It’s hard to raise grandchildren (or nieces or nephews) without having complicated feelings about their parents. You may be angry or disappointed with the parents’ life choices. You may feel guilty because your child has not been a good parent. You may love them dearly but know that you can’t change them. With all these complicated emotions, it’s hard to work together to raise this child, but if you can, the child will benefit.
Benefits of Shared Parenting
1. The child will have greater feelings of stability. With more safe adults surrounding them, they are less likely to feel abandoned.
2. The child is less likely to feel divided loyalty between their grandparents and their birth parents. This sense of unity can make life a lot easier for everyone.
3. Shared parenting can double the number of resources the child has, including the number of people who love them!
4. The feelings of stress and anxiety over potential drama during family visits and other contacts will lessen if you are able to establish a good working relationship between the parents and the grandparents or other kinship caregiver.
5. Whether the child is reunited with their parents one day or stays with you permanently, the future will be smoother and less stressful for the child when the adults work together.
6. When the child’s parents are certain that you are not “out to get their child” they are likely to be more willing to work with you to help the child accept your authority. Better-behaved children make for easier parenting and healing for you all.
7. You can model for the child and his parents how to have a healthy adult relationship in difficult circumstances. Watching the communication and cooperation between you teaches children good social skills they can use for the rest of their lives.
6 Tips for Successful Shared Parenting
A healthy relationship between you and your grandchildren’s parents is good for both the children and the adults. So how do you get there? Here are some tips you may find helpful.
1. Make contact.
It can be hard to be the one to take the first step and reach out. If your feelings are too complex and intense to talk with the child’s parents, find another trusted adult to talk through these feelings. Then reach out with a phone call, text, or email to the child’s parents. Let them know you’re going to take good care of their child for as long as they are with you.
2. Don’t try to replace them.
Assure the child’s parent that you are not trying to replace them in their child’s life. Help them understand that you are caring for this child and you want to see them succeed. Tell them that your role is to be a support and you will won’t try to take the role of parent from them in the child’s eyes.
3. Talk positively in front of the child.
It’s important to not say negative things about the parents to the child. Use words that strengthen the connection between parent and child. Here are some ideas to try:
- “Your mom really loves you.”
- “I bet your dad will love this drawing.”
- “Your mom is going to be so proud of this ‘A’ on your spelling test.”
4. Don’t take their anger personally.
Expect the child’s parents to be angry – and don’t be surprised if that anger is initially directed at you. Remember that anger can look like hostility, rudeness, or distance and their anger is an expression of intense grief and fear. Try to put yourself in their shoes. They may be haunted by questions like “Is my child afraid?” “Did they cry for me at bedtime?” “Will I ever get my child back again?” When they are angry with you, reassure them that their child is safe while they get back on their feet.
5. Include them.
You may want to invite the birth parents to important events. This includes parent-teacher conferences, other school activities, and medical appointments. You can also invite them to church functions, community events, birthdays, and holidays. At these events, introduce them as the child’s parent. Ask doctors and school personnel to discuss the child’s needs with the parents rather than directing their communication only to you. The goal is to encourage these parents to step back into their parenting role.
Ask the child’s school or daycare to make two crafts, one for you and one for their parents. This is especially important on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and other significant holidays. Including the child’s parents in these important memories and milestones in the child’s life will mean a lot to them.
If your grandchild has siblings who are not living with you, think about how to also include them. You can support their connections by allowing phone calls and visits and planning fun activities together. Studies show that siblings who stay connected with each other experience a greater sense of safety. They may also have fewer emotional and behavioral problems.
6. Build them up.
If you are raising your grandchildren (or nieces or nephews), their parents are likely at the lowest moment of their life. Anything you can do to build them up and recognize their strengths will go a long way toward helping your relationship. It can also help them be better parents. If they are struggling with substance abuse, be supportive of their recovery.
At each visit or call, say something positive and affirming. Here are some examples:
- “Congratulations on getting your GED. Let’s celebrate at our next visit.”
- “You look nice in that yellow shirt.”
- “It’s great that you got your one-month AA chip!”
- “Junior loves the way you fix pot roast. Will you tell me how to make it?”
Shared Parenting Can Bring Healing
By modeling good parenting and healthy relationships, you have the opportunity to break any cycles of neglect or dysfunction within your family. When these relationships heal, your whole family can heal and work together to build a better future for those precious grandchildren you love.
To read more, check out this article on successful co-parenting: Setting Yourself Up for a Successful Co-Parent Relationship in Foster Care.