When you are a grandparent suddenly raising your grandchildren, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the changes and needs you must consider. You might also be an aunt or family friend raising young children from your extended family or tribal community. Many factors can make this a hard row to hoe at this stage of life, but there are several things you can do to set yourself up for success together.
5 Tips to Help Grandparents Raising Grandchildren
1. Educate yourself about raising grandchildren.
If these children came to your home through the foster system, work with the caseworker to learn as much as possible. You may already know a lot about their life before they came to you, but you might learn more by talking with the caseworker. You should also ask questions about what their parents must do to get their children back.
The foster care system is also a great source of information on raising this child that likely experienced a rough beginning in life. Consider asking the caseworker for resources for further educating yourself:
- Foster or kinship parent training available through the agency?
- Foster or kinship support groups?
- Book or podcast recommendations on trauma, neglect, prenatal exposure, and attachment?
- School issues for foster or kinship kids?
Parenting is likely very different now than when you were raising your kids. It’s a lot to keep up with, and educating yourself will be easier if you do it with others. For grandparents raising grandchildren after being out of the “parenting game” for a while, it’s also essential to learn what resources and supports are available for families with kids the same ages as your grandchildren.
If these kids came to you through informal connections (not through the foster system), reach out to the local community centers or school districts to ask about support for kinship families. You can also try speaking with the tribal leaders, clergy, or spiritual laypeople in your neighborhood for the resources they’ve discovered.
2. Find your “someone.”
Gather friends and family around you.
You might not have planned to raise grandchildren (or cousins or friends’ kids) at this stage of life. Working through your new reality means you need a safe friend or relative to help you process your thoughts and feelings. If your grandkids are struggling with all the changes, you need a trustworthy, experienced sounding board to help you help them. Find safe friends who can practically support you with occasional meals, childcare, and breaks to refresh you. Connect one of them to the child you are raising, as a mentor or a safe place for the child.
Join a group of folks who get it.
In-person and online support groups are also valuable tools in building your village. They serve different but equally significant purposes. There is tremendous value in gathering with others who are walking the same path you are walking. They “get it.” Belonging to a group, whether in-person or online, helps buffer you against the isolation from being back in the child-rearing season of life.
3. Take care of yourself while raising grandchildren.
The need to make self-care a priority is closely related to building a network of support for yourself. These kids need you to be at your best to help them navigate the challenges they’ve experienced. To help them heal and thrive, you must be healthy, too.
Find what feeds your spirit, separate from running your home and raising these kids. Schedule it for yourself like you would an important work or school appointment. Get away for a hike, find a book club, take up gardening, or attend regular spiritual ceremonies. Keeping yourself at the top of your “To Do” list isn’t selfish. You are prioritizing your mental, emotional, and physical health to be your best for these precious grandkids who need you.
There’s more information on self-care in the article on this site, “Making Self-Care a Routine.”
4. Keep communication open and honest.
This tip might be harder to implement, especially if the children’s parents are close relatives or your child. It’s easy to let your previous relationship with them cloud your new role. However, to protect your mental and emotional health – and the children’s – try to create new ways to communicate with these kids’ parents.
With the child’s parents:
Be open, honest, and straightforward when interacting with the children’s parents. If relationships are challenging with the parents, it might help to seek the advice of a counselor, clergyperson, or spiritual leader in your tribal community. You can also check out these resources for ideas to help you improve communication:
- Helping Family Visits Go Well
- Common Challenges in Kinship Care and How to Overcome Them
- Kinship Caregiving: Managing Relationships with the Child’s Parents
With the child’s school:
Keep the channels of communication open with the kids’ educational team. You will all need to work together to help the children succeed in school. Many kids who have experienced the losses your grandkids face tend to struggle in school. When you keep the school informed of how things are going at home, you can open conversations about how to help them deal with the impacts that crop up in school.
If you have difficulty communicating with the school, contact a local caseworker or guidance counselor for help.
5. Have fun together!
One of the most important things to remember is that these kids need the joy and simplicity of childhood restored. Find the things that make you laugh together. Take time to relax and unwind together. Take up hobbies or activities that will help you forge attachments. There will be tremendous healing for you all in reveling in the child-like joy and wonder again.
Having fun together might look different for you now than when you were raising your children for the first time. When you learn what makes these kids tick, you can engage with them in what interests them. Exploring things with them that are fun and exciting tells them you value them and their interests. You might make some humorous memories together or discover a new hobby too!