Does your grandchild or nephew struggle with skipping homework, whining over chores, fighting with siblings, or raging when told “no?” Does this child have BIG emotions that are out of sync with the circumstances? Does behavior go off the rails when they get lost in those big feelings? You aren’t alone! Many kids who started out life in a chaotic home or were exposed to alcohol or drugs during pregnancy need extra help to regulate their emotions and change challenging behaviors.
Why Does a Behavior Chart Help?
Behavior charts can be valuable tools for kids who need external motivation to keep their behavior on track. One reason charts work well is that the child can see their progress and goal in front of them. Kids with prenatal substance exposure or early life trauma or loss often struggle with ideas and emotions because they can’t see them. A chart on the wall is concrete, literal information for their brain to process.
Children can also find help for improving behavior with charts if they can feel ownership over the process. Inviting their participation – creating it with you, brainstorming the preferred goals, and choosing the rewards — gives the child a voice in the process. They learn their voice matters, and they can use it to say what they think works. This type of self-advocacy is a valuable life skill! Your grandchild is much more likely to stick with a plan and make a lasting change if they are self-motivated.
Finally, behavior charts work when the child experiences success and starts to crave more success. The opportunity to choose positive changes and follow through with them feels great to a kid who struggled to feel successful before joining your home.
How to Make a Behavior Chart
1. Decide what form your chart should be.
Spend a little time looking over different types of charts. There are many on the internet to choose from or you can make your own. Think about what you know about this child to help you sort through the many options:
- Do they prefer a written list with stickers or checkmarks to mark progress?
- Do they think better in pictures?
- Is this child artistic?
- Do they need their day broken into parts?
Creating your own chart on poster board can be a chance for your child to express themselves. Using a whiteboard or dry-erase board makes the investment low-cost and re-useable while you figure out which will work for your needs.
2. Choose the type of chart that works for this child.
A child who has experienced trauma, loss, or had prenatal exposure responds better to a rewards system that they can see and touch. (Read some of the other content on this site to understand the impacts of prenatal substance exposure and trauma on a child’s brain.)
You can focus on positive behavior by using a basic reward chart. Some reward charts take it further by adding consequences for undesirable behavior.
Talk to the child about their ideas and balance that against the behaviors you are targeting for improvement. Remember that adapting to a new system to manage behavior takes time. No matter what type of chart you choose, give yourselves time to figure it out together.
Of course, while you are working on the plan, some behaviors will be severe enough that you must enforce consequences. That’s okay – you will know what behaviors to target once you get in a good groove of using the chart.
Example: Rewards Charts
Jill’s Rewards Chart targets one behavior: “Jill will keep her hands to herself at the dinner table.” For each night Jill refrains from touching her sister or the hot dishes, she earns one sticker. Five stickers earn Jill a dollar-store treat from the treasure box.
Example: Rewards & Consequences Charts
A Rewards & Consequences Chart goes one step further to add: “If Jill touches her sister or the hot plates, Jill will apologize to her sister and dry dishes for her sister tonight.” For each night Jill refrains from touching her sister or the hot dishes, she earns one sticker. Five stickers earn her a treat.
3. Decide together the behaviors to target.
To help this child feel ownership over this process of changing behaviors, they need to feel in control over the goals. If this child is very young – say preschool or early elementary ages – you can guide them with a conversation about how it feels when their behavior is ugly or hard to manage. Ask them what behaviors they want to tackle first.
Keep the goals and process simple to start. Choose a couple (no more than three) of frustrating behaviors you know they can work on with a high chance for a good outcome. Set them up to succeed with positive language around the goals. For example:
- Jack will turn off his device when given a ten-minute warning.
- Jill will start her homework right after she has a snack after school.
4. Give rewards to celebrate successes.
Daily hype and rewards
When starting with the behavior chart, keep the goals simple, short-term, and easy to achieve. Follow any success with frequent and immediate positive reinforcement. The goal is to find many ways to call out the positive changes this child starts:
- Have a dance party for any positive step toward change.
- Use colorful, silly stickers or their favorite superhero stickers.
- Create a hype chant “Go, Jack, you rock!” Use it often and loudly.
- High fives and fist bumps work for tweens/teens. Do them liberally!
Eventually, you can phase out the daily hype and focus on building longer-term tangible rewards.
Weekly rewards
As this child tastes the sweetness of success, slowly move toward a weekly reward system. These rewards should be inexpensive, valuable to this child, and connection-building for your relationship. Many families find their prizes at the local dollar store. Kids love filling a “treasure box” with things they get to choose. Meaningful rewards could include connection time like an ice cream date or an extra Family Game Night. Regardless of the child’s age, figure out what sparks their motivation to succeed and focus on those as rewards.
5. Make a list of future behavior goals and “bigger” rewards.
As your grandchild feels successful and more self-motivated, get their input on other positive changes they’d like to make. Their growing self-awareness and self-confidence help them identify where they might need help choosing healthier behaviors. As they get a taste for success, they will be up for more challenging changes, so the rewards should be more significant also.
6. Be patient and flexible with the process.
Talk with the child about how hard it can be to learn new behaviors:
“Change takes time for everyone! Learning to make better choices when we are frustrated or stressed means listening to what is going on inside of us. I’m with you and trying to learn how to help you grow.”
Expect some wrinkles in the process. Offer this child compassion and plenty of opportunities to try it again. Model self-compassion and patience – maybe you could be candid with the child about one of your behaviors you’d like to change.
Try new versions or different ways to approach the goals. If the first couple of versions of your chart need to be tweaked to suit this child, explore together what is not working. Re-working it together and discussing second chances, flexibility, and learning curves are excellent coping skills for facing future challenges!
Change is Hard but Can Also Be Rewarding!
Seeing your grandchild’s behavior change will be very rewarding for you both. Even when change takes a long time to take root, the experiences you and this child share can build life skills that they will need long after they leave your home.