Blending a family of your children with a grandchild, niece, or nephew can involve raising children out of birth order. Your nephew may be older than your oldest child, or your granddaughter may now be the middle child of the kids living in your home. Do you wonder how to do what is best for all the children you are raising, regardless of their ages or who their parents are? Every child should have a family who understands their unique gifts and challenges and is equipped to help them thrive.
Don’t fool yourself — raising a relative’s child that disrupts the birth order of your children is a complicated job. These rules will help you prepare and be successful in this role.
8 Rules of Thumb When Raising Children Out of Birth Order
1. Keep an Eye on the Oldest.
Pay close attention when taking in a relative child means that your oldest child is no longer the oldest one being raised in your home. This role change is often the most difficult for this child. You should keep an eye on his adjustment and look for signs of stress or anxiety over his changing role. Keep communication between you and your oldest child open and honest.
There will likely be less sense of disruption if the eldest child being displaced is under three years old. They haven’t yet had the time to settle into the “power” or role of being the oldest. There is also less sense of displacement when the new eldest child is a different gender. For example, your son will still be the oldest boy, even though he may now have an older “sister.”
2. Streamline and Simplify Your Life During This Transition.
Plan on spending focused time at home with your new family while everyone adjusts. Get help with the everyday tasks that others can handle for you. This might include things like meal prep, grocery delivery, house cleaning, or laundry help. Simplify your responsibilities so you can pay attention to your new child’s transition and the changing relationships within your family.
3. Schedule One on One Time with the Kids.
Plan for each adult to spend alone time with each child in your family. This includes the kids already in the home and the new additions to your home. You might need to get help with childcare and schedule “Grandma dates” on your calendar in advance. Prioritize this time with each child. It will shield them individually through the transition. It also supports your family culture as a whole unit.
4. Put Your Support Network to Work.
Arrange support for the children already in your home. This could be a regular play dates with a favorite friend or time with other family members during the transition. These special times will help them cope with the changes they are experiencing. Your family’s success will depend on your ability to support each child in the family emotionally. However, that does not mean you alone have to provide that support.
While you are getting support for the kids, make sure to arrange care for you and your partner. You could consider a mother’s helper or another relative to come on the weekends so you can catch up on “Auntie tasks.” Think about setting up a consistent date night for you and your partner and schedule a regular, trusted babysitter or relative.
5. Give the Kids Voice and Choice.
Your changing family will be more successful if each member feels like they have a voice in the process and throughout the transition. Allow them to talk about their feelings and concerns. Brainstorm how to build successful relationships with each other. Create check-in times to hear from each other, such as a weekly family meeting. Use your one-on-one time with each kid to talk about the transition and new relationships within the family.
6. Don’t Treat Virtual Twins the Same.
Raising a relative’s child who is close in age to your biological child is sometimes called “virtual twinning.” If this is the case, create space for each kid’s individuality and independence. Let them be their own person. A lot will depend on the personality of the child being “twinned” and of the new child coming into your family. Neither child should feel pressured to be the other’s twin or best friend, especially in the beginning.
Consider keeping virtual twins in separate classes at school if they end up in the same grade. Learn to celebrate each child’s unique skills and spirit. Don’t refer to or compare their academic achievement. Instead, praise each child’s special strengths and character growth.
7. Larger Families Feel the Changes Differently.
Larger families (those with four or more kids already in the home) tend to experience the effects of disrupted birth orders less intensely. There are already many different relationships going on between you. This can make the changes less noticeable. However, remember that even in a large family, displacing the oldest child is still likely to be the most difficult change in roles and dynamics for that child.
8. Don’t Tie Their Age to Their Privileges.
When you are parenting multiple ages, resist the urge to tie your kids’ privileges to their ages. The new child you’ve welcomed to your home might not be ready for the same privileges that your other children can handle. Instead, talk about each child’s individual readiness. This includes both the responsibilities and perks of being part of your family.
For example, staying home alone isn’t an automatic privilege at age 12 for your family. It’s a milestone one can earn, by showing responsibility and trustworthiness. In your home, the kids have to learn how to be in the house alone safely and without feeling anxiety or fear.
Be Patient with the Transition
You’re preparing your family for some pretty significant changes. Be patient with your kids while they work through the process. After all, any changes in role take time for everyone impacted.
While you’re supporting your blended family through this process, don’t forget to give yourself plenty of grace and patience too. You are entering one of those seasons in life where self-care is especially critical. Pour extra effort and intention into your children to settle them into new dynamics and relationships. But be sure to prioritize your physical, emotional, and mental health as well. You can read “Making Self-Care a Routine” on this site for ideas to help you care well for yourself.