Many young children feel free and safe to approach strangers with smiles and waves. They have not yet processed the “stranger danger” conversations that parents and caregivers will dole out over the coming years. They are curious, innocent, and trusting. But what do you do when your young grandchild (or nephew or great-niece) is too friendly or trusting with any adult around them? What if they are too affectionate and familiar with these strangers? How do you help them learn safe personal boundaries and to behave appropriately?
What is Indiscriminate Affection?
When a child approaches and interacts with other adults around them as they interact with their primary caretaker, you might observe indiscriminate affection. Securely attached children show a range of affection, attention, and connection with adults. They usually reserve the most personal connections for their primary caregivers, like sitting on Grandpa’s lap or hugging Auntie’s neck. They also hold themselves back a bit from strangers or acquaintances.
To help you further understand, consider who you count as your inner circle of family or friends. You likely share parts of your life with them quite differently than you do with an acquaintance you see once a month at the farmer’s market. You hug your best friend when they leave for vacation, but you shake hands with the contractor who fixed your sidewalk. Many of us develop these interpersonal skills from our lived experiences. We may have also seen them modeled by our older family members, and we’ve adapted our behavior to the culture around us.
Signs of Indiscriminate Affection
Your grandchild might not have seen enough modeling or had healthy life experiences yet to understand appropriate or safe boundaries with adults outside the family. You might be raising a child impacted by neglect, abuse, chaos, or learning differences who has not yet developed a safe attachment to one primary caregiver. You can look for signs like these to help you understand if your grandchild may need help learning healthy boundaries for expressing affection.
- Accepts and seeks out hugs and other physical affection from strangers
- Struggles to respect other people’s personal space
- Accepts help, comfort, and soothing from any available adult, even when injured or scared
- Looks for anyone to meet their physical needs (to help them cross the street, tie their shoes, zip their coat, etc.)
- Appears to have no fear or hesitation about approaching strangers in public
- Seems to be overly curious or open to interacting with strangers
Indeed, when this child is new to your home, or you are raising a particularly outgoing child, these signs might be more challenging to parse out. But as you spend more time with this child and get to know them, you should be able to figure out if they have a safe, healthy understanding of these boundaries.
How to Teach Safe Boundaries for Affection and Interaction
The good news is that this child can learn how to get their needs for physical affection met through careful, intentional connection with you, their primary caregiver. Through consistent, predictable care, you can help this child form a secure attachment that re-works their foundational understanding of relationships. Here are a few practical ideas to create that secure attachment. Be patient when using these tips – re-learning closer boundaries and safe attachments will take time and consistency.
1. Establish consistency and predictability.
Creating structure and routine that this child can count on is one clear way to communicate that you are their safe adult. Consistent nighttime routines, meals, and family time all work together to create a sense of being anchored into a safe space for kids who have experienced chaos or erratic care. No matter their age, your commitment to providing a predictable environment for this child signals their brain and body that they are safe and can trust your care for them.
2. Get visual.
Tape a circle about the size of a hula hoop on the living room floor, or use a hula hoop if you have one. (Hula hoops are usually inexpensive but only available seasonally at discount stores.)
Stand in the hoop and talk to your grandchild about “personal bubbles” – the space everyone has for “too close.” You can play with this concept by inviting the child into the hoop with you and talking about how that feels. Then, try standing back-to-back, on opposite sides of the hoop, outside the hoop, and varying distances from the circle to explore how those spaces feel. Try a few other games with the circles or hoops, in a “Mother May I?” style, to learn permission and consent around being in each other’s hoops.
3. Role-play.
Once you’ve taken time to observe this child’s boundaries (or lack thereof), consider a few scenarios that you can act out together to help them practice pulling their personal bubble a little closer.
Play-act going to the mall and seeing Mrs. Smith. Talk about your family’s relationship with Mrs. Smith. Is it close enough to warrant a hug or a simple “Hi, Mrs. Smith” from your grandchild? Then, act out another scenario with a different level of closeness. Please talk about the similarities and differences between the two connections, how to navigate them, and what the child can ask themself to guide their responses.
4. Prepare scripts.
Many kids impacted by exposure to drugs or alcohol during pregnancy or trauma in their early years struggle with impulsive behavior. Help your grandchild manage the impulse to seek physical affection from others by giving them a few short sentences to think about. Have them say these to themselves when trying to figure out what their boundaries are or should be with others. Here are a few to get you started.
- When I see a stranger, what should I do? Then plot out one or two simple steps to follow, such as checking with you to gain permission to talk to them.
- When is it ok to give hugs to others? They can answer themselves by saying, “When I say it’s ok and when they say it’s ok.”
- Is this a safe person to talk to? Teach them to check their “gut,” or check with you first.
- Am I too close? Remind them to think about the size of their hula hoop or taped circle at home to help them decide whether to make their bubble bigger.
- Can I hug you? Can I sit on your lap? Teach your grandchild to ask permission for – and give consent for! – physical touch from others.
These scripts might feel uncomfortable and awkward for you and your grandchild to start. But as they practice, they can learn how to ask them internally and manage their impulses silently. Again, be patient with yourselves as you practice these together.
Increase Your Supervision and Your Connection
It’s easy in these times to feel fearful of a child who is too friendly or affectionate with strangers or acquaintances. While it might be tempting to establish narrow, rigid boundaries and keep this child close by your side, it’s also not always realistic. Your close supervision should increase when you notice your grandchild doesn’t yet have safe boundaries. But you don’t want to create a fearful child who cannot navigate safely through life. When you are helping a child overcome indiscriminate affection, consider how to temporarily limit their time away from your supervision. Use that time to increase your connections and establish a strong attachment.
Balanced, reasonable boundaries take time, patience, and trust. You can set this child up for success when they understand that safe personal boundaries are healthy for all their future relationships.
Here is a reliable resource on indiscriminate affection: Indiscriminate Friendliness.