Raising a family member’s child is a challenging responsibility. This child brings joy and laughter to your life. But they also struggle with the losses they’ve endured. Their behaviors may be challenging to manage. This child might have learning needs or emotional difficulties that wear you out. You may also be frustrated by the circumstances that brought this child to your home. Raising a child during this season of your life may not have been your plan, and you are struggling to adjust.
These challenges bring a new level of exhaustion and fatigue that feels overwhelming. On top of that, you feel like your compassion for this child is running dry.
What is Blocked Care?
Every parent or caregiver experiences moments of feeling overwhelmed by the demands of raising kids. Sometimes, the day gets out of your grasp, and it’s all you do to manage everything you need to do until you all fall into bed. Fortunately, although stressful and overwhelming, these days typically shake out in the normal rhythm of life. One tough day can be overcome, right? And when you do resolve the chaos, your brains and bodies can return to a regulated state that is your home’s “norm.”
However, when a parent or caregiver experiences extreme or ongoing levels of intense stress, their nervous system can get overwhelmed. They may subconsciously shut down or go numb as a self-protective mechanism.
Do you struggle to feel love, attachment, or emotional connection with your child, grandchild, or nephew? Do you feel like you are struggling to go through the motions of parenting? You may be experiencing “blocked care.” Blocked care is a difficult place to be, you might experience it without even knowing what is going on. It makes raising this child tricky, and if it’s not resolved, it can hurt you all.
Many factors can contribute to your experience of blocked care, including things like:
- A child’s challenging, extreme behaviors or trauma impacts
- Significant life changes or stressors such as divorce, sickness, family crises
- Unrealistic or unmet expectations in the relationship
- Unresolved grief or trauma
How Can I Avoid or Overcome Blocked Care?
There is good news! Educating yourself about the signs and the tools to help you heal will get you back on track. You can address your significant stress, manage the overwhelming feelings, and learn how to meet your needs and this child’s.
These tips can help you understand and prevent blocked care. If you are already struggling with blocked care, the tips can help you overcome it and find the proper support for your family.
Tip #1: Understand the cycle and the signs.
All children need a healthy attachment. Attachment is formed when a child’s caregivers consistently and repeatedly meet the needs that the child expresses over many years in a relationship together. When the attachment cycle breaks, the child loses trust in that primary caregiver. Many caregivers can find it hard to re-form the connection a child has lost with previous caregivers.
Tip #2: What are the signs?
Your grandchild (or niece or nephew) came to your home partly because their early attachment is broken. In their original home, connection and attachment were likely inconsistent or unpredictable.
You may also be experiencing broken attachments because you didn’t seek out the responsibility to raise this child. You may be grieving your adult child’s choices and challenges.
You might feel overwhelmed by this child’s behaviors. You want to understand and meet their needs, but you are unsure how to do that.
Broken attachment cycles can create tension and overwhelm for everyone. You may feel shame or guilt, resentment, sadness, and anger. All these emotions can be signs that blocked care is a possibility.
Tip #3: Try these practical tips.
1. Take care of your nervous system.
Your nervous systems need good fuel, restorative rest, and cues of felt safety. Prioritize good sleep habits, healthy eating, hydration, and physical movement in your daily life.
2. Look for joy!
What brings you joy? Can you remember? Write down the things you think of that fill you with pleasure and set a plan to do those things intentionally. You might find that joy in something as simple as a cup of special herbal tea, a few minutes of quiet reading each morning, or a walk outside in the fresh air. Whatever brings you joy, look forward to it, and notice how it feels when you are doing it. And do it regularly. The key is to train your brain to seek joy instead of focusing on life’s stresses. You can create this healthy shift in your nervous system.
3. Reclaim compassion.
Looking for reminders of this child’s preciousness can stir up your affection for them. One example could be the earliest fu, funniest, or cutest picture you have of them. Display it where you’ll see it often to remind yourself of that sweetness.
Try to remember that behavior is communication. What is this child trying to tell you about their needs? When you try to understand the reasons behind their behaviors, you can feel compassion for them. Then you can find motivation to get the tools that will help them overcome their struggles.
Believe in your ability to meet those needs and make a difference in this child’s life. Try posting daily affirmations that can help retrain your thoughts.
4. Establish a healthy mindset.
Along with the healthy affirmations, try some self-reflection. Do your expectations need adjusting? Are you feeling out of control in these circumstances? You may benefit from working with a therapist, spiritual leader, or trusted friend to process your struggles. Grieve the loss of your unmet or mismatched expectations.
Cultivating an “attitude of gratitude” can also help, rather than focusing on what frustrates you and what you cannot control. You may find it helpful to keep a gratitude journal while working through blocked care.
5. Surround yourself with life-giving people.
Hopefully, you have a few trusted friends or family members who “get it” when you’re going through hard times. You might also have a safe foster or caregiver group, an online support group, or a spiritual advisor. Whoever your safe people are, connect with them and be honest about what you are experiencing. It’s common for someone experiencing blocked care to isolate, so counter that with connections to folks who comfort and support you.
6. Connect with this child.
Finding your way back to a gentle, loving relationship with this child is essential. One way to do this is by giving them an unexpected “yes,” even if it feels like breaking your usual rules. You could spontaneously run to McDonald’s for shakes and fries or let them stay up past their regular bedtime on the weekend. Consider allowing a request from your child that you don’t usually allow, as long as it’s safe, and enjoy the warm fuzzies you get from your “yes.”
Try to find other fun ways to connect positively with your child. Plan a movie night, game night, regular ice cream date, or create a secret family handshake. By adding small positive moments, you aim to rebuild the relationship.
7. Seek more significant support if your struggles have gone too far.
Everyone needs a break from their regular responsibilities occasionally. These breaks are even more crucial when your family is in a season of intensity, and you feel that your compassion is dull or your nervous system is overwhelmed. Short breaks and regular self-care should go on your calendar. Arrange childcare, and try it if you can sneak away for an overnight or two!
When your family’s needs are significant, consider therapy or other treatment resources in your community. Your grandchild’s pediatrician or school counselors might have leads to help you arrange the help that will support you all. If you are struggling to figure out what you need, brainstorm with your safe people to sort through the issues and plan your support.
Tip #4: Give yourself grace.
Regardless of the circumstances that brought you to this place of blocked care, being the primary caregiver for this child is hard. It’s hard for you and your partner. And it’s hard for this child.
Talk to yourself with the same compassion and grace you’d give to your best friend. Be gentle with yourself and offer gentleness to your child. You are not alone in this experience of blocked care, and you don’t have to recover alone, either.