Whether you’ve already raised several children or recently welcomed another grandchild or loved one to your home, it’s easy to feel weary about the “full plate” in front of you. Raising a grandchild or other relative’s child brings you many new challenges. Maybe you weren’t expecting to be stretched and grown in this season of your life. At least not in these ways, right?
But it’s important to remember, for your sanity and this child’s well-being, that stepping in to raise this relative’s child also offers many opportunities for joy and healing. Holding on to that hope, or allowing that hope to be rekindled, will give you the energy and motivation to keep on with this vital work.
Tips to Refresh Yourself While Raising this Child.
These tips can refresh your mindset about caring for a child who has experienced chaos and loss. Wherever you are on this caretaking path, it’s easy to be worn down by the demands and weight of this child’s experiences and needs.
1. Renew your commitment.
Decide together, as a family, if you can, that this child’s needs and best interests always come first. Remind each other of your commitment to make decisions with the child at the center of the intentions. Talk about who is involved in the process and how to keep the child’s best interests at the forefront.
2. Bring in a professional.
If you feel stuck or worn down by the challenges of supporting this child and their parents in the healing process, it’s healthy to seek help! Find a trusted faith leader, therapist, counselor, or social worker to help you clearly identify or redefine who does what in this relationship. Look for someone in your community with experience in the issues that brought you all to this place.
3. Ditch the self-blame!
If you are raising your child’s child, it’s easy to get discouraged by their circumstances. However, remind yourself that you did the best you could when you were raising your child. With age and life experience, you have learned things. “When you know better, you will do better.” (a paraphrase from the late Maya Angelou!)
4. Set firm rules and boundaries.
Work – or re-address – specific guidelines and rules for your relationship with the child’s parents. If it helps to bring in a neutral third party to help you negotiate, then set a time when all the adults can be present to participate. Be clear and offer to write out the mutually agreed-upon plans for each of you.
If alcohol or drugs are involved start, consider attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon for the support they offer. If this child is old enough, encourage them to attend an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon Family Group for help.
5. Keep it positive.
It can be challenging in these situations, but try not to say negative things about this child’s parents, grandparents, or other close family members. If the child goes from your home to another family member’s, you want them to go with the best chance of finding healing there, too.
This may be the most challenging part of raising a loved one’s child, especially if you struggle with disappointment or guilt. Remember that this child didn’t ask for any chaos or loss. They deserve to feel safe with the adults helping care for them. You all deserve some hope for healing.
6. Keep the child out of the middle.
This tip is closely related to keeping it positive. Please recommit not to say or do things to make the child feel they should take sides with you and their parents. Remember that as painful as divided loyalties are for you, they are even more painful for a child who doesn’t fully understand everything happening around them.
7. Line up regular support and breaks.
In addition to seeking professional help to navigate tricky relationships, consider what support you need to refuel yourself. Here are a few practical suggestions:
- Ask (maybe again?) for help from other family members for a weekend off.
- Schedule a date night with your partner and line up a sitter.
- Join a supportive community of other caregivers, whether online or in person.
- Ask other grandparents who are also raising grandkids to come for dinner. Talk with them about a babysitting swap.
- Find afterschool programs your grandchild can enjoy a couple of days a week or monthly.
8. Plan ahead.
It might not feel hopeful when you first read this. But consider setting up a time to talk with your family about who would care for the child if you cannot. It would help if you also worked with a family law attorney to set up that arrangement and other legal protections for the child. Many grandparents or aunts and uncles raising family members feel underlying stress and anxiety about the “what-ifs,” and this conversation can significantly alleviate that burden. When your stress lightens, it’s easier to be hopeful about the work you are committed to for this child.