Trauma, abuse, loss, and grief all create a sense of instability or insecurity in children of any age. When a relative’s child comes to your home, you may notice several behaviors, like talking back, temper tantrums, or whining. It’s understandable that they are struggling, considering what they’ve experienced, but how do you address the behaviors now that they are safe in your home?
Handling Challenging Behaviors
Your goal is to build repeated positive, pleasant experiences between you and this child. Create the feeling that you are trustworthy and can handle all the hard things this child is feeling. You can intentionally reinforce the messages that you value this child and will be with them to help them overcome the challenging behaviors.
1. Draw Your Grandchild into Relationship
Kids who struggle with challenging behaviors are often seeking connection. They are not mature enough to ask with words, so their need comes out in whines, tantrums, or disrespect. They may have witnessed poor examples of relationships or unhealthy attention-seeking behavior. Their experiences taught them that any attention, even negative attention, is how to get their needs met.
When your grandchild is used to seeking attention through negative behaviors, they need help to relearn how to ask for connection. Start the process by spending time with them before they make their needs known by whining or demanding attention in rude ways.
Work on building repeated experiences of predictable, safe, and nurturing relationships. Give your grandchild options for how they can experience the pleasure of being together. Keep doing whatever works to help them welcome your connection with them.
The Real-Life Example
Your grandchild talks back in sassy, disrespectful tones. They act prickly and grudgingly respond with one-word answers or grunts. They are ignoring your efforts to model thoughtful conversations.
The next time you pick them up from school, stop for their favorite ice cream. While you are driving, ask them to pick the music. Ask why they like this music and tell them one or two things you enjoy about their choice.
Draw them in by keeping the conversation pleasant. Before you leave the car, thank them for hanging out with you. Ask if you can take them out again next week. Slowly build more one-to-one time into your routine, staying focused on being safe and predictable for this child. Make these moments pleasant and warm so they feel secure in your presence.
2. Fill Their Tank Before They Get Empty
What happens in the moments before the child tantrums or has other rude behaviors? Can you identify the triggers for the quick jump to maximum frustration, panicked meltdown, or yelling at everyone in sight? Think about these things:
- Are they well-rested? Are they having sleep issues?
- When did they last have a glass of water or a snack?
- Are you asking them to transition too quickly from one activity to another?
If you suspect their unpleasant behaviors are from an “empty tank,” provide regular snacks and drinks about every two to three hours to prevent crashes or running on empty. Prioritize healthy sleep (you can read more about that on this site). When kids are well-fueled, their brains can learn better.
Another type of fuel you can offer this child is a tank full of language that helps them express their feelings and needs. Keep their tanks filled by offering times to practice talking about their feelings before the meltdown occurs.
The Real-Life Example
Johnny is always late to preschool because he can’t break from his screen time without a major tantrum. Tonight, help him pack his snack and drink for the drive to preschool. Plan tomorrow’s breakfast together and set the table. While you work, talk through your morning routine step-by-step. Remind him again of the morning routine at bedtime.
After breakfast, ask him to set a timer for 15 minutes of screen time. When the first timer goes off, let him know he gets to ask for another 10-minute reminder. At that second alarm, he should turn off the device and put his shoes on.
When he has successfully navigated this transition, leave for preschool. Have him eat his snack and drink on the way. Repeat this routine consistently every day. Be generous with praises and high-fives for any progress. Offer plenty of re-do’s and second chances when he struggles.
3. Put Coins in the Meter
Repeated cycles of challenging behaviors can desensitize your nephew to the internal awareness of what triggers them. When he struggles to feel connected, he might become clingy or whiny. He may not understand that their behaviors come from a fear of being disconnected or left alone. When stress increases, behavior deteriorates.
“Put coins in their meter” by spending short spurts of focused time doing connecting activities with this child. In these moments, your attention is entirely on him, reinforcing connection and increasing his sense of safety. You deposit into his relationship meter with attachment, confidence, and security coins.
Then, when you must turn away to do other things, his internal meter starts ticking again. That’s when you see challenging behaviors increase again. Your goal is to return to them with full attention before his meter runs low again and triggers a meltdown.
The Real-Life Example
Many kids have their most challenging behaviors between school and dinner time. Prepare for that daily rough patch by prepping for the evening meal before they get home from school.
- Once your grandchild is home, provide a healthy snack and drink (filling their tanks).
- Spend 15 minutes talking about their day or reading a book together (drawing them into the relationship).
- Be fully present and focused on this child (depositing coins in their meter).
- Before you move to the next part of the afternoon, prepare them for transition.
Watch closely for how long their internal meter lasts before challenging behaviors occur. Stop your activity and give focused attention before the struggles begin. Be present and attentive to “add more coins” to their relationship meter.
- Ask them to wash the vegetables while you spin the salad.
- Help them set the table and have a dad-joke contest while you work.
Send them to start homework or play once a few more coins are in their internal meter.
4. Make Life Simple, Predictable, and Repeatable.
Child development expert Dr. Ross Greene says, “Kids do well if they can.” When you approach raising this child with this mindset, you can ask yourself these key questions:
- How am I helping this child overcome challenging behaviors?
- What skills does this child still need to manage struggles?
Give yourself more focused time and space to work with this child to overcome challenging behavior in these two practical ways:
Simplify your life.
Streamline the family calendar while you are working on challenging behaviors. You are creating a safe space to learn the skills your grandchild needs to change. Daily practice in a familiar routine will build their sense of success. A simplified lifestyle also helps you reserve the mental and emotional energy required to manage your grandchild’s big emotions while you learn together.
Make your routines predictable and repeatable.
A predictable routine allows you to observe and track this child’s triggers. Use what you see to focus on teaching them new skills for improved behavior. When this child feels safe and knows what comes next, they can trust you to help them learn. If your family still needs to have a structured and predictable routine, make it a priority to develop one.