Your grandchild with brain differences (like ADHD, prenatal substance exposure, autism, or learning differences) navigates the world differently than you do. Sometimes, those differences can make the days challenging for you all. However, if you can focus on these three tips, you may be able to manage the responsibility of helping them thrive with more joy and peace.
3 Tips for Raising a Relative Child with Brain Differences
Children living with neurodiversity like autism, dyslexia, ADHD, or impacts from prenatal substance exposure can be a lot to handle. Their behaviors may feel extreme. Their school experience might be challenging. You might feel exhausted by daily dinnertime from keeping them on task and safe. These three tips can help you stay focused on the essentials of raising this child.
1. Be Present.
Your consistent, caring presence is the most protective and impactful action you can take for this child. Their future will forever be molded by how supported and safe they feel in your home. Even if you only raise this child for a short season, you will make an impact with the message that they are safe, they will be well-cared for, and you can handle whatever they’re facing.
Kids often feel othered or isolated by their learning or behavior challenges, even when they feel helpless to change those things about themselves. When your words match your actions, they will know you are on their team. Your presence – physically and emotionally, gives them the security to explore new behavior patterns.
2. Meet Their Needs.
All kids have basic needs they should expect caregivers to meet. Many kids with brain differences cannot state those needs easily. Whether they are non-verbal, have experienced significant loss or neglect, or struggle with the impacts of exposure to drugs and alcohol before birth, they likely try to make their needs known in other ways. So when tantrums or rages erupt, or whining and crying take over the room, consider what need is driving that outburst.
- Are they hungry? Are they thirsty?
- How have they been sleeping?
- Do they need physical contact or affection to re-regulate?
- What was the last visit with Mom or Dad like?
- Has the family schedule been too unpredictable?
- Is the household environment chaotic or overstimulating?
These are just a few questions to ask yourself when digging under a challenging behavior to find the driving need. As you get to know this child better, or as the child’s language skills develop, you can start to discuss their feelings to help you understand their need. When they are young, new to your home, or struggling with delayed skills (which is often another impact of trauma or prenatal substance exposure), they will need you to narrate the experience and model how to talk about it. Until then, try a few obvious things and speak with them as you meet the need you think is most likely behind the behavior.
For example, if your young nephew has been crying and acting out since he got home from preschool, try this:
“Johnny, you are crying and whining at Grandma. Can I get you a glass of cold water and hold you on my lap while you calm down? Then we can talk about what is making you sad. Grandma wants to help you feel better so you can behave well.”
3. Call Out the Good!
Even if their challenging behaviors dominate most of your time together, look for things to praise them about. Focus on the type of behavior you want to see, including the attitudes you find appropriate for your family culture, and call them out when you see them popping up. As much as you can manage, ignore little behaviors that may be annoying or overstimulating.
For example, whining the first time they ask for a drink, crashing their little cars against the wall, nagging a sibling several times instead of asking once, and waiting for a response are all annoying, but they are not putting anyone at safety risk. Further, this child’s behavior will likely change when they don’t get the attention they seek.
Instead, intentionally call out even the most minor positive behavior and make a spectacular deal about it. For example, “Wow, Janie, you nicely set the forks on the table. Thank you for helping set the table!” Or, “John, thank you so much for respectfully asking me to use the laptop. I appreciate it very much!” Please communicate with your words and expressions that they are valued and precious to your whole family.
Challenging Behaviors Are Tough On These Kids
It’s no picnic to raise a child with challenging behaviors that stem from brain differences. It feels like you constantly repeat yourself, re-direct, and correct them. But remember, these brain differences (and their dysregulated behaviors) are tough on this child too. Living inside a brain and body that feels out of sorts can be isolating, confusing, and painful for kids with neurodiversity. When you feel overwhelmed, remember that this child feels it too.
When they know you are with them, will meet their needs, and are precious and valued in your sight, they can thrive despite their brain differences!