Raising a child with ADHD, autism, or other neurodiversity can be a new challenge for many grandparents, aunts, or uncles who don’t understand the child’s diagnosis. However, whether this child has a diagnosis, disability, or other brain-based difference, it’s critical to remember that this child is full of potential and can realize that potential with your support and intentionality. Research has uncovered several habits that can help you raise capable kids, whatever “capable” looks like for this child.
Six Habits for Raising Capable Kids
1. Believe that effort creates ability.
Regardless of how others view a child’s limitations, you must believe that the providers around this child will increase the child’s potential. You must also be convinced that your grandchild’s (or nephew’s or cousin’s) efforts will enhance their abilities.
Even if this child’s efforts (or their providers’ support) look different from other children you’ve helped raise, their effort can trump a diagnosis. That effort may include extra support and scaffolding but will impact ability. Continually praise your child – and their providers – for their effort, regardless of the outcome.
2. Set a vision of “capable” with this child and adjust it over time.
Develop a shared belief with this child about their future and the possibilities ahead for them. When creating this vision together, include their interests, motivations, passions, and hopes for them. Talk about what fires them up and what captures their mind. Have honest conversations about their current level of ability and what you can do together to realize this vision. Be open to adjusting this vision as they change and grow.
3. Give them messages of capability.
It’s crucial that you communicate hope and vision to this child with your words and actions. They need to know that you think they are capable. Their diagnosis provides information and will be useful for lining up the services, supports, and opportunities this child needs to grow. However, hold the diagnosis loosely if you think it limits how you view this child or their potential for growth and capability.
How you speak and act over the time you have this child in your care can create their life-long belief that they are capable. However, how you talk and act may also tell them that you believe they are disabled, limited, or incapable. Remember that what we don’t say can be equally powerful.
For example, constantly praising one sibling but not another for academic achievement can set siblings up to compare themselves and feel “less than.” Instead, consider focusing on generous praise for all the children in your care about their efforts, their character, and the values they are developing.
4. Challenge this child to get outside their comfort zone.
Understandably, depending on the child’s unique struggles, it may be tempting to avoid introducing them to new things. Protecting them from failure or the potential for failure is a natural parenting instinct. However, it’s essential to challenge this child to try things that may be slightly beyond their current skills or abilities so they can reach their potential.
Growth can only occur when this child experiences some level of change or discomfort. Offering opportunities for a controlled challenge allows them to grow. Consider being open with them about how this may also be outside your comfort zone and how you plan to cope.
For example, your grandchild wants to go to summer camp but is afraid to sleep away from home. Prepare them slowly by scheduling a visit with a safe family friend or relative until bedtime, then pick them up. Eventually, encourage the child to try spending the entire night away from home, with the safety net that you will come and get them at any time they feel they need you. Through the whole process, send the message that you believe they can do this, and don’t project your worries onto them. Don’t shame them for their fear or hesitations. If your grandchild feels overwhelmed and anxious, stop the process and pick it up again later. Create these controlled challenges long before the immediacy of summer camp hits the calendar. And remember, plenty of day camps out there are great fun for kids, too.
5. Allow your grandchild to make choices and experience the consequences.
It’s not uncommon for parents and grandparents to be less firm with kids who have ADHD, autism, or other brain-based differences. However, all children must learn to be accountable for their choices and actions. When you make all the choices for the children in your home, they may not learn that they have control over their choices or that they don’t have to experience the results of those choices.
Evaluate your grandchild’s (or niece or nephew’s) current abilities and begin offering simple choices in line with their understanding. Even if you think you know that the outcome will be difficult, allow them to experience the consequences. As they develop their ability to choose and learn to manage the outcomes, it may be hard for you to sit back and watch. Try not to intervene unless there is a legitimate safety risk. Instead, help them navigate the experience by talking with them and brainstorming other options they could consider in the future. Be compassionate about any negative consequences of their choices, but don’t try to manipulate a better outcome for them.
6. Celebrate your child’s persistence!
Many kids with labels or diagnoses receive far more negative feedback than positive feedback. In a child’s mind, every negative comment or interaction piles up as more losses. Encourage this child’s efforts instead of commenting on the right or wrong way to do something.
By repeating this praise and encouragement, you will build a story over time of their life of persistence. You aim to create a picture of their strength, resilience, and capability. Point out what they do well often to help them build a positive self-identity beyond the negative feedback they get.
Create a Culture of Potential
All humans have a basic need to be the best people they can be and reach their full potential. As this child’s primary caregiver, you can develop a culture in your home of intentional habits that will support their growth and change to realize that need—no matter what a label or diagnosis says about them.
“Parenting is tough every day, but it’s that much more tough
when your child has been told they’re just not good enough.”
(Dr. Deborah Winking)