Very few humans willingly embrace change. Even the most straightforward changes can create uncertainty, and learning to handle life’s ups and downs is part of normal growth and development. We handle these changes differently, influenced by our personality, life experiences, learned skills, and other factors. However, when you are raising a relative’s child who has experienced trauma, loss, or prenatal substance exposure, they may struggle to cope with change. No matter how “normal” or unusual the change may be, they may need support and skills to navigate life’s transitions.
Understanding How Change Impacts Kids
Children with a history of loss, neglect, or other unpredictable, traumatic events may feel the weight of change much differently than their peers. For example, your grandkids who live with the impacts of prenatal substance exposure or learning challenges like ADHD often struggle to understand complex family events like leaving their parents. They cannot connect what happened before they left to what happened after and how they landed in your home. The feelings stirred up by those changes in their world magnify that struggle.
When raising your grandchild or nephew, remember to view their behavior through the filter of an underlying need or undeveloped skill. Applying this filter will help you help them cope with change. No matter how major the change may be, you can then meet the need with consistency, predictability, and security. Your grandchild needs to know – and be reassured – that they are safe with you. This child needs to feel that you can handle anything this change brings and that they are safe to trust you.
Here are a few ways kids may show they are feeling some big things around the changes in their lives.
Increased nervous activity, or anxious, self-soothing habits.
These habits look different for each child, but when you observe this child, you can see what behaviors are rising. Examples may include nervous tics, anxious questioning, biting fingernails, tapping, etc.
Changes in sleep patterns.
Whether it’s sleeping more or less than their everyday sleep routines, please pay attention to sleep changes. Please keep track of them to help you gain a fuller picture of the impact your grandchild is feeling. Also, look for changes in nighttime fears, the types of dreams they report, and new unwillingness to go to bed.
Changes in eating habits.
Similarly, look for changes in this child’s appetites (eating more or less) or developing rituals or habits around food.
Changes in mood levels.
While you might think your grandchild is “moody” as their baseline, knowing their norm is crucial. Please make note of changes to their levels of sadness, anger, aggression, withdrawal, clinginess, fearfulness, etc. Every age expresses these emotions differently, so it may take time to observe and get to know these children if they are new to your home.
For some kids, these mood changes might also include complaints of physical symptoms (tummy aches, joint pain, headaches), especially if they are unskilled at or uncomfortable with talking about their feelings.
Regression of behavior or developmental skills.
Some kids will act younger than their age when anxiety or other complex feelings crop up. Again, you know your child’s age, abilities, and stage best. For example, suppose a 9-year-old starts sucking their thumb after several years of not sucking it. In that case, you have a clue that Mom going back to prison is scary and unsettling to them.
Changes in communication.
Many kids who struggle with change will also show changes in how they talk with you. One child might have many extra words, tons of questions, constant check-ins, or mindless chatter. Another child may shut down entirely and stop talking or refuse to talk about their feelings.
Helping Kids Navigate Life’s Changes
When life’s changes feel scary or overwhelming to kids, they may think everything about their world is upside down. If you see changes in habits or behaviors, these tips can help you create a plan to help them cope.
1. Validate their feelings.
Help your grandchild understand their feelings, label them, and use words to express them. Teach them – and model for them – that we humans often feel a lot of big feelings about changing schools, losing a pet, or leaving home. All those feelings – even mixed feelings – are acceptable and valid. Try to include talks about what grief and saying goodbye might feel like.
It will help if you narrate your own feelings about the life change that is occurring. For example, you can talk in the morning about what is coming up for you that day and how you feel about it. Then at dinner, discuss what you experienced, whether your worries came true, and how it felt to get through it at the end of the day.
2. Talk about what to expect.
Many kids struggle with change because they fear the unknown ahead. If you can prepare for a change in advance, use kids’ books and movies and talk through what is next. If a significant change happens with no warning (as it often does!), make plenty of space and time to discuss what you experienced and what comes next.
If you are raising a child who asks lots of questions (some might call them little information-gatherers), ask if they want to research the coming event. Allow them to share what they learn with the whole family. Other kids might benefit from role-playing or flashcards to guide them through the transition or manage the aftermath.
3. Brainstorm how to manage the experience.
Once the kids know what to expect, or what is happening in the moment, try to have a family meeting. Create a plan to cope – and everyone should have a voice. Try to include a mixture of the funny and ridiculous with the serious and intentional tools you discuss.
Again, you want the kids to know everyone goes through hard changes. Everyone feels uncertain, scared, etc., about change. Normalizing change and how it feels can build their resilience for any change your grandchildren face in the future.
4. Stick to a routine whenever possible.
Significant changes, like moving to a new town or leaving home while Mom is in treatment, can make life feel chaotic and turned around. That’s okay – tell yourselves that this is a season, that you can do hard things together. Model the benefits of routine for this child by finding pockets of consistency even in chaos.
For example, even if you moved and there are still boxes everywhere, you can have dinner on the kitchen floor consistently each night.
There are several key routines that you should commit to, including bedtime or sleep routines, mealtimes, and physical activity or exercise.
5. Give them a sense of ownership.
The loss of control a child might feel during life’s changes is scary and overwhelming. You can empower them and build confidence by offering them responsibility. Please give them a part of this change to own and manage.
For example, you can ask this child to be the primary caretaker for the family cat while you unload the moving truck. If you are preparing to welcome a cousin to live with you, ask your grandchild to help you set up their dresser and bed. Give your teen grandson the task of preparing dinner once a week if you must add hours to your work schedule.
Choose a part of this change that will connect with this child and empower them to own it, even if it’s just for a short season.
Take Care of Yourself When Change Happens.
When life changes happen to your family, please take care of yourself intentionally. Get adequate sleep, healthy meals, and plenty of movement. Find activities that bring you joy and fuel your spirit. You need (and deserve) to refuel and refresh to face these changes and support your family through the challenges of change.