As you learn more about how loss and grief impact your grandchildren (or nieces and nephews), hopefully, you are also learning the importance of taking care of yourself. When stepping in to care for vulnerable kids or family members in crisis, you may also be feeling grief over the circumstances in your family. Between the exposure to their trauma and your own stress, you need to support yourself with nourishing, refueling care that helps you keep caring for the family you love.
Be Aware of the Signs
Many signs and symptoms show up when our hearts and minds are overwhelmed by the needs of those we are caring for. If you think your stress is taking a toll on your mind or body, it’s time to face it and plan for some relief.
Here are a few of the signs that you are due for self-care. This is a partial list, but it will get you thinking about your current state.
- Headaches, neck and shoulder stiffness, or pain
- Changes in appetite (too much, too little, loss of interest)
- Changes in sleep (too much, too little, irregular, or interrupted)
- Increased feelings of stress, anxiety, anger
- Loss of interest in usual activities
- Feeling invincible or invulnerable (like nothing gets you down or deters you)
You deserve to be healthy, so you can be present and safe for the kids you love. Ignoring these signs can lead to burnout or a breakdown in the care and support your grandchildren need. One way to stay healthy is to create a plan for healthy self-care.
Make the Plan that Works for You
Your self-care plan must serve your needs and temperament well. While it’s great to get ideas for healthy self-care from various sources, it’s equally important to create one you can sustain and access even when life throws obstacles your way.
Your self-care plan should, however, also include several practical and nourishing elements of your whole person. These questions can help you create a plan that meets your needs emotionally, physically, and mentally.*
- How can I use my five senses?
- Does my mind get stretched or challenged?
- How does this nourish my body?
- Will I get physical activity?
- How can this refresh my spirit?
- Does this activity build or restore a sense of purpose and hope?
- Will I find space or time to be alone, quiet with my thoughts?
- How does this plan help me focus on my relationships and time with others?
Create a Plan You Can Maintain
If your plan is too expensive or complicated to execute, you won’t be able to maintain it easily. Many resources today will tell you that self-care is a full day at a spa or an expensive retreat away from home. Sometimes, those activities will be the self-care you need. However, regular daily self-care is a critical tool for staying healthy.
Instead, consider creating a plan that includes things you can do daily, weekly, monthly, and a couple times a year. Think of daily care as the foundation of your self-care structure. Building on that plan will help you make a firm foundation to which you can always return for easy maintenance and access.
Daily Self-Care
- Meditation, stretching, yoga, or other mindfulness activities
- Crossword puzzles, Sudoku, brain teasers
- Reading for pleasure
- Listening to music
- Practicing an instrument
- Deep breathing
- Walking, running, or other physical exercise
Weekly Self-Care (that you add to your daily routine)
- Date night with your partner
- Coffee with friends
- Hiking or biking with friends
- Reading, card games, board game clubs
- Saturday bubble baths
- Dance class at your community center
Monthly Self-Care
- Manicures, pedicures, massages
- Seasonal activities like hunting, gardening, fishing, etc.
- Lectures, local conferences, or trips with the local university or community center
- “Do Nothing” days – a family day to just “be” – without any obligations on the calendar, etc.
Once or Twice a Year Self-Care
Consider what events will support you, give you hope, or offer inspiration. These activities can be more costly or time-consuming. Still, you can make them work by thinking ahead and planning carefully.
- Marriage retreats, faith-related conferences
- Conferences around your hobby or interests
- Parent training seminars
- Weekend getaways with your partner or friends
Don’t forget to include fun – you are much more likely to keep at it if you are having fun while taking care of yourself!
Invite Help and Accountability!
When raising your grandchild or another loved one, there are other adults in the family you can likely count on for help. Invite your family members to help with things like childcare, household help, or transportation so that you can carry out your self-care plans. Reach out to friends and ask them to join you in some of the activities and ask them to hold you to the plan.
Then copy the plan to share with your partner, family, or friends. The accountability of seeing it in black and white is good for you. It also helps these people understand how seriously you want to take your self-care.
Post the Plan.
Some folks write their plan and post it on the fridge or the bathroom mirror. Others attach it to their calendar app. Whatever you choose, post it somewhere you will see it daily, and remember to prioritize your self-care and healthy strategies.
Make an Appointment with Yourself.
Once you’ve identified the activities that will support and refuel you, schedule them into the family calendar. Put your weekly, monthly, and less-frequent self-care on the calendar, too, like you would schedule a doctor’s appointment. Daily self-care should become part of your routine if you diligently build the daily habit.
Self-Care is Your Oxygen Mask
You are probably familiar with the safety talk that airline staff gives on every flight. Stay seated when seatbelt lights are on. Use your seat as a cushion. And what is the line that is most familiar to us all?
“When the oxygen mask drops, put yours on before you take care of others around you.”
The saying is accurate and is not just for getting through turbulence or an in-air crisis. We cannot take care of others around us if we are gasping for breath – literally or figuratively. Self-care is your oxygen mask! When you care for yourself, you can be fueled and healthy to meet the needs of the precious ones in your home.
*Some of the ideas in this article came from How to make a self-care plan that you can stick to, by AdoptUSKids, December 11, 2019