What do you do when your grandchild pitches a fit in Aisle 2 of the local grocery store? Or when your teenage niece screams at her sibling, slams doors, or kicks walls? It’s a stressful moment for everyone, and your nerves are frayed while you figure out what to do.
How to Handle Big Emotions in the Moment
Whether your relative child is raging at 2 years old or 12 years old, you need simple interventions that will work to stop the chaos and restore everyone to peaceful levels.
These 4 steps will help you and this child calm down in these raw and heated moments.
1. Prioritize safety
Whenever a meltdown or rage occurs, someone is likely to get hurt. So, first things first: do what you must to be sure everyone – including you! – is physically safe. Sometimes, you might need to get younger siblings or other family members out of the room. Other times, you might need to move the raging child to a safe space.
You may also need to check around the room and clear it of objects that could become weapons. Don’t make a big deal of this step; just be calm, quick, and matter-of-fact about keeping everyone safe.
2. Narrate your actions
Tell them what you are doing while you are physically moving everyone to safety. Again, keep calm but say, “I can tell you are feeling very out of control right now. I want to keep you and your brother safe. So, I’m going to send him up to his room.” Or, “I’m clearing off the table so we can talk safely.”
3. Reassure the other children
When this child or teen is melting down, other kids in the house may feel scared or uncertain about how you will handle what’s going on. Use simple, clear statements to tell the other kids that you have this under control and that they are and will be safe. Be sure to also let them know you have a plan to keep the dysregulated child safe. Also, reassure them that you will come back to them to talk about things and be with them again as soon as things have calmed down to normal.
4. Be present with the dysregulated child
When kids are struggling with rage, melting down, and feeling out of control of their emotions and thoughts, they often also feel lonely and scared. Let this child know that you are with them even in this dysregulation. Help them know that they are seen, heard, and accepted by saying something like, “I am sorry that you feel so angry and don’t know what to do about it. I’m here. I’d like to sit with you. We can just sit and breathe together until we calm down.”
Remember that when their brains are this “hot” they can’t handle too much more input. Asking them many questions or using many words is not a great idea right now.
Moving Past the Heated Moment
Hopefully, you’ve previously succeeded in helping this child (or others) get back to a regulated state of mind. When you sense that this child is calming down, try a familiar calming strategy you’ve used other times together. It’s best to start with a familiar strategy you’ve had previous success with, like breathing, jumping jacks, or lying flat on the grass to look up at the sky while you breathe together.
Effective Calming Strategies
If you don’t have a go-to calming strategy, consider learning one of these tools together. Introducing and practicing them is best when everyone is calm and tuned in to learning together. Then, when the dysregulation hits, you have something familiar to suggest.
The 5-4-3-2-1 Method:
- 5 things you can see
- 4 things you can feel
- 3 things you can hear
- 2 things you can smell
- 1 thing you can taste
P.A.C.E.
This tool was developed by Dr. Daniel Hughes to reinforce the already growing trust between you and the child or teen you are raising. This article provides more detailed explanations of this method.
P stands for Playful — When you see trouble brewing, you can step in with a silly question or light re-direct to ward off or shorten the meltdown you see coming. For example, when this child is ramping up anger about brushing their teeth, you can ask if that toothpaste foam is lava. “Is their mouth a volcano?!” Or you can start singing a random made-up silly song about teeth.
A is Acceptance — Labeling and accepting what the young person feels helps them feel seen. It also tells them that all our emotions, even the hard ones, are normal. Acceptance can be as simple as saying, “I know, buddy. You feel angry. I get it.”
C stands for Curious — Using “wonder” language gives a confused, upset child permission to be curious about what’s happening inside. All kids occasionally need help to label their feelings. However, if they don’t feel safe exploring, they may not learn how to identify those emotions.
Saying, “I wonder what’s going on inside you right now?” or, “Hmm, what do you think that was all about?” without judgment can open doors to that self-exploration.
This tool works well when sitting side-by-side with a child rather than facing each other.
E means to offer Empathy — Offer this child empathy for what they are feeling and how scary it is to be out of control. Say something like, “I know it’s frightening to feel such big anger inside. I’m with you and will work it out with you.”
Keep Your Language Flexible
No matter which intervention you choose, always work to adjust your language to this child’s age and understanding. And remember, when their brains are hot, they need simpler and fewer words until they’ve calmed down.
Don’t Forget Self-Care
Working through any of these strategies to help a child come down from their big emotions is hard work. It requires a lot of emotional energy and self-control from you. Feeling their emotions with them offers them a safe space that validates their feelings. But it also takes a toll on you – on top of all the other demands you juggle daily.
Once this child is regulated and you’ve checked in on the other kids, take time to check on yourself. If you were overwhelmed and scared but successfully led this child back to calm, give yourself a pat on the back! If you lost your cool and had to repair things with one of the kids before you got back on track, offer yourself forgiveness.
No matter how you navigated this meltdown, be kind and gentle with yourself and take a well-deserved break for some self-care. Whether it’s a bubble bath after they all go to bed, prayer or meditation in your room or a fancy piece of chocolate and soothing music — do what you need to recharge yourself.