We all have a built-in alarm system that helps us know when threats of harm are present. Kids who have experienced loss, abuse, or trauma have an alarm system that is always on high alert. When their internal alarms are triggered, they often behave in challenging ways, such as tantrums, rages, running away, and other unacceptable behaviors. These alarms are wired into their brain after many experiences that were unsafe, painful, and chaotic. When you are raising a loved one’s child impacted by trauma, you must find ways to help this child re-wire that internal alarm system so they can learn healthy regulated ways to interact with the world around them.
How to Teach a Child to Regulate Their Internal Alarms
1. Lead by calm example.
As with so many issues of helping kids heal from trauma, supporting them starts with you. A child who sees a caregiver handling stressful life experiences consistently and appropriately will begin to learn how to manage the alarm system in their brain.
Think of it this way:
How do you react when a car alarm suddenly goes off in a covered parking lot? It’s jarring, for sure. But you have enough life experience to know that this blaring, startling noise does not mean your safety is at risk right now. You can take a deep breath and continue searching for your car in the lot, even if your heart still races from the shocking noise.
This reaction is similar to when your grandchild’s internal alarms go off. You have an immediate response to their alarm behaviors. It can be dysregulating and stressful, right? However, if you can model a measured, calm response, you can help regulate their system. They will feel safe because you’ve communicated and shown safety.
2. Teach replacement strategies.
It’s not enough to tell a child to stop screaming. You cannot only repeat, “You are safe, it’s okay, I’ve got you!” A child responding to their internal alarms needs need new strategies. You must help them learn tools to replace the alarm-driven behaviors that are familiar to them. Remember, the responses to their alarm system are not conscious choices they are making.
For example, consider how your grandchild’s all-out raging meltdown when asked to put the electronics away before bed could be a survival response. This child’s alarm system has learned from repeated experiences that bedtime is not always safe. Before joining your home, nighttime meant hunger, scary dark shadows, abuse, or a host of other heart-breaking experiences. Their internal alarm system is doing its job: trying to protect the child from further harm.
Instead of yelling back at this child, think about how to help their brain reset its alarm system with new messages. How can you teach them new, regulated actions? These are a few common strategies to get you started:
- Breathing exercises
- Mindfulness or meditation
- Physical activity like a trampoline
- Calm-down or fidget toys
- Journaling or singing
Observe their challenging behaviors and discuss ideas to reset them to a regulated emotional state. Preventatively planning and practicing these strategies when your grandchild is calm allows you to reach their thinking brain. The thinking center of their brain is where actual change can be implemented once the alarm system is reset. Remember, a safe brain is a learning brain.
3. Do a “post-game analysis.”
It can also be helpful to talk through challenging behaviors after the child is feeling calm again. Tell the child what you noticed about their behaviors and emotions and what led to the alarm-driven responses. However, keep the conversation aimed at behavior and events, not the child’s character or sense of self. Be sure they know this is a judgment- and shame-free zone. Ask them what they felt and saw in the experience. Help them label the emotions if they don’t have the words.
Then, talk about what regulating strategies could have come in handy and what they can try the next time. Review your list of ideas and get their buy-in about ideas to try.
3. Narrate your strategies.
Adults usually have a history of strategies they use to self-regulate. Discuss your successful and unsuccessful self-regulation methods, even if you feel awkward or vulnerable. When you are faced with a moment of high anxiety, talk out loud in front of your nephew or cousin about how you are handling it. You could even pause to ask them what they might try next or how they might feel if this happened to them.
When you let them see your own process – even when you don’t do it perfectly – this child will feel that you are genuinely “with them.” Their internal alarm system can be regulated by the trust and safety built between you.
4. Be a student of this child.
Kids impacted by trauma might offer you their worst – especially when they are new to your home. They want to see that you can handle their big emotions and behaviors. They need to know you can hold space for the most challenging internal alarms they cannot manage alone.
You may feel as if they are constantly responding to all the alarms in their brains all the time. And that might be how they think, too.
Take time to learn this child:
- What do they love? What brings them joy?
- What scares them? What angers them?
- When do you see their hearts most open?
- How do they push boundaries or exert independence?
- Why do they push limits? Do they need to experience reliability and consistency? Is it because they don’t know what appropriate boundaries are?
5. Know your triggers.
It may take some self-work, but it will be helpful to understand what triggers your alarm system. Our kids who live in a regular state of alarm can and will trip our triggers – intentionally and unknowingly. We must recognize our triggers and how we feel when triggered. It will help to choose to remember their state of dysregulated alarm is not about us. You can learn more about triggers in the article “How to Avoid Triggering and Being Triggered by Your Grandchild.”
When a child intentionally pokes at your triggers, they usually do it from their internal state of heightened alarm. Take a moment to reset yourself. Their blaring alarms are not a reflection of your care for them.
Take Good Care of Yourself
Self-care is a necessary tool of self-regulation that you should consider for the sake of your whole household. Self-care often gets minimized as a luxury or selfish pampering. However, it’s also necessary to consider how you refuel and refresh yourself. After all, raising a loved one’s child – especially one who is struggling with challenging behaviors – is exhausting, draining work. You must care for your whole person to keep caring for your loved ones.
Think of self-care as a continuum of moments of joy, ranging up to the more significant and nourishing resets that give you the impetus to keep going. Self-care can look like any of these things:
- A meal-planning app
- Hiring laundry or yard help
- Reading in bed
- Regular doctor or therapist appointments
- Attending conferences around your hobby
- Taking a class in creative writing, yoga, or spinning
- Knitting after dinner every night
The goal is to find what feeds your soul and refuels you to tackle another day. You and your whole family will benefit when you fill your tank.
**You can find other effective strategies for regulating a child’s alarm system in the articles on this site called “Balancing Structure and Nurture When Raising Your Grandchild” and “4 Ideas for Handling Challenging Behaviors.”