In an ideal world, helping raise your grandchild (or cousin or family friend) goes smoothly. You provide a safe, happy landing place for the child while the parents work hard to get back on their feet. All the involved adults share the same goal of returning the child home as quickly as possible. You are committed to easing the changes for this child. Everyone enjoys the sense of unity and feels valued while working toward healing this family and rebuilding relationships for this child.
Sometimes, that is precisely how it works.
But sometimes it’s not.
Finding Middle Ground in Shared Parenting
Sometimes, there are safety concerns around the child returning home. Sometimes the child welfare agency requires you to limit contact. Sometimes the child’s parents are too angry about their child not living with them. Their anger is an obstacle in working together toward returning the child home. Sadly, sometimes it’s not in the child’s best interest to have regular contact or relationship with their parents.
What do you do when this child’s life circumstances are difficult to navigate? When the child’s parents face challenges, like addiction, how do you maintain contact and safely share parenting experiences with them?
Every situation is different, and you will have to work through the questions of what is best for this child. You will also need to follow any contact or visitation requirements set by the child welfare agency, if they are involved. But it is possible to work toward a middle ground where the child’s parents can be involved while you also protect the child’s best interest.
10 Tips for Shared Parenting Through Difficult Situations
- Keep journals on the children’s activities and share them with the parents.
- Take pictures of the child’s activities to share with their parents. Make sure that most of these pictures are of the child without you.
- If you don’t already have one, ask for a picture of their parents to put in the child’s room. Be sure to ask if this is okay with the child.
- Save special notes, schoolwork, and art projects, to show or give to their parents.
- When the child is doing an art project at school, ask the teacher if they can make two — one to hang on the fridge at home and the other to give to their parent(s). This request is especially crucial if the child lives with you over Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
- Be as flexible as possible about visitations. If it’s possible and not too inconvenient, offer to provide transportation. Or, ask the child’s caseworker to provide transportation, if they are involved.
- If it doesn’t present a safety issue, invite the child’s parents to events at school like Back-to-School night and parent-teacher conferences. Encourage the teacher and school personnel to include them in the discussions. Let the parents answer first when you can.
- Assist and encourage the child and their parents to create memory books to help them process this transitional time. You can find information about resources that help kids work through their questions and feelings here.
- Include the child’s parents in activities such as concerts, talent shows, athletic events, and medical or dental appointments. These can be opportunities for them to practice ordinary parenting skills while you support them.
- If visitations are not in the child’s best interest or not possible because of location, initiate texts, phone calls, or video calls between the parent and child.
You Can Lead the Way to Healthier Relationships
Relationships, by their very nature, are unique and evolving. There is no script to follow when helping a parent rebuild a relationship with their child. Nor is there a map to follow to help you navigate your relationship with the child’s parents. However, research has shown that, when possible, parents should raise their children. When children cannot live with their parents, the best way to accomplish this is for all parties to try to work together. You will often have to step up and make the first move to support the parents as they rebuild those relationships.