Many grandparents or aunts are raising their grandchild or nephew because the child’s parents are addicted. It is easy and very tempting to judge the child’s parents as bad and irresponsible. While you love them, you may be angry at them for putting you in this situation. Your first reaction might be to cut them out of the child’s life entirely. While you do need to protect the child, as tempting as it might be, think long and hard about completely cutting off the child’s relationship with their parents. (Of course, if social services are involved, you don’t have the final say in whether this child has contact with their parents.)
How Do You Maintain a Relationship with Parents Who Have Substance Abuse Disorders?
These tips won’t fix the relationship between you and your grandchild’s parents; however, they can help you have reasonable expectations while raising their child. These suggestions can also help you set healthy boundaries with everyone while still bringing a sense of hope for healing and a long-term relationship.
1. Assume the best.
Start from the foundation that you both love this child. Assume that both of you want what is best for the child. Try to approach the child’s parents in a spirit of openness and cooperation even as they struggle with an addiction. Your mutual goal is to help everyone move forward with healthy choices for the child. Recognize that as this child’s parents, they add value and purpose to the child’s life.
2. Set reasonable ground rules.
When the child joins your home, consider establishing ground rules for how, when, and where the parents will visit their child. Include in your rules what is safest for the child. Some common rules include:
- no visits while they are high or drunk
- only supervised visits at your home if they are using or drinking
- no driving with the child
If your grandchild is already living in your home, try to set up a time with the parents to talk about how things are going now and what you might like to see moving forward. Again, keep the child’s best interest at the heart of these conversations.
If you are raising this child under child welfare supervision, please check with the caseworker to get input on how to satisfy their requirements.
3. Be flexible with visits.
When it is safe for the child, try to be as flexible as possible about meeting times with a parent struggling with addiction. This child’s parent might be in and out of your home frequently, so only you can decide how that is going for you and the child. If it’s not working, talk with the parent and devise another way to handle visits. If this child is being supervised by a case worker, you will also need to work out a visitation days and times with them.
For example, you could say,
“I noticed the last time you showed up, you seemed hung-over. It’s better for her to spend time with you when you are feeling well. She deserves to see the healthier side of you. Can you try coming after school?”
4. Expand your definition of ‘family.’
Sometimes, a relationship with your grandchild’s parent(s) is impossible. Can other people in the child’s family help you support this child? Do the child’s other grandparents want to be involved? Can aunts or uncles on either side of the family be role models for this child?
Think about the other safe adults in your family’s community that would be a good network for you and your grandchild in this challenging season. If applicable, talk with the child’s caseworker for ideas and a workable visitation agreement.
5. Avoid visits when the parent is obviously using or misusing drugs or alcohol.
Spending time with a parent who is actively abusing drugs or alcohol can be frightening for a child. Try to avoid exposing the child to their parent in this condition as much as possible. It’s challenging when the parent is your child, as you are also concerned for their safety and health. However, the primary focus needs to be the child’s best interest. Try the following ideas for times when the parent is obviously impacted by the use or abuse:
- See if a reliable friend is willing to meet with the child’s parent(s) before a scheduled visit to determine if they are too affected to come into your home. If they are, cancel the visit for now.
- If visits are not scheduled or planned, create a plan (with the parent’s involvement when they are sober) for how to handle unscheduled visits in this condition. Enforce the plan consistently and kindly, offering a second chance later when they are no longer showing ill effects.
- If the child is being supervised by a caseworker, ask for them to meet with the child’s parent right before a scheduled visit. Caseworkers can ask the parent to show up 30 minutes before the child, at a neutral meeting place, to assess their condition for that meeting.
- Meet with the child’s parents yourself, before they see their child. Catch them up on what is going on in their child’s life, using this time with the parent to determine if they can visit with the child today.
6. Keep it positive.
No matter the history between you and the child’s parent(s), try your best to speak with respect about them. Don’t demonize their parents, even if the child is struggling to be positive. Be honest but be hopeful when talking to the child (in age-appropriate ways) or other family members.
“Yes, they have a problem. Yes, it hurts us. But they are your parents. They love you. And they want what is best for you.”
Try to find something positive and valuable that they bring to your family and this child. When a parent is struggling with a substance disorder, they must be surrounded by people who will be positive and encouraging about their ability to get healthy. It’s equally essential to your grandchild’s emotional development and sense of security to feel optimistic about their parents. You can model healthy emotional regulation and positive support for this child when you speak well of their parents.
7. Make sure you don’t set things in stone.
Sometimes, during the parents’ struggle with alcohol or substance disorders, you will have to change the timing of visits. You might have to cut visits off to keep the child safe for a while. Please consider that these changes should not be set in stone. In a relationship with a parent who struggles with substance disorders, you must hold on to hope for growth and change. Remind yourself that people can heal from their addiction. Extend the grace of this possibility to your child’s parents by your willingness to adjust the openness of the child’s contact with them as you see that recovery happen.
8. Maintain a spirit of openness.
Think creatively about how to maintain the spirit of openness during those times when your grandchild cannot visit with their parent in person. Again, if a caseworker is involved in your grandchild’s case, please consult them for adjustments to scheduled visitations or alternate types of contact.
Some creative ideas for additional or alternate connections can include:
- Try to email or text the parent(s) or allow the child to email or text.
- Maintain connections with other members of the child’s extended family. Try to keep the doors open for contact or visits.
- Create a closed Facebook group for other family members (aunts, uncles, other grandparents, etc.). Use the space to connect, share pictures, and keep each other updated on the child’s well-being.
Relationships with Parents Battling Substance Abuse Disorders Takes Extra Work
Your grandchild deserves the opportunity for a relationship with his parents. All relationships take a degree of give-and-take to be successful. This season is challenging while your grandchild’s parent is struggling with alcohol or substance abuse because it feels like you are doing all the giving. Try to work through that feeling so you can see that the challenges in your family can be overcome. When you implement these suggestions, you can help ensure that the child’s best interests are the priority.