Raising a child with challenging behaviors like lying, stealing, tantrums, or defiance can be exhausting and frustrating. When their actions stress you, it’s hard to manage your emotions and theirs, too. It’s easy to slip into the cycle of the child triggering you and your response triggering the child. The cycle feels like a continuous loop that cannot be broken.
What is the Priority?
Siblings squabble. Kids whine for snacks at inconvenient times. Legos, hoodies, and sneakers are in piles around the family room, even after you asked (not so calmly) for a clean-up six times! These small annoying behaviors are part of raising kids. However, they can add up quickly to trigger immense frustration inside us.
Adults tend to forget that a child’s challenging behaviors (whining, lying, raging, etc.) are often triggered by significant pain or fear. These behaviors are unhealthy ways of expressing their needs. Your grandchild needs your help to find other ways to express fear or discomfort.
To help you narrow down what your grandchild needs and how to ask for help, try to name your priorities for this child. In a podcast interview, Dr. Tripp Ake from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network suggested asking this question to focus on the priority for adults to help kids handle triggering behaviors:
“How can I improve my child’s behavior while also making sure my child feels seen, cherished, and safe in my care?”
Asking the question to practice a pause.
When you feel anxious and overwhelmed by this child’s behaviors, pause to ask yourself this question. Pausing is a valuable tool to help you regulate your emotions and thoughts about this child’s challenging behaviors.
Ask yourself this question first during calm, quiet moments to get familiar with the self-reflection. Take stock of how the pause feels in your mind and body. Practicing this pause in calm moments prepares you for the moments when your grandchild’s behaviors are frustrating to you.
This question also prompts a focus on what you can do to increase trust between you and your grandchild. Children need to feel safe and understood in order to learn and grow.
2 Tips to Avoid Triggering and Being Triggered
These two essential tips will help you help your grandchild to change their behavior and keep supporting that change as it develops. We say “develops” because changing behavior requires plenty of repetition, support, and second chances to grow new brain patterns and healthier habits.
Tip #1: Praise up the behaviors you want.
To help this child understand which behaviors you want more of, search for the seeds that already appear in their behaviors. Go out of your way to notice the positive – even if it’s only a tiny part of the behavior you want to see. Even if you feel like you are focusing on the slightest thing, give targeted positive attention to that little sprout.
Practical ways to praise the positives.
- Be specific. “Johnny, I loved the polite greeting you gave Mrs. Hall when you dropped her package off at her door.”
- There’s no such thing as praising your child too much. Shoot for a goal of 6 praises per one correction daily.
- Call out any progress you see. “Sally, you handled your frustration very well while you cleaned the playroom with your brother. I see you working hard to stay calm when you think he’s not working as hard as you are.”
- Model the positive behaviors. For example, tell your grandchild that you need to take some time to calm down before you talk about the gum she took without asking.
- Narrate their behaviors when you see them using the tools you’ve been teaching. “I see you working hard to take a deep breath before answering your brother. I love that you are practicing how to calm yourself. Thank you. Now how can I help?”
- Talk about your goals for this child’s behavior. Define and break it down into steps they can quickly achieve to experience success.
- Use positive affirmations. “I see how hard you are working to control angry words and ask nicely for what you need. You counted to ten three times today and I know it was not easy! I’m proud of you.”
Tip #2: Ignore what you can.
Creating positive connections and drawing attention to new, healthier behaviors can leave room to ignore other behaviors you can release. The saying, “don’t sweat the small stuff,” is a good one to keep repeating to yourself. Trust that the positives you focus on will increase, and let the rest go.
Practical ways to ignore what you can.
It’s not easy, though, to just let some of that stuff go. How do you ignore challenging behaviors? Which behaviors do you ignore? If safety is not an issue, you can often overlook problematic behaviors.
Here are a few suggestions to help you choose what to ignore and how:
- Observe this child’s interactions. Where can you “stop the cycle?” Look for points where you can interrupt bickering between siblings before they blow up at each other. You should stick close to the kids for a few days while you learn the triggers of their challenging behaviors. You will eventually figure out what contributes to annoying squabbles.
- Overlook annoying behaviors or re-direct the child. For example, does this child fill quiet spaces with chatter and questions? They may be looking for a connection. Calmly answer one or two of their questions to affirm that you are present and listening. Then occupy yourself with another activity, in another room if you can, before your annoyance gives way to a negative response.
- Don’t give negative attention to undesirable behaviors. Remember, even negative attention is a payoff for a child. When challenging behaviors arise, give the child a moment to collect themselves and try again in a healthier way.
- Consider the timing of the child’s behavior. Are they hungry or dehydrated? Undesirable behaviors are magnified when kids are not well-fueled. Meet the need without attending to the behavior. “Here’s a cheese stick and a glass of ice water. I think you must be feeling empty right now.”
- Even when negative behavior occurs, pick a positive action to spotlight. For example, “I can tell you are feeling anxious right now. Great job using your words to ask for a snack. Thank you.”
- Ask yourself, “Is this childish or willful behavior?” Try to let childishness run its course. Kids who have experienced trauma or loss will often act younger than their actual age. Be gracious with them, especially in the heat of the moment.
Set a Path to New Behaviors
Your grandchild needs to know that they can trust you to lead them to learn new habits and behaviors. Their challenging behaviors often feel scary when they lose control or are stressed by what they feel inside.
Seek healing for yourself.
When helping lead a child toward healing, consider how to seek your own recovery. It will help you to ask why this child’s behaviors trigger you. When you show you are willing to improve, their trust in you will increase. You can serve your family’s health by pursuing your own and modeling how to develop new healthy behaviors.
Sometimes caregivers need help to find healing. Consider talking to a tribal faith leader, counselor, or social worker for the resources to help you.
Establish a habit of self-care.
A significant part of helping your grandchild heal is regular self-care. Engage in activities that fill you with joy. Refueling yourself brings a fresh perspective to raising your loved one.
Self-care also gives your family a model for seeing their worth and choosing to nurture it. That message can be a powerful tool for your grandchild to learn that you deeply value them. Feeling cherished and valued can then set the stage for helping them learn new behaviors.
For additional information on managing stress with your grandchild, consider this video and related resources at the link.