Anger is a normal human emotion, but it can be scary for many of us to express or manage. When a child grows up with unsafe expressions of anger, or when they are no taught appropriate ways to work through their angry feelings, they may bubble over and act out anger in ways that feel challenging and overwhelming to you. You may not have been given safe, appropriate coping tools for your anger, so this child’s or teen’s rage triggers you and shuts you down.
Maintaining Connection Even When A Child Struggles with Big, Angry Feelings
When a child can no longer live safely with Mom or Dad, they usually have a lot of big, scary feelings inside and no tools for how to safely express what they are feeling. It’s a common reaction to want to shut them down, especially if you were raised in a home that didn’t talk through big feelings like this child is feeling. Most of us want to run the other way when a child has prolonged, frequent, or intense expressions of anger.
However, you can help your walk with your grandchild or nephew through these feelings, especially when they are angry. You can help them learn new skills to express anger, frustration, or even rage.
These suggestions can help you make this child feel safe, heard, and understood. When you work on these tips together, you will tell this child that you are with them in these big feelings and won’t leave them to handle it alone. That sense of connection can open their heart and mind to continue learning new skills and healing from the hurt that they feel.
Tip #1 – Practice compassion.
For yourself.
It’s healthy to acknowledge that this feels hard because it is hard. While you know you are a safe person this child can trust, they are still learning that in their hearts and minds.
For this child.
Recognize that this child has a lot to be angry about, too. It will help you feel compassion for their complicated emotions. And it will help them feel seen and heard for the challenges they have experienced.
Children who experience loss, neglect, abuse, prenatal substance exposure, and other traumas often have a lot of pain, and this anger stored somewhere inside them. When they don’t know how to express it, it leaks out in ugly ways. Validate their anger as appropriate, without approving of the troubling behaviors. You can even feel free to let them know that you have some anger about it, too.
Tip #2 – Practice P.A.C.E.
P.A.C.E. is a de-escalation tool developed by Dr. Daniel Hughes to help kids form positive, safe connections with their primary caregivers. The goal is to build a secure attachment that provides safety for a child to explore, process, and resolve their past trauma.
Helping a child who struggles with angry outbursts or raging behaviors will be more effective when this child can trust you and sense your calm, regulated internal state. They can then be free to learn because their brain feels that safety. Remember, a safe brain is a learning brain.
The acronym P.A.C.E. is broken down this way:
Playful
Most kids respond well to light-hearted playful responses, especially if you can learn how to do it in ways that break tension and make them giggle. However, it might take some practice to learn this child’s temperament. Once you know this child, you can be more successful at playfulness in the face of this child’s anger. It also requires that you maintain a firm grip on your self-regulation (internal state of calm).
Many times, you can head off a rage or rising tides of anger with some light-hearted playful redirections. You may be able to introduce a silly song, a spontaneous dance party, or change the subject altogether.
For example, “Whoa buddy! Should we sing the toothbrush song to help us finish this job?” or “OOOOH! I see some big feelings coming. Let’s dance them out!”
Acceptance
Offering this child labels for the emotions they are experiencing helps them learn how to handle these big emotions. There’s tremendous power in naming what’s going on inside our brains or bodies.
If this child has not yet learned how to identify their feelings, start by narrating your own across the day:
- “Grandma was so mad when the chickens got loose this morning.”
- “Uncle felt joyful when I opened the mail and saw a card from Grandma.”
- “I was sad when our cat ran away. I’m so happy she came home.”
Then, when you are in a moment of big emotions or rising tempers, say out loud what is going on. Your statement of what is happening and accepting what it is will help this child normalize the wide scope of all human emotions, even these hard ones like anger, frustration or rage.
When feelings are getting big or overwhelming, it’s wise to use just a few words in a calm, gentle tone. For example, acceptance can be as simple as, “I know. You feel angry. I get it.”
Curious
By accepting this child’s feelings and venturing into curiosity, you can increase their confidence and trust in your ability to guide them through the anger. Your curious presence can be a powerful tool. Remember, anger can be a scary feeling for them based on their history of chaos, loss or abuse. So when this child feels safe to ask where those feelings come from, you are empowering them to become more self-aware.
Giving this child the space to explore what’s happening inside them equips them to choose how to express those emotions. You could say, “I wonder what’s going on inside you right now?” or, “What do you think that was all about?” And when you can offer your curiosity without judgment, it can open doors to explore what is going on with them.
Empathy
Finally, feeling this child’s emotions with them offers them a safe space that validates their feelings. Your empathy and gentleness with this child’s feelings builds trust and knowing they are not alone in this challenge gives them courage to keep trying to heal and grow.
However, remember that feeling all of this child’s feelings with them can be too much. Raising kids impacted by trauma means you are juggling a lot. You might be raising multiple kids, navigating your own emotional challenges, and trying to manage therapy, work, school, and cleaning the bathrooms. We remind you a lot but be kind and gentle with yourself when you are overwhelmed in these moments! Circle back to practicing self-compassion as needed.
Know When to Get Help
Normalizing this child’s anger and teaching them how to manage it in healthy, productive ways may take many repetitions and concentrated efforts to re-wire their previous responses. Kids often feel tremendous shame and guilt about their anger. When you help them understand the wide range of human emotions and how to express them safely, including anger, you offer them security and life skills that reduce shame and increase self-confidence and felt-safety.
However, some kids get really stuck in negative expressions of anger. Or their anger puts others in your home at risk. When you sense that this child is a danger to themselves of the other family members, please seek help immediately. Reach out to a local mental health provider, a pediatrician, or the school counselors for resources. Keep practicing your healthy tools but don’t put yourself or your family at risk.