Raising a grandchild or other loved one with prenatal exposure to alcohol or drugs can be a frustrating and overwhelming challenge. You might be biased, but your grandchild has incredible strengths and talents. However, figuring out how to unlock those and set this precious child on a path to succeed feels like an impossible ideal. How can you adapt your parenting style to meet the needs of your grandchild with prenatal substance exposure?
Shift Your Mindset
Suppose you are an experienced parent or family member who has raised other children. In that case, you know that most parenting challenges start with you. Shifting your parenting to best meet the child’s needs in your home begins with intentionally considering your parenting mindsets.
1. Engage in Self-Reflection
You can begin by carefully reflecting on the parenting style with which you were raised. If you were raised in a laid-back, understanding, or emotionally attuned home, this shift might not be big for you.
However, many adults raised with authoritative or disconnected parenting models might find this shift more challenging. The more traditional parenting perspectives, such as immediate and unquestioned obedience or kids who are “seen and not heard,” will very likely clash with the realities of how to raise a child who was exposed to drugs and alcohol during pregnancy.
Regardless of how you were raised or how you’ve parented before, you can still thoughtfully reflect on what was challenging and what might be helpful to raising this grandchild or loved one.
Consider how to open yourself to the idea that some of those practices might work for your child’s unique challenges. And that some might not work.
2. Adopt a Can’t vs. Won’t Mentality
The next step in shifting your parenting mindset to meet the needs of a child with prenatal substance exposure is to think about where you are assuming disobedience or opposition from your child. Are you thinking of this as a “won’t” instead of a “can’t?” Have you entertained that it might be a case of “not ready yet?”
Shifting from “won’t” to “can’t” takes your grandchild’s responses out of the realm of intentional disobedience and helps you stop assigning rebellion or defiance to their motives. This shift can open you up to a clear assessment of their abilities and skills as they are right now. You are choosing instead to slow down and think about what your grandchild is capable of and what they need to develop. This internal shift will also lead to lowering your expectations because you’ve more realistically assessed your grandchild’s capabilities.
Implement These Practical Tips
Once you have reflected on how to adapt your mindset to the needs of your grandchild, there are several practical things you can do to set them up for success. You might even find more joy and satisfaction in your parenting skills as you meet them where they are.
1. Observe and identify.
Take a beat or two to name the emotions and gut reactions you feel when you need to correct your grandchild or when you struggle to understand what they are expressing.
2. Question yourself.
When your nephew or grandchild struggles to accomplish a task or do something you’ve requested, ask yourself these questions to help you define their abilities and hold realistic expectations of them:
- What skill does their brain or body need so they can accomplish this task?
- Has their brain or body reached this skill level yet?
- If their brain or body is not (yet) able to do this, how can I adjust what I am asking them to do?
For example, if you are asking them to take out the trash every Wednesday, ask yourself a few questions:
- Is my grandchild strong enough to lift the garbage bag and carry it to the collection bin?
- Does he have the finger and hand dexterity skills to tie the bag to avoid spilling it?
- Can he still accomplish the task if I take the bag out and tie it off for him?
3. Be a student of your grandchild.
Build a relationship with your grandchild or niece by investing the time and effort to learn what they love, what interests them, and what their strengths are. Create opportunities for them to try out new activities that spark their interest. Learn what makes them feel confident, and then expose them to additional opportunities where they can shine.
The experience of success will spark interest in additional wins, including skills they need to function in your home. Incorporate space in your daily routines for this child to continue to experience success and build their skills.
4. Prioritize routine.
Children with prenatal substance exposure thrive in a structured, predictable routine. Their brains feel safe and open to new skills and growth within the structure of an organized lifestyle. Think of it like scaffolding on a building that is under construction.
Here are a few ways to provide that external scaffolding:
- Create visible schedules – use pictures when the child cannot yet read and add words as reading skills develop.
- Offer checklists for multi-step tasks – this fosters independence and teaches them how to use organizational tools like lists.
- As they grow, ask for their input on what supports them best. Invite them to create tools together to meet those needs.
5. Take the long view.
Be prepared to offer these practical tools for as long your grandchild lives with you – even into adulthood. Be ready to repeat your instructions for using the support you offer them. One of the challenges of prenatal exposure is difficulty retaining information and applying it to various situations.
As this child grows, talk about what additional resources they might appreciate. Ask yourself how to make tasks more concrete (vs. abstract) and how your tools help. Recognize that you will likely have to repeat yourself often, especially when trying a new method. This way, you’ve had time to try a few out before they leave your home or launch into adulthood.
6. Build up your tool kit.
As this child grows under your care, look for resources to make real-life issues more concrete. Build your library of tools to help this child learn what works for them and feel that sense of ownership. Be patient in gathering these resources – “trial and error” is often the only way to determine what works.
Here are a few tools to consider for your toolbox:
- A cash envelope system for budgeting vs. an abstract debit card.
- Timers that show the passage of time and develop time awareness.
- Picture schedules of your typical day with artwork your child creates.
- Chore lists and tracker apps for older kids to manage time and tasks.
- Manipulatives (like puppets, building tools, etc.) for role-playing life lessons.
- Books and movies for their developmental age help explain real-life experiences.
7. Less is More!
Finally, when raising a child exposed during pregnancy to alcohol or drugs, remember to keep verbal instructions short and sweet. Use fewer words and more visual cues. Kids with prenatal substance exposure often struggle to process several steps sequentially. Your verbal directives come at them faster than their brains can move. When you slow down, offer it in writing, and give them time to process and check a list, you set them up for success.