When you agree to open your home to a relative child, you are agreeing to so much more than providing a clean, safe bed and regular meals. You are agreeing to offer them an emotionally and physically safe place to heal from the challenges they encountered before joining your family. Their hearts and minds need nurture that they may have missed in their earlier years. Their bodies need time, attention, and practical resources to catch up too.
These tips for welcoming a new child to your home will help you focus your intentions and efforts so that you can build a solid foundation for security that will help them flourish.
1. Give this child the gift of YOU.
Spend focused time with this child. Don’t rush them into the routine of school or daycare if you can help it.
When you are together, create lots of opportunities for face-to-face time. Play card games, sing and dance in the kitchen, tell stories, read books. Do things they love. Introduce them to things the rest of your family enjoys. If face-to-face is too intimate for them at the start, ease them into it by starting with side-by-side, fun and focused time.
2. Provide food and hydration every 2 hours.
For at least the first 6 months, focus on fueling this child well. Did you know research shows that kids who have experienced trauma are often chronically dehydrated? And feeling afraid that food won’t be provided or that they are not safe to eat what they need can create some big, challenging behaviors.
Start by offering them food you know they will eat. As they feel more confident and trusting, you can try to slowly introduce new foods.
3. Provide a physical or sensory activity every 2 hours.
Kids who have experienced a lot of change, chaos, or loss usually have big feelings that they don’t know how to manage. Big feelings with nowhere to go can turn into big, challenging behaviors.
Get out ahead of difficult behaviors by creating time to get their bodies moving and their minds settled. These ideas for physical activity and sensory experiences can help you figure out what works for this child:
- jumping jacks
- biking
- trampolines
- kitchen dance parties
- fidget toys
- backyard soccer
- sensory buckets
- finger painting
4. Assume they are emotionally younger than their age.
One of the common impacts of early childhood loss and neglect is delayed emotional development. So, your grandchild might be 8 but he handles his anger or fear more like a three-year-old.
It is safe to assume that this child will be about forty percent behind their age in years. Approaching your relative child with this in mind can help you more easily expect them to behave according to their emotional age. Then you can meet them where they are and accept them.
5. Focus on saying yes more often than saying no.
Many kids impacted by trauma will interpret “no” as a rejection of their whole person, not just the request they are making. To build up their trust and ability to handle an eventual necessary “no,” you will have to offer many more responses of “yes” than “no.” In fact, a good rule of thumb is to say 7 “yeses” to every “no.”
You might need to get creative with turning a “no” into something that feels like and sounds like “yes.” Be patient with this child and yourself while you practice. Re-directs or “let me think about that for a minute” are excellent “stalling tactics” you can try while you get the hang of saying “yes” more often!
6. Read up on sensory processing issues.
It’s common for a child who has experienced loss, chaos, and neglect to struggle with sensory processing. Their brains take in a lot of information through their eyes, hands, ears, and skin. They must learn how to manage what they take in and how it impacts their internal state of being. Earlier traumatic experiences impact how they do that.
Here are a few resources to help educate yourself:
- The Connected Child* by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross
- The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorders* by Carol Kranowitz, M.D.
- Riley the Brave’s Sensational Senses: Help for Sensory and Emotional Challenges* by Jessica Sinarski
- Parenting Traumatized Children with Developmental Differences* by Dr. Sara McLean
You might also investigate resources like baby massage or sensory brushing, depending upon this child’s needs, preferences, and tolerance. YouTube also offers many instructional videos. However, please start by consulting with a Physical Therapist or Occupational Therapist. Check with your pediatrician for a recommendation of a reliable one.
Give Everyone Space and Grace
Transitioning into your home may be smooth and seamless. However, many kids struggle with this type of significant change. Whether they express it through difficult behavior, big emotions, or they withdraw and self-isolate, they need to feel your presence and safety so they can process what they are experiencing. These tips can help you focus on the basics that they need to flourish in your care.