The holiday season is in full swing, with messages of joy, family togetherness, and bright, colorful celebrations of many different cultures and faith traditions. When raising a grandchild, nephew, or other relative child, the holiday season can be pretty stressful to navigate together.
Kids who have experienced chaos, loss, abuse, or separation from their parents might feel triggered by their memories, sights, sounds, and smells heightened at the holidays. Their behavior is impacted by feelings of overwhelm or sadness. The good news is that there are practical things you can do to help your whole family enjoy the holiday season, even when the kids are anxious or stressed.
But First: Why Would Your Grandchild Struggle During the Holidays?
Many factors contribute to the stress and anxiety that your relative’s child might feel at this time of year. In addition to typical child-like anticipation and the hyped-up atmosphere your grandchild experiences in school and the community, holidays often change their routines, environment, or eating patterns.
Triggers Abound
All these changes can trigger memories of what they left behind when they had to leave their homes. When a child comes to your home with conscious memories of happy holidays in the past, they keenly feel the change and the loss of the coming celebrations.
Input Overload
Then consider that holiday music is everywhere! Television specials, school concerts, or community plays, even when they are fun and a cherished tradition, often mean changes in bedtime routines. The suspense of spying on wrapped gifts might feel delicious to a young child, but it can also feel scary and uncertain when the child wonders if Mom or Dad will get or give gifts this year.
Let’s not forget the holiday food! Your nephew may love the extra sugary, special treats you only make once a year; his behavior and anxious tummy do not.
“Special” Might Not Feel Fun
These changes may feel “special” to an adult who has learned to manage the season. Still, your grandchild or niece might struggle with the inconsistency or changes in their predictable routines. When a child feels routine is slipping away or isn’t sure what is coming next, stress levels increase, and behavior becomes challenging. You might see a late candlelight service as reverent and moving. Your exhausted grandchild might find it boring. Lack of sleep might make behavior challenging tomorrow.
Keep the Child’s Story in Mind
Finding ways to enjoy the season with your loved ones is crucial. Cherished traditions can help your grandchild feel anchored into your larger family story. Your family’s traditions and culture should be shared, along with the values you hold dear. However, if your loved one’s child shows signs of stress and anxiety about this holiday season, try these tips to help manage the celebrations and your expectations, too. Consider their recent story when offering them the bigger picture of your family’s and community’s story.
10 Tips to Enjoy the Holidays with Relative Children
- Check with your loved one’s child to learn more about the traditions or experiences they enjoyed when they lived at home with their parents. Plan ways they can help you do the things that are meaningful to him with the activities your household does during the holidays.
- Be mindful of this child’s changing feelings about the holidays and the losses or previous experiences they bring with them. They might not consciously “sabotage” your family events. However, they might process these new experiences differently than you expect.
- Don’t take this child’s struggles or behaviors personally. Instead, shift your mindset, and don’t assume the worst. For example, consider it “This child is struggling right now with our traditional family dinner” instead of “This child is being so selfish and wrecking our holiday meal.”
- Talk with this child to understand what they are feeling. Hopefully, you’ve had times of building trust and openness leading up to these conversations. Along the way, remember to hold healthy boundaries and realistic expectations for their behavior. You can say, “I’m sorry you are struggling. But this (name the behavior) is not safe. Can we walk together to calm ourselves down and find another way to work through your (name the emotion)?”
- Maintain basic routines as much as possible during the holiday season. Of course, there will be valuable exceptions to the usual schedule, but keep your daily routine as consistent as possible. When the schedule does change, give this child advance notice. If they are old enough, discuss ways to prepare themselves and manage those changes with your support.
- Remember, the suspense of holiday celebrations can be triggering for a child who has experienced trauma. Ease their anxiety by discussing what emotions arise when surprises or spontaneous events happen. If you sense they have unrealistic expectations about upcoming events, help them identify them. Then, talk about a better balance of healthy and mismatched expectations.
- If your family exchanges gifts during the holidays, consider reducing the number of gifts this child receives. Too much stuff all at once can be overwhelming and overstimulating, which often leads to challenging behaviors. Instead, be creative with the type of presents that you give. Consider that connection-building experiences together can be more purposeful than more stuff. Also, consider spreading the gift-giving over a longer period (even up to a few days) to help manage the overstimulation.
- Model for your grandchild about your values of generosity. And equip them to try it out for themselves. Be creative in teaching them how to express care to others. Time spent with a loved one or volunteering in your community teaches the values of being generous and connected to something larger than themselves. Remember to introduce the beauty of simple, hand-made gifts for loved ones or their parents.
- It’s okay to set boundaries and limits around your holiday experiences this year, especially if it’s your relative child’s first holiday with you. Extended family members, birth parents, and case managers might need help understanding. But you are the gatekeeper of your home. You can advocate for what works for your family this year – including gifts, activities, food or treats, and visitors.
- Take good care of yourself during the holiday season. Managing your family’s routines and traditions, supporting your loved one’s child, and planning holiday events are hard work! You can help your grandchild regulate and heal much more effectively when you are rested and regulated, too! Several articles on this site can help you uncover what self-care looks like.