them as “resident children.”
Tips to Prepare Resident Children
Whether you are offering a grandchild, nephew, or family friend a safe place to land, it’s crucial that the resident children feel secure, safe, and prepared. We understand that welcoming another child to your home often happens with little notice. Still, these tips can be used before and during your transition time.
Tip #1 – Read and Play Together
It’s essential to help the resident children understand that every family is different. Help them feel comfortable with different races, ages, genders, and personalities. You can normalize these differences by reading books, playing with dolls, or putting on plays. When you know that a new child in your home will be changing birth order, try reading books together about sibling relationships, big sisters, big brothers, and so on. The goal is to make learning about different families and new family members fun.
Tip #2 – Talk About Families That Don’t Match
When the new child is of a different race, culture, or tribal group, be particularly aware that your family might attract more attention when you are in public. It will help to prepare your children for these experiences. Using age-appropriate books, movies, and TV shows to start conversations will help them understand that families do not need to match to be families. Talk about it matter-of-factly and frequently to help normalize this concept, too.
Your resident children might get questions from other kids and adults about the new addition to your family. Please support them in confidently responding by creating various prepared scripts that you rehearse. Weave your family values into the responses. Kids can personalize pre-rehearsed lines, so offer multiple options to help them land on one that works.
*One word of caution when creating scripts: be mindful of the new child’s right to privacy. Their story is theirs, and they get to choose what others know about them.
Tip #3 – Understand that the Adjustment Might Feel Rocky
Welcoming a child who has experienced loss, chaos, or neglect means that this child brings some baggage with them. Help resident children understand that this new family member might have challenging behaviors or problematic attitudes from their previous experiences.
Try to help your kids identify or empathize with the new child’s fears or struggles to adjust by reminding them of times they had to work through a challenging situation. Remember to include times when they felt fear or uncertainty and what helped them cope.
Explain that this new child will be even more scared than that experience. They may act on that fear by rejecting you or your resident children. They might go to the other extreme and become a clingy shadow. Unfortunately, the new family member may also act mean or even angry.
Please also talk honestly about the fact that sometimes this child had to compete for attention or to feel safe in their previous homes. Help the resident kids understand that though these behaviors were valuable and necessary for the child in previous settings, they are inappropriate in your home. Assure your resident children that you won’t allow harm to happen while helping the new child adjust and cope with their big feelings. Continue to reassure your resident children frequently that you are ready for these behaviors even after the new child has arrived.
Tip #4 – Plan to Stick Close to Home
Talk to your resident kids about how overwhelming it is to be new to a family. Please explain why you may stick close to home after they arrive. Share the example of a new baby coming home from the hospital and staying home so everyone could recover. When you compare welcoming this new child with a scenario your resident children have already experienced, you normalize the plan and help avoid resentment.
Plan together for the “stick close to home” time:
- Make a “Fun at Home” wish list together.
- Replenish your art supplies and schedule craft nights.
- Cook freezer meals together.
- Schedule regular movie nights.
- Fill the pantry with your favorite snacks.
Tip #5 – Pay Attention to Birth Order
If your resident children’s birth order changes with this new addition, pay particular attention to the child whose position in the family changes. For example, if your grandchild is older than your existing eldest son, pay special attention to how your (former) eldest son adapts. Look for ways to reinforce his role in your family.
Give that same attention and care to any child displaced from their position as the “only” in your family (boy, girl, or youngest). Preparation, planning, and individual attention will help smooth the adjustments. Expect a greater need for compassion for your resident child’s process. However, remember that you cannot entirely prevent the struggles the resident children may experience. Be patient, empathetic, and safe for them to find their footing.
Tip #6 – Prepare for Regression
Behavior regressions are standard when a child experiences significant change. Remind your resident kids that the new child is feeling overwhelmed or scared. And that big feelings can lead to younger-than-typical behaviors to get attention.
Prepare for regression in both the resident children and the new child. Talk about how these changes feel. Keep an open heart and door for them to discuss their experiences. Empathize that it feels as if everyone is moving backward for a season. Keep up the encouragement and assurance that none of this is unexpected, and you know that your family will figure it out together. Your confidence will help them cope.
Keep your household routines as consistent as possible during these transitions. Schedule one-on-one time with your resident kids. We know that might feel unattainable, and it might be hard to find the time, but it is essential to help them all feel secure.
Tip #7 – Sibling Rivalry May Rear Its Head
It’s natural to see an increase in sibling rivalry – and to see it extend to the “new kid,” too. Talk about it together and devise a plan for negotiating everyone’s needs. Discuss some ground rules and how you will enforce the rules.
For example, “In our home, we do not call names.” And “If someone calls another an ugly name, they will make that child’s bed for three days.” Basic ground rules will give boundaries to kids who feel uncertain of their role in the family and how to navigate relationships.
The “Sibling” Relationship Can Help Your Grandchild Heal
It takes some preparation, consistency, and intentionality. And the transition might feel stressful and overwhelming. But helping your resident children and your grandchild (or nephew or niece) for somewhat of a sibling relationship can also bring joy and fun to your lives. Many of us know from experience that sometimes our siblings can be our biggest pains in the neck. Still, they often grow to become our most loyal friends and supporters for life.