The children who join your home because they cannot safely be raised by their parents, may have challenging behaviors that make it hard for you to feel connected to them. They might not feel like they can trust anyone right now, and that’s scary for kids of any age. These kids might also struggle to feel attached to you, even if you were already a regular part of their lives.
Their difficulty in attaching to you is not a reflection of you. Instead, it’s a sign of the trauma or loss they are wrestling with. They’ve had a lot of upheaval on the way to you, and it’s up to you to start the process of rebuilding trust and establishing their sense of safety in your care.
6 Practical Tips for Encouraging Attachment
There are several practical things you can do to encourage their sense of safety and healthy attachment between you to help them trust you.
1. Meet Their Needs.
It sounds simplistic and obvious. But your #1 goal in the earliest days together is to find out what this child needs and do your best to meet these needs. The best way to find out what they need is to ask. One child development specialist, Dr. Karyn Purvis, recommends using this exact language to help the child understand:
“I’m a sure thing. Tell me what you need.”
2. Say Yes.
It might feel difficult to understand how this works but try to say “yes” to your grandchild more than you say no. Every “yes” you can offer this child puts trust in their trust bank. Your goal should be to say 7 “yeses” to every 1 “no” that you must say. You may have to get creative and figure out how to turn a “no” into a “yes,” but the investment into their trust bank will be worth the effort!
3. Make Eye Contact.
Every chance you get, look this child in the eyes and gently encourage them to make eye contact with you as they can. Your eyes speak louder than your voice and can express so much love and warmth to your grandchild. Try to get on this child’s eye level when you talk to them, even if your knees creak and you grunt when you stand up. Be patient with the child if they cannot return eye contact. Keep lovingly offering your eyes in gentle and soft expressions.
4. Offer Physical Touch.
Touch your grandchild affectionately and as often as you sense them allowing it. Pay attention to their cues or reactions to recognize if they don’t appreciate or feel safe being touched. If this child resists touch, practice using “symbolic touch.” This is the act of reaching out to the child but stopping short of touching them. Some kids will feel empowered if you ask permission before you touch them.
5. Mirror Their Behavior.
It’s naturally occurring for parents and kids in healthy homes to match each other’s behaviors. For example, when an infant coos, the parent coos back. When a toddler laughs, the parent laughs too. These matching behaviors build trust and attachment between them. Your grandchild or nephew may have missed out on those matching moments.
While you have this child in your home, you can consistently and intentionally create opportunities that can boost security for the child. For example, when your grandchild is playing on the floor with cars and trucks, match their behavior by playing in the same manner alongside your child. Another example would be to join your grandchild on the couch when they watch a funny movie and laugh with them.
6. Follow The Child’s Lead.
Allow your grandchild to be the play leader for a specific period. Let them decide what you play and then match their attitude, posture, and type of play. Teach them how to use a timer and have them set it for 15 minutes. During that time, they have their undivided attention without laundry, the TV, or other distractions.
For example, if they are on the floor making racetracks for their cars and trucks, join them. Ask what shape they make the track and what pieces they need next. For your older grandchild or niece, consider asking them to teach you how to use their favorite social media platform or video game. Offering space for your grandchild to lead gives them a feeling of power and control, both crucial for forming trust and attachment.
Small Investments for Big Payoffs
When you choose to make these small changes in your behavior toward your grandchild, you are investing in them and telling them that you value their voice and participation in this relationship. The life skill of creating relationships will go with them beyond their time in your care. The payoff of increased trust and attachment between you can set the stage for future healthy attachments with other significant people, including their parents.