Typically, when you welcome a child to your home to support their family through a challenging season, you already have a relationship with the child. You may not know them well, but you are not wholly unfamiliar with each other. However, occasionally, raising another family member’s child may mean meeting a child with whom you have no previous relationship.
It’s normal to have mixed feelings rolling around in your gut. This child you are meeting likely has all these same emotions – but bigger and more confusing! In the first moments of meeting this child, you can help calm their fears by preparing yourself. The added benefit is that preparing yourself to meet their needs helps you get a handle on your own worries.
7 Tips to Calm a Child’s Fears
The first moments of meeting a relative child who is moving into your home can be overwhelming and scary for you and for this child. Here are a few practical tips from a well-known and respected researcher in the field of childhood trauma, the late Dr. Karyn Purvis. These suggestions can help you put this child at ease and calm those fears as you welcome them into your home.
1. Get down on the child’s level.
Physically lower yourself to the height of the child when you are talking to them.
2. Speak their language.
It might be rare, but occasionally, you may be welcoming a child that speaks a different language than you do. Hopefully you will know about it before this meeting! Prepare by learning a few phrases in their language that you can say simple things that communicate safety and welcome. Some examples might be, “Hello” or “I’m so glad to meet you,” “Do you need to use the bathroom?” and “Are you hungry?”
In case you don’t have time to prepare by learning a few key phrases, you can also download a translating app to your phone or tablet. You can increase the welcome factor by being a little silly via the app, which is also a great tool for easing their fears.
3. Maximize the power of the sense of smell.
There’s nothing quite as soothing and welcoming as the smell of home-made soup, bread or cookies, is there? When a frightened child comes to your home for the first time, scents like that can calm their other senses and settle them and make them feel safe. Dr. Purvis recommended keeping a stash of frozen cookie dough so you can bake a small batch as the child is arriving.
4. Give a tour.
It’s crucial that you show this child around your house as soon as possible. However, keep it simple, with minimal words and certainly not a ton of questions. Let them take it in slowly and gently.
5. Offer choices.
So much of what this child has already experienced has been out of their control. You can help them gain a sense of control again by offering them a voice as soon as you meet. Giving simple choices, like “Do you want milk or water with your cookies?” or “Would you like to hold my hand while we see the upstairs of the house?” can help this child feel a sense of control and ownership over their own experience. If this young person is too old for those types of choices, allow to let them pick from two dinner options or sides with the entrée, etc.
6. Give them tools.
When you and this child speak different languages, use that translator app as often as necessary. If the child has a case worker, ask if there are translators available. You can also order books and flashcards to help this child express what they need or want.
Sometimes, a child’s fear is so gripping that they cannot or will not speak in the early hours of your meeting. Proceed calmly and gently, and offer picture books, flashcards, or the option to point to what they want or need. You can worry about easing them out of those later. Right now, focus on setting them at ease and making them feel as safe as possible.
7. Food is love. And comfort.
As soon as you can, offer them something to eat and drink. Food almost universally communicates care and nurture. It goes a long way toward calming a terrified child, especially if it’s a familiar treat. It’s also crucial to offer something to drink – research has shown over the years that children from hard places are often dehydrated.*
Fear Is a Learned Response
It’s crucial that you remember this child’s fear is a response to the upheaval, chaos, and loss they’ve endured. Their brains used fear to help them survive and the traumas they experienced wired them for wariness and guarding of self. Their brains are on fire with fear and your job is to calm this those fears as much as you can, as early as you can when you meet.