When a child has experienced abuse, neglect, or loss, they often take those events into their hearts and minds and then believe things about themselves that are untrue. They frequently feel guilt or shame as if the abuse or chaotic conditions of their life are their fault. Children raised by parents facing a substance abuse disorder may think that these conditions are somehow what they deserve.
At their age, they don’t understand that they are not to blame for adult problems or adult choices. Choosing to raise this child means giving them a safe space to re-learn truths about themselves so they can move on toward healing. Here are practical truths every child needs to hear and learn about themselves to set them up for the healing and thriving they deserve.
10 Truths Every Child Needs to Hear from Their Safe Adults
These affirmation and value statements are adapted from The Seven Core Issues Workbook for Parents of Traumatized Children and Teens* by Allison Davis Maxon and Sharon Roszia. The books in this series are quite valuable for helping parents and relative caregivers address the central issues a child faces when they have experienced abuse, neglect, chaos, and loss.
1. “Nothing can stop my love for you!”
Helping them see that your love is always the foundation they can count on is crucial to growing their self-worth.
2. “Even if I feel angry with you, my love for you is unchanged.”
Even when you may feel anger toward this child, they must always know that your love for them will not stop. Model healthy emotional skills by taking a break when angry, pausing to regulate yourself, and returning to the child for repair.
3. “Your voice and feelings matter; I see and hear you!”
When children have experienced significant loss, chaos, or neglect, it’s common for them to feel unseen or unheard. Help them learn that their voice counts in your home. Feeling seen is a central human need, and you can help them heal as they find their voice.
4. “You may love lots of big, deep feelings about your story. All these big feelings are normal, and I hope you feel safe sharing them with me.”
This child’s challenging experiences may create equally challenging emotions and behaviors. Helping them feel safe to experience and identify those emotions will help them learn new ways to express themselves. Creating a secure relationship between you will help the child feel free to ask questions and re-learn these truths about themselves.
5. “You are unique, strong, and worthy of love!”
Nothing that this child experienced at the hands of the adults around them changes their value as a wonderful, precious human who deserves to be loved and cherished. This safe relationship gives them the message that they are valued.
6. “The only person you need to be is you! My job is to help you explore who you are and learn how to be yourself.”
Again, the safe space you are creating for this child will give them the freedom to figure out their identity, where they fit in the world, and who they want to become.
7. “You probably have a lot of questions about our family and your parents. All those questions are okay, and I am always here to listen.”
Even when you don’t have answers for this child, normalizing those big questions helps them feel safe asking and grappling with the answers. Questions like, “What happened to me (or my mom or my dad)?” and “Why did it happen?” should be okay to ask and explore together.
8. “It’s okay to feel mad, sad, scared, overwhelmed) by all that has happened to you. I’m here to help you with all those feelings.”
Your grandchild (or nephew or cousin) may need your help identifying the emotions going on inside of them. Start simply by helping them label what they feel. You can model this by sharing examples in your daily life, such as “I feel very sad. Jane canceled lunch today, and I was looking forward to seeing her again.”
Several resources are available on the Internet to help kids identify what they are feeling and learn how to talk about it. Feeling flashcards are an excellent tool for the younger children in your home. If you are raising an older child or tween/teen, try this game.
9. “You do not have to choose between loving me and loving your parent(s).”
This child deserves to feel love for their parents, no matter how you might think of them. If your relationship with them is rocky or painful, try to deal with your feelings for them separately from your growing relationship with this child. You want to do all you can to avoid putting the child in the middle of adult relationships. Instead, the child needs to know that their heart is big enough to love all of you and that you honor that.
10. “Not living with your parents might make you feel different from your peers. But it doesn’t change who you are inside. And I’m so grateful to be raising you!”
Kids are very sensitive to how they appear to their friends. Anything different from what their peers say or live can make our kids feel like everyone sees how different they are. Try to normalize for this child that families look different all around the community. Be sure they know that while they are living in your home, you feel so thankful to have them there.
Be Creative!
It might take some practice to overcome some of your own discomfort when you say these truths to your grandchild (or niece or cousin). But when you creatively incorporate these statements into your daily interactions with this child, you can build trust, safety, and value into their hearts and minds and between you. You will be crafting a safe foundation that launches them into adulthood from a position of strength.