When your grandchild or nephew spirals out of control or has a temper tantrum, it’s easy to lose your cool and join the chaos, isn’t it? After all, as Dr. Bruce Perry frequently says, “dysregulation is contagious!” So how can you stay calm, share your sense of calm, and help this child re-regulate when their emotions ramp up?
Start with Your Frame of Mind
One of the most valuable shifts you can make while raising this child is to look at their challenging behaviors, like tantrums or defiance, as their communication. Consider how to reframe their behaviors. Instead of assuming they are acting out or opposing you, think about what they might be trying to tell you about their inner state. It could be that they still need to learn verbal skills to say what they need. They may not have the emotional maturity to name the feelings that cause them to feel out of control. Maybe they are overwhelmed and unable to label that because their body reacts to the feeling quicker than their mind does.
Think of their dysregulation this way: when internal chaos stirs up in a child’s mind and body, they typically look for ways to get that feeling out and offload it to someone who can help them. You can be that safe person by seeing the challenging behaviors as a plea for help and understanding. As Dr. Ross Greene says, “Kids do well if they can.” You are uniquely positioned to help this child learn that they can do well, and you will help them learn how!
Strategies to Keep Your Calm
We know that when a child goes off the rails with tantrums, meltdowns, or other behaviors that feel out of control, it’s challenging to maintain calm and control. These ideas for keeping your cool can allow you to be that helper for a child who is struggling and needs help managing their big emotions.
These suggestions may feel awkward at first. You might even feel like you are delaying a response to this child’s outbursts or needs. However, consistently practicing them will make them easier to do more quickly. You might be surprised how soon these begin to feel like a natural response to their big emotions.
1. Take a beat.
Before you dive into the chaos and try to restore order, take a moment to pause and identify the emotions you are feeling. Check your breathing and slow it down by intentionally focusing on it. For example, take a deep breath through your nose slowly over a count of 4. Hold it for a count of 4. Then, release your breath slowly through your mouth over a count of 4. Repeat this ten times and focus on allowing it to calm your mind, too.
You can also pause to think about the events that led to this moment of the child’s meltdown. Was there disagreement over a toy? Did they get an update about a bad grade? Did a friend ditch them for other plans? By thoughtfully looking at the lead-up to the dysregulation, you can prepare your thoughts to meet the need this child or young person is trying to express.
2. Take stock of the skill.
This child’s communication is clear: something is wrong, and they are struggling. Consider what you might have learned about the events leading to this outburst. What life skills are needed to address this situation? If the outburst results from an argument about a toy, does this child need to practice learning how to compromise and share? When children react strongly to a bad grade, they may need help learning how to study. Or they may need scaffolding to learn to manage disappointment. Children with strong reactions to friends changing plans might need help learning resilience and flexibility. They may also need help learning to manage rejection.
You can do these assessments more quickly as you learn this child’s skill levels and their typical reactions in areas where those skills are delayed or lacking.
3. Offer to share your calm.
You can help this child re-regulate by offering to share your sense of calm in several simple ways. When you do your slow, deep breathing in their presence, you model self-regulation in real time for them. Additionally, kids will often automatically match their breathing to yours without even realizing they are doing so. Slowing their breathing down calms their brain and body, too.
Another way to share your calm is gently touching the child on the shoulder to interrupt their pattern or reaction. Sometimes, just a simple touch is enough to stop the meltdown. However, many children don’t want to be touched when they are tantruming. You could instead get down on their level and sit quietly by their side or in their eye-line.
If this child is open to talking with you, use as few words as possible to let them know they are not alone in this internal chaos. Let them know you are present, you won’t leave them alone to manage this, and you want to help.
Finally, intentionally sharing your sense of regulation and internal state of calm with this child helps keep you calm and focused. You are paying close attention to your thoughts, feelings, and actions and how they impact this child, which positively affects the child. This child’s response to you motivates you to keep sharing your calm. This cycle can help you both get to where brainstorming better responses for the next time can be possible.
Practice “Progress over Perfection”
Your goal shouldn’t be to “nail these skills” the first few times you try them. Instead, be happy with incremental changes. In fact, go looking for progress! Any small step toward more regulation in you or your grandchild is worth celebrating. In your moment of calm, consider telling yourself, “Progress over perfection,” or a similar reminder that developing coping skills takes time.
Your relative child can learn the skills they need to regulate in moments of fear, panic, anger, or disappointment when you model those coping tools. They can label their internal state as they practice it with you and feel safe to explore those feelings. When they can take part in your sense of calm, they can identify what calm feels like and begin cultivating their own skills to restore internal calm for themselves. Staying calm in the face of this child’s chaotic feelings takes hard work, intentional actions, and commitment to the progress you can make together.