You and the members of your family have significant changes ahead to consider. Your grandchildren (or nieces and nephews or siblings) are coming to live with you for a while because their parents cannot keep them safe right now. However, it’s critical to remember that these precious children may have experienced loss and chaos already, making their transition into your home more challenging.
If you already have kids living in your home, blending your grandchildren into the mix is hard work – but it can be done. It’s terrific for the kids when they can stay together with their siblings – that is one less loss they will have to face. It will tremendously help you and your partner or spouse if you can prepare for these kids with realistic expectations and open hearts and minds.
12 Tips for Welcoming Siblings to Your Family
1. Be patient.
Forming an attachment with each grandchild in the sibling unit will take time and effort. It would help if you planned to carve out individual time consistently with each of your grandchildren, especially in the early days and weeks of the new dynamic of living together. Be patient with yourself as you work out this new routine. Be patient with your grandchildren, as it might feel awkward and uncomfortable for them at first.
2. Recognize that demands on your time will change.
It is critical to spend this time with each child when they first come to live with you, but it will leave you feeling as if you have zero extra time to give. Tell yourself this is just a season. The new demands on your time will level out, and you will find a new normal.
3. Lower your expectations.
It will help if you try to be realistic about what you can get done in a day beyond meeting the needs of your grandchildren (and other kids in the family). For example, typically, you can get your vegetable garden weeded in one long day of work. You should now expect that to take several days of interrupted work time. Your new family dynamics and the demands on your time will be easier to manage if you can lower your expectations.
Again, this transition is a season, and your family will find their new normal. In the meantime, getting by with lower expectations at this stage is okay.
4. Get help from others.
As you and your grandchildren work through the newness of living together, try to line up support from friends and other family members. Consider getting their help on things you can easily hand off for a few weeks, such as:
- house cleaning
- laundry
- yard work
- stocking the freezer with meals
- grocery shopping
The goal is to focus your time and attention – in the earliest days of welcoming them into your home – on supporting your loved ones and taking care of yourself.
5. Seek professional help.
Neglect, abuse, or leaving home due to a parent’s addiction is traumatic for your grandchildren. They are lucky to have you and each other, but that might not be enough to help them process their big feelings about it all. As soon as you have information on the kids’ needs, line up counselors, therapists, or other similar professionals to support the children in coping with the hard things they’ve experienced.
You can seek information about these resources from your local school district, social workers in your community, or clergy and spiritual leaders in your tribe. You might also appreciate the information in this article about finding a therapist.
6. Expect your grandchildren’s behaviors to change.
Even if your grandchildren are used to being in and out of your house, moving in with you is quite different from visiting you. In addition to the change in living arrangements, they are grappling with the changing roles of all the adults involved. It can be confusing and scary – so give some grace for changing and challenging behaviors.
Your grandchildren might not be sure how they are supposed to act, and they may be uncomfortable asking. They will each have unique responses to these significant changes and need assurance that it’s okay to process in their own way.
7. Pay attention to the kids who already live with you.
Additionally, watch the children who already live in your home. Whether they are your kids or another relative, adding a group of siblings can be scary for them too. For example, cousins will now live in their space, almost like siblings. They might perceive the sibling grandchildren to be sticking together or unsure how to welcome them.
8. Brainstorm together.
Involve your family members in brainstorming what might help your grandchildren feel welcomed. Talk together about ways you can all change (rearranging spaces, adapting routines, etc.) to make this transition easier for everyone.
9. Schedule family fun time.
There is nothing like having fun together to build bonds of trust, security, and love. Try to plan a fun family activity each week that you can enjoy together. These activities will also help blend the children already in the home with the siblings. This activity does not have to be expensive. It’s much more vital that you all have something you can genuinely look forward to.
10. Supervision is key.
Be very careful about providing safe adult supervision. Limit the time the children spend alone and unsupervised, mainly if younger children are already in the home. Even if you think you know what all your grandchildren were exposed to or experienced before joining your home, you still may not know all of it. Your vigilance will help protect all the members of your home.
11. Coping with grief and loss is an uneven process.
You know your grandchildren are better off with you, but they may not initially understand that. Your grandchildren will each grieve differently than you expect them to and different than their siblings. Before they can celebrate the safety and stability you provide, they need space and time to grapple with their losses. You can learn more about their losses in this article to help you learn how to help them process it.
12. The holidays might not all be happy.
Be aware that the holidays and tribal traditions might prove particularly challenging – especially the first one or two for which the children are with you. Remember, children who have experienced trauma often struggle to navigate changes in daily routine, familiar foods, and additional sensory input common to big celebrations or sacred events.
Further, these activities might trigger memories of times with their parents or reminders of their losses. Managing all those triggers and feelings with a sibling group can be hard work. Be sure to schedule downtime for yourselves to recover.