When a child is sexually abused or assaulted, one of the most damaging impacts of that traumatic experience is shame. The weight of shame and self-blame can lead to years of negative self-talk, depression, anxiety, self-esteem struggles, and more. These impacts make it challenging for a child to move toward healing. While this child lives in your home, there are several ways you can help lift the burden of shame from this child’s shoulders and help them find a healthy path forward.
Helping a Child Cope with the Impacts of Sexual Abuse
A child who has experienced sexual abuse may struggle with challenging behaviors, low self-esteem, and feelings of blame, shame, and worthlessness. Whether you know for sure that a child has been sexually abused or you suspect it but have no proof, you can come alongside this child in these ways. Offering your home is, of course, a great starting point. Your goal should be to ensure that this child always knows you and your home are a safe landing place and that you will protect them from further injury.
1. Seek professional help.
Whether you attend counseling with this child, the child goes alone, or you seek counseling to help you process the experiences of raising this child, it’s crucial support to have a safe, educated professional in your corner while this child lives with you. If you need recommendations for counselors with experience in healing from sexual abuse, talk with the pediatrician, a school counselor, or a case worker with your tribe’s foster care system. Other resources for reliable recommendations can include faith leaders in your community and other foster or relative caregivers in your circles.
2. Give the child the language for their abuse.
Working with therapists or counselors can also help you give the child the language they need to cope with the abuses they experienced. Help your grandchild name the abuse that occurred, identify the feelings that come from that abuse and the behaviors they engage in when they are coping with those feelings. It will help to use appropriate names for body parts and label the actions for what they were. Many children who were sexually abused had language for these actions from their abuser (cuddling, special time, etc.). Re-naming it for what it is can empower the child when you are teaching them that they are not to blame for what happened to them.
3. Re-direct the blame.
You may hear your grandchild talking about themself – directly or indirectly – and the abuse. It’s common for children to blame themselves for abuse of any kind. Their abusers may have even subtly blamed them with manipulative language.
When you hear them blaming themselves, it’s critical that you (gently, patiently, and consistently) re-direct the blame to the grown-ups. Find ways to keep re-direct their belief that they are at fault, with examples like these:
- “You are a child. You deserved protection and care.”
- “You did not choose to be hurt. You did not give consent.”
- “Being hurt like that was not your choice.”
4. Allow the anger and give them space to grieve.
As this child feels safer and safer in your home, you might see a rise in behaviors that are hard to understand. The child might become moodier, more distant, or even engage in rage and outbursts. Try to remember that their healing journey is a long process. Anger and grief over what they’ve experienced will not be a straightforward path. Allowing these children to face their abuse, name it, and work through it is part of their healing process, and it can get uglier before it gets better.
In kids, anger and grief might show up as temper tantrums, nightmares, aggressive play, controlling behaviors, depression, and so on. When your grandchild has a challenging behavior crop up, please take a moment to consider what they might be trying to express before you respond. Kids often do not have the language to describe their internal feelings or needs, which is why helping them name what they feel is so empowering. Responding (rather than reacting) to the need under their behavior makes them feel safe and heard. Responding to the need they are trying to express also helps them connect their anger or grief to their behaviors.
5. Teach this child the skill of self-compassion.
Self-compassion is a very powerful tool for opposing self-blame and shame. It is the practice of offering kindness to yourself when you might otherwise choose self-criticism or negative self-talk.
This skill takes a while to build, and you can start the process by choosing kindness and compassion for this child, even in the smallest of ways. In fact, it’s okay to “go overboard” with your kindness and gentle empathy for this child while easing them into learning about self-compassion. We offered tips on empathy in the article “Showing Empathy When Your Grandchild Is Struggling.”
When you go about your day, model self-compassion by narrating kindness for yourself when you’ve made a mistake or are struggling with something. Then, when you hear your grandchild engaging in self-blame or negative self-talk, pause with them and rehearse self-compassion over that event instead.
To learn more about self-compassion, watch this video.
There is Hope for Kids Who Experience Sexual Abuse
There are many myths and stigmas in our society about sexual abuse. However, the truth of the matter is that children who experience sexual abuse can find healing with the proper support and care. The power of your presence, love, and nurture cannot be understated. You are responsible and privileged to meet this child’s needs and walk with them through the pain to the other side. They can find healthy coping skills and learn to thrive in your care.