Welcoming a loved one’s child into our homes is a gracious and hospitable act of support and care for their struggling family. However, we often forget that raising someone else’s child – even one related to you – can take an added toll on our hearts, minds, and bodies. Self-care is not just some great idea to pursue once everything settles down and you magically find time in your calendar. Self-care is a habit and self-discipline we can build into our routines to fuel us and protect us from burnout and secondary stress trauma.
Start with Small Acts and Accessible Care
When you are new to self-care, it’s wise to start small. Consider what short periods are already part of your daily routine where you can pause. When do you typically have a moment to slow down, take deep breaths, and assess your state of being? For some caregivers, it might be after the rush of getting everyone out the door to school or work. For others, you might enjoy a moment of rest before everyone joins you at the supper table. It’s different for everyone, but when you observe your home’s rhythms, you can likely find ten minutes of quiet.
Once you’ve identified a regular time of day, think about how to take that moment “up a notch.” How can you prepare for that time and space to increase the sense of purpose or rest it brings you? Here are a few simple ideas to get your thoughts heading in that direction:
- Put a meditation, prayer book, or journal next to the comfy chair you usually sit in.
- Add a candle or a blanket that feels soothing.
- Place your walking shoes by the door so they are ready for a ten-minute walk.
- Fill a basket with earbuds, comfy sneakers, and gardening gloves for daily garden time.
The point is to prepare your space and plan to maximize that daily time. Again, keep it low-pressure and easy to accomplish. Be gentle with yourself and gracious about missed moments – this isn’t a test or checklist to perform. It’s about identifying where you already stop to take a deep mental and emotional breath and making your care more intentional.
Build on the Daily Habit
As you get comfortable with the daily habits of self-reflection and practicing a pause to fuel yourself, think about building on that habit. What things do you love and make you feel alive or uniquely “you?” For example:
- Does your dance class deeply connect you to your commitment to this tribal community? To this child and their family?
- Do you miss the art classes you were taking before your grandchild came?
- Did this summer’s book club challenge your mind with new ideas and learning?
- Do you love teaching tribal traditions at the local community center?
Identify what fires you up and think about the resources around you that will help fill that need. Be willing to carve out time for these activities – even once a month or 6 weeks. Sign yourself up and enter them into your family calendar. Then keep the appointment with yourself like you would a doctor’s appointment!
Plan ahead for success.
Finding childcare and arranging time away from the house can make you feel defeated about your plans before you even try them. Be realistic about what you can afford, financially and time-wise, and figure out how to still achieve your goal. You could swap childcare with a friend who also needs time away from the house. Or you can find an alternative opportunity that offers childcare for participants. Thoughtfully researching the options and obstacles can help you get creative about overcoming them. It’s empowering and can make the time away more meaningful once you arrange it all.
Plan ahead for resistance.
It’s common for caregivers to experience some objections from other household members when trying something new or changing the routine of the home. These changes might feel upsetting to the kids or to your partner, and that is understandable. Before committing to additional self-care opportunities, sit with your family and let them know you need to explore them and why.
Reassure them that your need for refueling is no reflection on them or their current care for you. Instead, you need to invest in yourself to care well for yourself. Please show them your intention by ensuring that they feel safe with the plans you make for them when you are participating in your new activity. Be matter-of-fact and calm about your plans to proceed, and keep assuring them that they are safe and well-loved.
Avoid the Temptation to Isolate.
When caring for a child who has experienced trauma, loss, or chaos, it’s easy to make your days all about that child and how you support them. However, when you do that, you can quickly isolate yourself from your community. Stress, exhaustion, and feeling overwhelmed may also make it easy to separate yourself from friends and family who can help you carry this load. Isolation can lead to depression, burnout, and secondary trauma stress. (Read more about secondary trauma stress at this link.)
Consider what self-care habits you can incorporate into your daily and weekly schedules that will bring you into connection with others. Many caregivers find building relationships with other caregivers in similar circumstances beneficial and seek parent or caregiver support groups.
There are plenty of other opportunities around you to consider, too:
- Join a prayer group at your local church.
- Attend the weekly crafting class at the town hall.
- Volunteer to deliver meals to the elderly members of your tribe.
- Set a weekly coffee date with a few friends.
- Meet your sisters for a walk at the high school track.
Whatever activity you choose to add to your self-care, look for ways to balance your need for alone time against unhealthy isolation. Only you can answer for that balance, and giving yourself flexibility and grace is crucial while you learn how to do it.
Self-Care is Not Selfish
Many in popular culture think of self-care as pampering and spoiling oneself. However true, regenerating self-care is much more than that!
Refreshing your mind and body to support this child in healing is vital to the well-being of everyone in your home. If you have one, you (and your partner) deserve the time and effort of prioritized self-care to refill you with the care, love, and energy you give to this child and their family. It’s not selfish. It’s self-preservation!