Raising a loved one’s child can be a joyful, fulfilling experience. However, it can also be riddled with tension and anxiety – for you, the child, and the parents. This child may feel stuck in the middle of the adults in their life, and that’s stressful for any child. No matter why this child has come to live with you, they deserve the space to heal without feeling the weight of grown-up struggles.
What Does Your Grandchild Need?
When a child must live apart from their parents, they often feel emotionally unsafe and unsure how to handle their feelings. Their relationship with their parents feels shaky – everything they knew and were familiar with is now uncertain. The loss of their bed, time with friends, or daily play with the family pet only adds to the anxiety of whether their parents will be able to care for them again soon. Further, they are also unsure if it’s okay to love you and count on you to meet their needs. They fear betraying their parents – especially if leaving home and moving in with you was a chaotic experience.
You must now step in to help this child realize that they are surrounded by safe adults who will meet their needs and love them unconditionally. They need to know that you are going to help them cope with the big feelings going on inside of them. This child deserves to know they are not responsible for fixing the grown-up struggles that you or their parents face.
Here are a few more things that your grandchild needs from the adults who are involved in their lives during this transition.
- They need to know that their parents believe they can be trusted to provide well for and care for them.
- They need to know that the adults in their lives – parents, grandparents, family friends – are all on the same page about caring well for them.
- They need to know their parents agree to be on the same page as you – that you speak for their parents and have their permission to make decisions about their well-being.
- They need their parents’ “permission” to respect and accept that authority as caregivers.
- They need to know that it’s okay to come to you for emergencies, care, advice, help, or support.
- They also need to know that it’s okay to accept and return your affection.
Essentially, your grandchild needs to know beyond any doubt that they are not in the middle of the relationship between you and their parents. Kids pick up on tensions and unspoken feelings of their adults, and it will take some intentional effort on your part to keep them out of that middle dilemma.
How Do You Get Started?
Once you understand that the child’s best interests are served by keeping them out of the middle of adult relationships, you can lay a healthy foundation for safe relationships in a few ways.
1. Acknowledge the influence and power of the parents over their children.
Take some time to assess how you feel about this child’s birth parents. Recognize that your relationship with their parents is – and must remain – separate from the child’s relationship with their parents. Settle within yourself that the child’s parents have the role and responsibility for authority, influence, and power over the child’s life.
2. Verbalize to the child’s parents that you recognize their influence over this child.
There is power in the words you speak. So, try to lay a healthy, respectful foundation by telling the child’s parents that you see their influence in this child’s life. You can try a few statements like these:
- “I know you make a difference in your child’s life. I want to help you make this relationship heal and grow.”
- “I believe we can work together to make your influence be strong and healthy.”
It may not be a one-and-done conversation, but starting out, this effort to keep the child out of the middle of grown-up struggles will be supported by your words of affirmation for the parents’ role.
3. Ask the child’s parents to speak to their child.
Your efforts to keep your grandchild out of the middle of grown-up relationships can be further aided if the child’s parents are willing to verbalize their agreement with these changes. Consider holding a family meeting where you and the child’s parents share your intentions to navigate this together. Be specific about supporting each other’s role in the child’s life, sharing authority, and respecting each other.
Let the child know that you will work together to keep them physically and emotionally safe while Mom and Dad work on healing. Consider addressing the needs listed above in straightforward ways that the child can understand. And recognize that you all need to return to this conversation occasionally to keep things supportive and on the path toward healing this family. Meeting as a family can send the message that you and their parents are a united front. You are telling this child that “we are a team, and we want to work together to raise you well during this challenging time.”
What if a Family Meeting is Not Possible?
While a family meeting can be a fantastic tool for open communication, it’s not always possible to achieve it when your loved one is in the grip of a substance abuse disorder or a mental health crisis. Consider a family meeting then as a goal, but be willing to be flexible with how that plays out.
1. Be prepared to say what NOT to say.
When there is a history of tense feelings or hurt between you and this child’s parents, consider how to step back. You can agree to let the parents have these conversations first without you being present. However, if you have valid concerns about what the parents might say that could sabotage the child’s care, be willing to talk with the parents about what NOT to say. Remind them that the goal is to keep the child from the middle of grown-up relationships and conversations.
For example, if you suspect that the parents might not be on the same page as you, ask them NOT to tell the child to refuse to obey, ignore your authority, or disrespect your house rules.
2. Sometimes, the parents cannot have these conversations.
If you know that the child’s parents are unable or unwilling to have a family meeting to discuss how you will work together to care for their child, consider a private conversation with them without the child present. Work out with them what you will say to the kids about why they are living with you and how you plan to care for them. Ask the parents how they want you to talk to their child about the adults’ shared authority and how to keep the child out of the middle of your relationship. Assure them that you won’t disrespect or speak negatively of them to the child. Remind them that you are committed to building the child’s sense of safety by reassuring them of their love.
Stay Focused on the Goal
Remember, these conversations are not one-and-done when caring for a relative’s child. You can reset and re-adjust along the way as the relationships unfold. As the parents heal, your relationships will grow and evolve. When you prioritize how to keep this child out of the middle of these relationships, you protect the child and give them the best chance at welcoming Mom and Dad back to their role in the child’s life.