Is your grandchild (or other relative) showing signs of exposure to drugs or alcohol during pregnancy? Are their homework and school projects disorganized and always late? Do they need directions repeated frequently and slowly? Are their emotions and physical activity just too much to handle most days. What do you do when you are trying to support this child through their struggles without losing your sanity?
It is important to remember that prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol results in many symptoms. There are many other resources on this site to help you understand the impacts and how to manage them with this child. But we also want you to remember that you aren’t alone in your struggles to support this child and set them up for success. Many other families have walked this road before you. These five tips are great advice from a panel of moms who have been through what you are facing.
5 Tips for Saving Your Sanity When Raising Kids with Prenatal Exposure
1. Don’t Blame.
Inconsistency is one of the most frustrating impacts on kids who experienced exposure to drugs or alcohol while their parent was pregnant. They appear to understand something one day but haven’t a clue about it tomorrow — or even later the same day. This inconsistency may make it easy for you to assume they are intentionally doing that thing you’ve asked them to stop doing. It might also make you believe they are not trying hard enough, like in school work or chores at home.
They are trying as hard as they can to succeed. They may be as frustrated as you are at their inability to retain the information. Being blamed for what they cannot control may lead to anger and acting out. A better approach is to think about you and this child as members of the same team, working together to overcome the impacts of their prenatal exposure.
And while we are talking about blame, it will serve you well to move past blaming this child’s parents for the impacts they are experiencing. No mother sets out when pregnant to hurt her child. She may have been uneducated, naïve, or struggling with addiction. Blaming the parents will not help this child. However, it can divert your energy and intentions from where they need to be – finding ways to help your grandchild.
2. Set up Routines and Structures.
Kids with prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol struggle when things feel irregular or unpredictable. Help them feel safe and in control by structuring their environment to be predictable and manageable.
Set up your days to follow a pattern:
- Wake up
- Brush teeth
- Make the bed
- Eat one of 3 acceptable things for breakfast
- Get on the bus
After school, create a similar pattern of predictability:
- Eat one of 3 acceptable snacks
- Play for 30 minutes
- Do homework starting with the most challenging assignment first
- Play or watch TV for 1 hour
- Eat dinner
- Take a shower or bath
- Read a book for 30 minutes
- Turn out the lights and go to bed
It might feel rigid and boring for you, but this child will gain a sense of control, confidence in your care for them, and freedom to be a kid. That’s priceless for you both.
In addition to a regular daily routine, keep a weekly and daily calendar and post it where the child can see it. Plan to offer many reminders 1 hour, 30 minutes, and 5 minutes before a new activity, especially if you have to leave the house for the next event. Try to keep things in your home in the same location whenever possible and teach the child to return items to their proper place.
3. Surround Yourself with People Who Understand.
Raising a child exposed to drugs or alcohol during pregnancy is challenging. It takes a lot of your time and energy, so finding people who can understand and support you while this child lives in your home is essential.
Children with prenatal exposure will often function below their chronological age on most things, but not all. For example, your 12-year-old grandchild may be reading at his grade level but unable to understand most of what he read. His math, time, and money skills are at a second-grade level. His emotional maturity is more like a 6-year-old, so he struggles to stay regulated and play with peers.
These “different ages in one kid” can create a situation where a casual observer might see a well-spoken, typical 12-year-old. They cannot see the tantrums, inability to organize his time, and susceptibility to peer pressure. They will likely need help understanding your parenting style and how you support your grandchild’s complex needs. Find people who understand what you and your grandchild are facing so you do not always have to defend your decisions. If you can find a support group for families raising kids with prenatal exposure, you will feel relief in their shared experiences.
4. Have Fun.
Raising your grandchild is complicated and sometimes unrewarding work. Raising a child exposed to drugs or alcohol during pregnancy is even more complex. If you aren’t careful, it’s easy for your grandchild and your life together to become one big “project” or another task to accomplish. Avoid this pitfall by trying the following suggestions:
- Plan something for the family each week that everyone enjoys. It can be anything from a game night to going to the movies. The key is that everyone has fun.
- Plan one thing each day that you enjoy. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It should be easy to do – if it is too involved or time-consuming it is less likely to happen. Think about the simple pleasures you enjoy and do them for yourself. Take a walk alone, enjoy an early morning cup of coffee during the morning news, or spend 20 minutes alone with your spouse each evening after dinner.
5. Remember: “It’s Brain Damage.”
Prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol damages a developing baby’s brain. If you can remind yourself of this fact, you can use it to manage your expectations of this child. The challenging behaviors were caused by brain damage due to prenatal alcohol exposure. Reminding yourself of this can help you not take their behavior personally – and even give you a boost of empathy for what this child faces daily.