No one-size-fits-all solution exists for raising a loved one’s child in your home. Depending upon the role this child’s parent can play, the safety and legal issues in your family’s particular circumstances, and other issues your family faces, you might have questions about how to share the parenting responsibilities for this child. Co-parenting is a term used to capture this relationship between you (the caregiver) and the child’s parents when the parents cannot raise the child in their home.
Practical Tips for Healthy Co-Parenting
Your grandchild, nephew, or cousin deserves a safe place to grow up and heal from the challenges they have experienced. Adults in their lives should work together and agree about what is best for this child in this season. These practical tips can help you all work together to support each other and the child.
1. Set Firm Rules.
Clearly define the boundaries of your role and the parent’s role. Ensure you all understand who is responsible for what and what each party is allowed to do. Be specific in your language.
For example, if your nephew cannot ride in a vehicle driven by a parent, say it clearly. Ensure that everyone caring for this child – the school, other care providers, and extended family – knows the rules. Consider acceptable alternatives, such as calling an aunt for a ride if Grandma cannot pick the child up from school. Or make sure that you’re available to drop the child off and pick them up for visits with their parents. Always keep each other informed of contingency plans that respect the rules.
Clearly defined and consistently enforced boundaries will reduce the chance of misunderstandings between adults. It also reduces the need for repeated negotiations about what is and is not allowed. Finally, this clarity increases the child’s sense of safety and trust that they will be cared for no matter which adult is with them.
2. Stay Positive.
No matter what issues caused this child to be in your care, keep the conversations and tone positive when discussing their parents. Avoid complaining or talking down about them. This doesn’t mean that you can’t talk about their parents. However, do it in a positive light as best you can. If you need a safe space to vent or discuss the challenges with your adult child, find a therapist, counselor, or trusted friend to help you work through those feelings confidentially.
3. Avoid Comparisons.
Be especially careful about making comparisons between this grandchild and their parents. Understandably, you might be worried about your grandchild struggling with the same issues that their parents face. However, unfavorable comparisons could weigh the child with shame and fear, even if you are afraid. This is another issue that would be appropriate to discuss with a therapist.
4. Keep the Child Out of the Middle.
It’s normal to have disagreements and arguments with your loved ones, but keeping the child out of those struggles is critical. Keep the issues between the adults and recognize that the child didn’t ask for any of this.
For example, if this child’s parent breaks your rule about driving with their child, assure the child that this was a grown-up choice and not their fault. Talk to them about how to handle this situation in the future and give the child specific options they can try next time. However, don’t let the child feel responsible for their parent’s choice to break the rule by questioning them or digging for more information.
Whenever possible, remind the parents that their child doesn’t deserve to be put in the middle – especially over hard conversations or sticky situations. Your grandchild or nephew should not feel forced to choose sides between you and their parents. You should be prepared to take the high ground on this matter, especially if the relationship with your loved one is rocky. If you struggle, contact a therapist or social worker for help.
5. Talk with the Child’s Parents about Working Together.
Actively listen to the parent’s concerns without judgment. Try not to point fingers. It’s tempting to assume that your decisions and opinions are correct. After all, you’re not the one who lost the option to keep this child at home. However, taking an adversarial approach doesn’t help keep the focus on what is best for this child. Remember, the child is the priority here.
There are 3 points to remember when planning this conversation:
a. Accept that mistakes have already been made.
Focus your energy on working together to make the best of the situation and still set the child up for success. The child’s parents deserve to be active voices in the conversation about how their child is raised.
b. Plan a time to have this conversation when you aren’t already arguing.
Once you are in the conversation, try to maintain relatively calm and focused on creating a plan you can both live with. If substance abuse (drugs or alcohol) is an issue, choose a time for this conversation when the child’s parents aren’t impacted.
c. Be prepared to make concessions when you can, especially about small things.
The more the parents feel like they are being heard and that their opinions matter, the more likely they are to go along in other instances when you can’t offer choices.
6. Form a Partnership with the Child’s Parent.
Please make every effort to create a workable, positive partnership for raising this child and supporting their family. Invite them to events, include them in big and small decisions, and acknowledge the positive role they’ve played in the past. Speak hopefully of their ability to resume parenting when they are back on their feet. These are things you can do that tell the child and the parents that you are in this with them and willing to work with them for the child’s success.
7. Bring in Professional Help.
Look around your community for resources to help you identify and define the roles you each play in this relationship. You could seek the help of a social worker, therapist, or mediator as a starting point.
If alcohol or drugs are part of the parents’ struggle, begin attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon for the support it offers you. If your grandchild, nephew, or niece is old enough, encourage them to attend an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon Family Group. They will benefit from knowing they are not alone.
It’s Not an Easy Path.
Your family’s version of sharing these roles will depend on your family’s unique circumstances and will likely change over time. Hopefully, the child’s parents can be more active as they heal, but recovery is often uneven. Things might deteriorate for the parents or volley between highs and lows. Likewise, your role in this child’s life may change over time. Be prepared to roll with the punches, and remember that the goal is to ensure safety and stability for the child through it all.
Sharing the responsibility of raising a loved one’s child is not easy – especially in the early days of figuring all this out. When you take the time to form a healthy co-parenting relationship with your child’s parents, things can be easier in the long run and better for the child.