Raising your grandchild, nephew, or cousin is not for the faint of heart! While this experience can be one of the most rewarding things you ever do, it might also be one of the most challenging journeys ever! Welcoming and raising an older child to your home – especially if it’s been a while since you had a young person in your home – needs additional intention and education to support you all well.
Defining “Older Child”
Before we launch into practical tips for raising an older child, defining the terms is helpful. When we say “older child,” in this context, we mean kids who come to your home around six years old and older. Children younger than this age range typically have different needs and issues to consider. You can learn more about the needs and practical tips for raising a variety of ages on this site, in articles like “Balancing Structure and Nurture When Raising Your Grandchild” or “6 Practical Ways to Encourage Attachment with Your Grandchild.”
Practical Tips for Raising Older Grandchildren
These practical parenting tips will help you better understand how to form a connection with your older grandchildren or other loved ones. These tips can also help parenting this older child be more fun and less challenging for your whole family.
1. Line up therapy or other emotional support proactively.
It will help if you assume that your grandchild will benefit from therapy or counseling to process the events that led to them joining your household. Research has shown that early intervention with professional services is the most effective for addressing challenging behaviors. So, set up therapy or counseling as soon as you can. You can consult a therapist, school guidance counselor, or faith leader in your community for help to find the right resource. You might also find this resource page beneficial.
2. Put support in place.
Communicate with your closest friends and family about tangible things they can do to support you – especially during this child’s transition into your home. Think about things they can do to help you focus on this new child in the early days. These practical supports are even more critical if you are welcoming several grandchildren at once:
- Laundry
- Yard work
- Housecleaning
- Grocery trips
- Rides to events for other kids in your home
Once you all get into a regular rhythm of life, you might not feel as if you still need this type of help. Though, we recommend you accept it if it’s offered! These are practical ways your other loved ones can help you raise this child well.
You might also appreciate a support network of other caregivers with similar experiences. Try to find an in-person or online kinship caregiver group as soon as you know this child will be coming to live with you. Contact your tribal leaders or the school’s guidance team for information to help you find the right fit.
3. Take a positive approach.
When raising an older child who has experienced loss, chaos, or other trauma, try to focus on building connections and creating felt safety. Try to use positive parenting techniques to help you effectively guide this tween or teen to healing. Your efforts should create attachment by rewarding positive behaviors rather than punishing negative ones.
Positive, attachment-focused parenting might be a significant shift in style for your home. To learn more about trauma-informed parenting that supports a child to heal, consider these resources:
- Beginner’s Guide to TBRI™
- How Trauma Impacts a Child’s Development
- Parenting the Challenging Child While Maintaining Attachment
4. Be flexible.
Your older grandchild or other loved one is coming to your home with many life experiences already under their belt. Their personalities and temperaments are well on the way to being formed, as are their tastes and preferences. It will help to experiment to find what works best to build openness and connection between you.
If you observe that something isn’t working between you, be willing and flexible to try something else. Being open to new ideas can be challenging for a hurting child. You can model life skills like flexibility, adaptability, and openness when you adjust to their needs quickly and make them feel safe while you do.
5. Laugh together.
Having fun together is an effective “glue” that can hold you together even in the most challenging situations. Keep things light and try to maintain your sense of humor without sacrificing your values of respect or honor. Try to find something funny to laugh about together every day. After all, when life throws a wrench into your day, sometimes all you can do is laugh. You are modeling excellent coping skills and resilience for this child when you can laugh together.
6. Keep Learning!
Raising older grandchildren works best when you stay open and willing to learn what they need and how to meet those needs. For example, it’s common for grandparents to feel overwhelmed by how to manage technology and social media. Find resources that answer your questions, help you keep learning, and give you skills to navigate these new experiences. These organizations are recommended for grandparents and other relatives raising children:
Setting Yourselves Up for Success
Welcoming and raising an older grandchild or other loved one is a great way to support your extended family and help this child find safety and healing. When you remember that they have endured challenging life experiences before coming to you, you can prepare yourself to meet their needs. Trying these practical tips before, during, and after they join your household can set you up to thrive together.