All kids tell lies or take something that doesn’t belong to them at some point in their childhood. But some children lie and steal often! As their caregiver, it’s stressful to live with these behaviors. You worry about the future and you want the behaviors to stop NOW. It’s helpful to understand the reasons behind the lying and stealing so you can come up with a plan to address the problems appropriately.
Why Do Kids Lie and Steal?
Lying and stealing are a part of normal child development. At young ages children don’t recognize truth versus fantasy. They also don’t appreciate the importance of ownership. As they age, they may still lie or steal occasionally to test the waters and see what they can get away with. There are other reasons kids lie and steal including the following:
1. They might be trying to get a reaction or your attention.
2. They may be afraid of what will happen if they tell the truth. How will you react? How have the adults in their life reacted in the past?
3. Finally, there are children who lie or steal because they believe they are bad. Lying and stealing is expected of them. They may be testing you to see if you will enforce your moral code. This child might also lie to see if you care enough about them to react to their behavior.
Prenatal Exposure and Compulsive Lying and Stealing
Some children seem to lie or steal almost compulsively. These behaviors continue well past the time that the child should grow out of it. If you feel this is the case with your grandchild, you might want to consider whether this child was prenatally exposed to alcohol or drugs. One of the signs of a child’s exposure to alcohol or drugs in pregnancy is lying and stealing or taking things that do not belong to them.
When a pregnant woman drinks alcohol or takes drugs, it can change the baby’s brain development. These brain changes can make it more likely that the child will struggle with telling the truth or stealing. The brain changes caused by prenatal exposure can contribute to lying and stealing in the following ways:
1. Slow Processing Speed
Your grandchild may need longer to think, form a response, and answer questions. The child might say anything, whether it’s true or not, to get the questioning to stop. This “lie” is actually a protective response that allows their brain time to catch up.
2. Impulsivity
When asked what happened, this child might say the first thing that pops into their head. The first thing they say may not be the truth. But that impulse to speak what they thought is stronger than their ability to slow down and think. The same is true for taking things that don’t belong to them. If the child sees something they want, they may immediately take it without thinking first.
3. Memory Deficits
Your grandchild truly may not remember what happened in a situation. They then fill in the blanks with something that kind of makes sense to them. We all do this from time to time. For example, have you ever sung the words to a popular song only to later discover your words were wrong? Maybe you misheard the words and your mind filled in the blanks with something that kind of made sense. With time, you may become convinced you’re correct, even if what you’re remembering is untrue.
As another example, ask two grown siblings to tell you the same story about their childhood. It’s likely you’ll get two different versions of the experience. Are they lying? Not necessarily. Our minds don’t always accurately remember events. With this in mind, you should try to offer this child the same grace for memory deficits that you’d like for yourself.
4. Issues with Executive Functioning
Executive functioning is how the brain organizes thoughts, carries out tasks, and learns other skills. Your grandchild may lack or be delayed in these skills if they were prenatally exposed. They may not understand cause and effect, or the consequences of lying or stealing. The idea of ownership can be hard to understand. Unless the child sees a person physically holding a belonging, they may think it’s up for grabs.
5. Reality vs. Fantasy
Some children also have trouble telling the difference between reality and fantasy. This is a developmental skill that needs time to develop. If your grandchild has experienced trauma or prenatal exposure, they may be delayed in this skill and tell you what they wish was true rather than what is true.
Strategies to Help Stop Lying and Stealing
1. Connect lovingly and affirm their worth.
Whatever the reasons your grandchild (or niece or nephew) tells “untruths,” or steals, try not to see it as a moral failure. Instead, separate the lying or stealing behavior from the child and affirm their basic goodness. It’s easier to have these difficult conversations when the child senses that you love them and can love and trust you in return.
2. Set boundaries and stay calm.
Clearly state that lying and stealing are not acceptable. When you talk to them after they’ve lied or stolen, keep your own emotions and reactions calm.
3. Investigate the backstory.
Try to find out what motivated the unacceptable behavior. Think about what the child gains from lying or stealing. Is there something they need but don’t know how to ask? What circumstances led up to the lying or stealing? What is the backstory and what does it tell you about their choices?
4. Give the child advance notice.
Try not to put the child in a position to lie by telling them you want to talk later about what happened. Assure them that you don’t want an answer right away, but you will talk soon about what happened. Encourage them to take their time to think before speaking. Ask simple, short, open-ended questions, like “what happened next?” Keep your questioning brief. Be sure to let the child know it’s also okay to say “I’m not sure,” or “I don’t know” at first.
When it’s possible, try narrating your observations rather than questioning the child. For example, “I noticed that the garage door was still open this morning. You probably forgot to shut it last night. We can be forgetful when we are tired.”
5. Offer “do-overs.”
Allow your grandchild a second chance to tell the truth. Teach the value of making things right with others. If they’ve stolen something, offer to help them make it right by returning the item, paying for it, and apologizing. When they do tell the truth or make amends, praise them!
6. Provide more presence and supervision.
If you know your grandchild steals, never let them go to a mall or store without an adult. Lock up or keep valuables out of sight in your home. If they frequently come home from school with others’ belongings, work with their teacher to create a plan to prevent it.
One tip is to label the child’s belongings with their name, initials, or a color. This will help teach them the idea of ownership. Each night, go through their backpack and matter-of-factly remove anything without their label. Have the child return it to the owner – you might need to help with this a few times.
Try to trace the patterns of when the child seems to tell lies. If you detect a trend, you can support the child by providing more supervision and observation during vulnerable or triggering times. Your presence also gives you a chance to catch them doing the right thing and then praise them for it.
7. Use books to learn lessons.
Telling stories or reading books about lying and stealing makes the issue feel less personal. (That’s why Aesop wrote his teaching fables about animals!)
- Lying Up a Storm is a children’s picture book about lying.
- Ricky Sticky Fingers is a children’s book about stealing.
- What Should Danny Do? is a book for elementary age kids that introduces a problem Danny is having followed by the opportunity for the reader to decide the best solution.
- What Do You Stand For? is a practical, interactive guide to building character for teens. It invites the reader to explore and practice honesty and other positive character traits.
Understand the Connections Between Behavior and Development
Experts tell us that lying often increases when a child is entering a new stage of development. These ages are typically around 5-6 years old, again around 9-10 years old, and lastly, during the mid-teen years of ages 14-15. Your increased knowledge of typical childhood development and the common causes of lying and stealing can help you manage these challenging behaviors. Increasing your supervision and presence during these key ages can also help.
To learn more, read these articles about lying and stealing: Lying and Stealing in Adopted Children and Teens with ADHD and Lying.