When welcoming an older child to your home, it can be challenging to strike a balance. You don’t want to come on too strong and overwhelm them. You also don’t want to be too relaxed or laid back because you want them to feel welcome and safe. You can do several things to help your loved one’s tween or teen feel at home with you in the early days of their time with you.
5 Be’s to Keep in Mind when Welcoming an Older Relative Child
1. Be Curious
Before the young person arrives.
Before this young person arrives, be curious about what is happening to them. What was going well for them? What was not going well? Why is it necessary that they leave home? What are they feeling? You could get this information from their parents or other relatives.
If a caseworker is involved, ask them to help you understand the child’s needs. Get their input on how they are dealing with the experience so far. Ask the caseworker for the child’s file for your review. However, understand this might only happen after the child arrives.
Once the young person is with you.
In the early days of their arrival, be curious about them. Don’t bombard them with many questions, as that can increase their anxiety. However, weave your curiosity into the daily rhythms at home. For example, let them know that everyone takes turns picking dinner (or dessert, or breakfast, etc.) every Tuesday, and tomorrow is their turn. What would they like? Do they want to help make it?
Try conversation starters at your family’s main meal. Mix up a bowl of both light-hearted and more profound questions. Each person takes turns answering one question from the bowl.
Listen to their conversations. Observe their choices in music or tv shows. Getting to know them in gentle, low-key ways often happens when you are in the car or playing a video game together. You can learn much from your grandchild by paying attention and being present in those moments.
2. Be Open & Accepting
Many times, young people come across as shut down, closed off, or disconnected in new or unfamiliar situations. Others come in hot! Their stress reactions are overwhelming them. Either way, it’s okay – they are processing a lot of information and change.
When you interact in open-hearted, open-minded ways, you allow them to let their guard down and accept your presence and support. Accept them in a matter-of-fact, steady path toward helping them feel safe to open up. Eventually, their true self will shine.
Ask open-ended questions to gently encourage interaction. However, be patient and gauge how they respond. Pull back a bit and keep modeling openness without expecting them to return it. That’s okay – this young person might need more time and space to settle. Keep at it and let them lead the way.
For example, many tweens and teens feel triggered by too many questions. Find another way to create a connection. Bring them a plate of cookies while they game. Grab a library book about that famous skateboarder they talked about at breakfast.
3. Be Intentional…
To learn more about trauma.
Your loved one has experienced some traumatic events before joining your home. It takes time and patience to help them overcome those experiences. You will make them feel safe and welcome if you can view their behaviors through a trauma lens. If you are not familiar with the impacts of trauma on a child, keep reading at this site to increase your understanding. Read books to help you learn tools to support your loved one. Listen to podcasts like this one on trauma.
To learn about challenging behaviors.
Stress and anxiety can be at the root of many challenging behaviors. While this young person wrestles with the changes in their life, their stress response is on high alert. Fear, loss of control, and anger can make them act unkindly, have tantrums, lie, instigate fights, or shut you out. These are also messages that they don’t yet feel safe or loved. Learn how to correct these behaviors in loving, safe ways and how to work together to meet their needs.
To practice self-care.
Helping raise an older relative child is hard work. Going the extra mile to make them feel welcomed and safe requires that you be healthy and strong.
Start a regular routine of self-care. Find what nourishes you and pursue it. Take care of physical health by getting good sleep, eating healthy, and staying active. Your mental and emotional health is also critical. Refresh your mind and spirit through prayer, meditation, or time with other adults who bring you joy.
4. Be Practical
Your grandchild might come to you with very few belongings. Meet their practical needs to make them feel welcome. Here are a few ideas to try.
Idea #1: Make a welcome basket.
Depending upon the child’s age and interests, fill a basket with things that will help them settle in, like:
- Hygiene products
- Haircare tools and accessories
- Sensory and fidget tools
- Games or books
- Snacks and water
Idea #2: Take them shopping.
Every situation is unique, so adjust this idea to your family’s budget, the child’s needs, and comfort levels. Remember, if your loved one is in a state of stress or anxiety, shopping the first day, or two might be too overwhelming.
Help the child avoid feeling overwhelmed by leaving a gift card and welcome note on the dresser. Offer a shopping trip when they feel ready. Make a list – or let them make one. Ease any discomfort by leaving a list of everyday needs on the dresser – like deodorant, toothpaste, underwear, socks, etc. They can check off items they need and personalize the list before shopping.
Talking about hygiene habits and products might feel too personal at first. Offer the basics to them to tide them over. When they are calm and have a chance to settle, calmly suggest they add preferred items to their list. You can deal later with their personal preferences.
Idea #3: Incorporate them into the daily routine.
It might be tempting to let your relative child take their time to settle in and not feel pressured to join the family’s daily rhythms. However, it would help if you also learned how to ease them into your home’s daily routines. They will benefit from being included and treated as a regular household member.
5. Be Balanced
Taking your older relative child in for this time can be a fantastic, rewarding experience for your family. However, the transition will take time and patience. Preparing well (if you can!) and closely observing their needs can be challenging. Seek the right balance of curiosity, acceptance, intention, and practicality to ease the transition for you and this young person. The balancing act takes work. Give your whole family some grace and compassion as you learn that balance together.