When raising a loved one who experienced loss, chaos, or prenatal substance exposure, you see first-hand how they struggle to manage their reactions to daily frustrations or disappointments. Their short fuse creates stress and anxiety in your home. You’ve wondered how to help them hang in there and not give up quickly, and you want to help them deal with their fears. Cultivating resilience can be challenging when you are living with high levels of frustration (theirs and yours).
Practical Ways to Cultivate Resilience in Your Home
It’s a tremendous job to run a busy home when you are raising a grandchild or nephew. Your calendar includes school, extra-curricular activities, therapy appointments, and social or community events. You are an adult, and you feel overwhelmed by it all! It makes sense that the kids in your home, who have less life experience and fewer coping skills, feel dysregulated and overwhelmed.
How can you help your grandchildren “bounce forward” and overcome their traumatic history? You can create healthy habits to cultivate resilience and help your grandkids learn coping skills.
1. Check in on yourself.
It won’t surprise you to hear this, but much of what you do to raise these kids well starts with you and your ability to be in tune with your internal state. Several times a day, when you can stop for a moment, take stock of how you are feeling. A few examples of this type of check-in include:
- How am I feeling about Johnny’s full schedule today?
- Am I feeling well-rested/hydrated/nourished, etc., this morning?
- Are my partner and I in tune with each other today?
- Do I feel open and connected to my grandchild right now? If not, what will restore that?
Once you’ve checked in on your internal condition, consider what you can do to return yourself to a state of regulation:
- Do I need ten minutes to get off my feet and “be?”
- Would a protein bar or glass of water settle my stomach and brain?
Figure out what you need to return to a calm state and do it. You can also narrate this process for your grandchildren and model healthy self-regulation and care. Consider inviting them to join you in your regulation process.
2. Plan regular downtime.
When kids have experienced trauma, chaos, or loss, they often operate from a constant state of hypervigilance. Their brains are always “on guard.” This is exhausting for anyone, but kids need to be taught how to lay all that down and rest. Teach them to quiet their minds and bodies by scheduling regular quiet times into your family’s routines.
Take daily short bursts of rest.
You can do short downtime sessions daily, like 20 minutes before dinner. Each of you takes time to read, meditate, walk, or stretch. If you care for young grandchildren, offer them quiet screentime or playtime while you rest.
Schedule longer stretches of downtime.
Be sure also to include longer, more intentional weekly downtime. For some families, that means screen-free Sunday afternoons where you unplug, nap, read, or rest. Other families might schedule “Lazy Saturdays,” where everyone sleeps in or watches movies in pajamas before running weekly errands or doing yard work. Family day trips or vacations are also excellent intentional breaks to consider. Write it on the wall calendar or make picture schedules to reinforce the value of rest you want to teach your family.
Learn what rest means.
Each of you might use your time differently, and that’s okay. The point is to block time off to learn what refreshes you. Pulling back from life to refill their mental and emotional reserves is necessary to develop resilience.
3. Practice patience, tolerance, and forgiveness.
As a family, have conversations about improving how you interact with each other. You can brainstorm family rules or a mission statement to post on the fridge. Some families create a little mantra that reminds them of their core values. Most importantly, model patience and grace with your family so they can see your resilience in daily experiences.
Calmly handling your grandchild’s stress and anxiety can communicate safety and trust. Children that feel safe can learn from your confident, calm responses. Over time, you are repairing their experiences and sharing your core values. These repeated actions build up your grandchildren’s trust. Small, intentional doses of repair and regulation will replace unhealthy or unhelpful coping skills. All these acts combine to build their resilience and let them heal.
4. Practice these three healthy habits to support resilience.
Prioritize sleep.
It’s almost impossible to over-emphasize the importance of healthy sleep habits. Learning the skills for resilience and regulation is much easier when bodies and brains are rested. Because the quality of sleep undergirds so many other brain and body functions, make every effort to develop consistent, peaceful bedtimes and waking times for your family.
Establish a bedtime routine focusing on connection and feeling safe for your grandchild. They might need support like soothing music, white noise, or a night light to feel safe. Empower them to find the most calming music, stuffed animals, and blankets to help them feel settled.
When you wake them, be gentle and calm, especially if mornings are hard for them. Give them plenty of time to follow the morning routine without nagging or yelling. Try a picture schedule or checklist to help them track their activity.
Start slowly if your family still needs to set up regular bedtimes and wake-up routines. Be patient while they get on board. Once they start feeling well-rested, adjusting their habits is more manageable. The goal is to ensure everyone gets the sleep they need to be healthy.
Eat well.
Providing healthy, nutritious meals and time to eat them together can take time and effort.
However, eating well is about more than just the food you put on the table. It should also be a time of calm, safe connections. Use your meal prep and time at the table to talk about your day. Ask about everyone’s successes, what failures they faced, and how to try again tomorrow. These conversations teach self-awareness, empathy, problem-solving, and many other life skills crucial to building resilience.
Be active.
Physical activity is an excellent regulating tool. You can try walking, traditional tribal dance classes, biking, or hiking in local parks. Use your exercise times to build connections and trust. You can use the time to help your nephew or niece feel heard and recharge their moods too. When you do some physical activity at moments of your own peak frustration, you are modeling how to regulate in healthy and positive ways.
5. Schedule regular family fun!
Find one or two activities your family enjoys and write them into the calendar. Playing together diffuses tension, increases felt safety, and builds unity. When you focus on connection and not competition, your grandkids learn how to lose a game and navigate frustration with your support and compassion.
Family fun tells your nieces and nephews, “We are in this together,” and “Family is a safe place to land.” Laughing together and enjoying each other is like the glue that holds you together.
Be Flexible in Your Expectations
When raising a loved one who has experienced trauma, lowering your expectations for trying out all these new habits is crucial. For example, if your grandchild struggles with challenging behaviors, prioritize what you must do to survive this season. Streamline your calendar down to the most necessary events. Consider what parts of these habits will help set you and your grandchild up for success. Difficult seasons are not the times to try to be a “Super Grandparent.” Instead, these are the times to help each other feel successful every day, no matter how small the task. Giving your family the grace and compassion of flexible expectations – even for short periods to cope – is its own act of resilience.