Many factors have come together to lead you to welcome your grandchild (or any other relative) to your home. This new situation can be fulfilling and satisfying – after all, you are helping this child find healing and safety to grow and thrive. However, the new dynamics in your family can also be challenging and overwhelming.
Getting off on the right foot means one step at a time!
If you let yourself go too far down the mental path of “how can I do this well?” or “what will this mean for me and this child?” you are not alone! These tips can help you prepare for the immediate needs of your new family situation. By referring to them as you learn and grow together, these tips can also keep you on a healthy path forward that gives you all the space to thrive.
1. Commit to learn and keep learning.
Whether you work with a case worker or you are raising this child outside of the foster system, try to commit to a learning mindset. You should get as much information as you can about this child’s challenges. These might include behavior struggles in school, learning differences, or mental health issues.
Living away from Mom and Dad might be the safest option, but it also brings up many added layers for this child to work through. Look for local parent training and ask about taking the courses. Get recommendations for books, webinars, or podcasts from a case worker, the social worker in the local school district, or the pediatrician.
These links can help you begin:
- Impacts of trauma on child development
- Prenatal substance exposure (to drugs and alcohol)
- Creating healthy attachment
- Books for kids and adults about kinship care
When you have been out of the “parenting game” for a while, raising this child might feel like you dropped into a whole new world. Take your time searching for the resources your local community offers. The options and resources available now are quite different from those that supported you when your kids were young.
If you don’t have a case worker to help you navigate community connections, try the school district social worker or guidance counselor. You could also join a local foster parent support group. Meeting with them regularly will provide education, support, and a sense of community that helps you and these kids thrive.
2. Build a network for your family.
The old adage “it takes a village” rings true in kinship care because your family has unique joys and challenges. For example, you may not have planned to raise a child at this stage of life. Working through this new normal can be easier if you have a safe person to process those changes. This could be a counselor, case worker, friend, or spiritual leader.
If your grandchild (or niece or cousin) struggles to cope with these changes, do you have trustworthy, experienced adults that can help you help them? It can be supportive for you and your grandchild to have a few dependable friends that will support you with practical care, like occasional meals, childcare, and even mentoring your grandchild. Gathering people around you will be an invaluable support to your family and lay the foundation for success.
In-person and online groups can also be invaluable tools! By joining a community of others who are living what you are, you have folks that “get it” without having to explain yourself all the time. These types of gatherings usually serve different purposes from your regular friendships because they can offer peer learning.
The key is to find a few types of community to help hold isolation and loneliness at bay. Returning to the child-rearing season when other friends have moved on can be lonely without a community that understands what you are doing and why.
3. Self-care is more crucial than ever!
Closely related to the previous tip, building healthy habits for self-care is crucial to helping you be present and safe for this child. Your efforts to create a healthy environment for this child to heal and thrive will be meaningless if you cannot enjoy it with them. Burn-out and fatigue will prevent you from that connection.
Ask yourself what feeds your spirit and makes you feel like “you.” Consider both practical and emotional care when asking yourself these questions. Then, create a plan and go for it!
If the idea of self-care stumps you, consider one of these to get you started:
- Schedule for weekly grocery delivery
- Set aside daily prayer or meditation time
- Take a weekly hike
- Join a book club
- Learn a new hobby
- Learn how to garden
- Sing in the community choir
- Batch, cook, and stock the freezer once a month
- Join an exercise class
- Journal every night
- Take painting classes
The point is to keep yourself at the top of your “to-do” list. Keeping your health and well-being in focus will help you be at your best for this precious child who needs you.
4. Focus on clear communication and transparency.
With birth parents
This might be the most challenging of our tips to implement, especially if the child you are raising is your adult child’s child. However, it is vital to your mental and emotional health and to this child’s, too!
When interacting with this child’s parent(s), be open, honest, and straightforward. Searching this site under the tag “Working Together for the Good of the Child in Your Care” will help you find resources to build your communication skills for this relationship.
If you are having a tough time navigating these relationships, reach out to a caseworker or a trusted third party like a clergy or counselor.
With school
It’s also crucial to work on clear, open communication with the child’s educational team. You will all need to work together to help the child succeed in school. Many kids in this child’s situation face similar struggles in school and their new home life. The school can support you in supporting this child.
However, they need you to keep them in the loop about what is happening at home and how it affects them at school. Your grandchild needs you to advocate for how home and school can work together to support them best. Learn more by searching under the “School Issues for Foster & Kinship Kids” tag here.
5. Enjoy each other!
Finally, one of the most important things to remember is that your grandchild (or nephew or cousin) needs the joy and simplicity of childhood restored. Find activities that make you laugh together while building your attachment bond. Take time to relax and unwind together. Learn a new hobby or create a weekly tradition you all look forward to. You all will experience tremendous healing when you carve out time for childlike joy and wonder. One word of caution: this intentional act of seeking joy is addictive!
Playing together might look different now as a grandparent (or great-aunt, etc.) than when your children were young. That’s okay—buckle up and enjoy the ride. When you let this child lead the way in exploring the fun factor, you will feel the glue of joy and laughter pulling you all together to stick tight.