As a grandparent, aunt, or cousin raising this child when their parents cannot do it, you have a unique opportunity to provide nurturing care and space for healing for your loved ones. However, the relationship you already have with this child’s parents, whether they are your adult children, in-laws, or even other extended family, can be complicated. Balancing that history with your intention to help this child work toward healing from chaos, loss, or neglect can add layers of complexity.
When caring for your grandchild or other loved one is intended to be a temporary situation, what can you do to support their plan for returning the child to his home? Here are some practical ways to support this family living together again in healthy, safe ways.
Supporting Reunification of Your Grandchild’s Family
1. Decide on a plan with the children’s parents.
Talk with the child’s parents about setting clear goals and steps you can all work toward to be sure the child can return home safely. Be honest and empathetic about the obstacles each of you face in achieving those goals.
A few practical parts to include in your plan might be:
- What do each of you think visits and other contacts might work best – including frequency, locations, supervision (or not).
- Will you, your grandchild, and their parents need therapies and outside support, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, professional counseling, parenting classes, respite care, and so on?
- Their transportation needs, or technology to support video calls, etc.
- How to handle holidays and other family events and traditional celebrations.
- Who is involved in communication and support from school, medical providers, and extra-curricular activities?
- What are the gaps or unresolved issues in the relationships among you, and how do you plan to resolve those gaps for the good of the child?
If you already have this child living in your home, you can still talk to their parents and work together on a plan for moving forward. However, if routines and habits are already established, please be prepared to negotiate. You might need to each make some compromises to set up a safe plan. You will need to exercise extra grace and flexibility if you are now switching gears to create a structured plan where one did not exist.
2. Show empathy for the parents’ challenges.
No matter the struggles between you and this child’s parents, it will help to put aside your judgments or assumptions about why these parents are struggling. It’s challenging and heartbreaking to see them in this circumstance. But if you can show them that you are with them and trying to understand their struggle, it’s much more likely that they will work with you for the child’s best interests.
3. Don’t put down the birth parents.
As much as you possibly can, speak highly of the child’s parents – to the child and when the child is listening. Every kid needs to look up to and respect their parents, and you have an opportunity to support that.
If you have a difficult history with their parents, find a safe place outside of the relationship and the child’s hearing to work through those feelings. Counseling, talking with a trusted tribal leader, or regular time away with a dear friend can be the space you need.
4. Assure the child that their parents love them.
Just as kids need to look up to their parents, they also need reassurance that they are precious to their mom and dad. Regularly remind the child of loving things their parents have done.
“Remember when your mom got you those race cars for your track? Wasn’t that so loving of her?”
5. Tell the parents that you know they love their child.
Parents who cannot care for their kids usually carry considerable shame and guilt. Regardless of your feelings about these parents’ choices, they need to know you do not doubt their love for this child. And make sure they know that you tell their child how much Mom and Dad love them.
Helping This Family Live Together Again Can Be Life-Changing
When your family’s goal is to return this child home to his parents, you can impact the next generation of your family. Even if it takes some time, outside help, and support, partnering with your family can show you all that families can heal and people can change. New beginnings can be life-changing for you all.
Check out these additional resources to help your family plan a healthy path forward:
- What do Kinship Caregivers Need to Succeed? a podcast from CreatingaFamily.org
- Partnering With Birth Parents to Promote Reunification, a factsheet from Child Welfare Information Gateway