Welcoming another child to your home, whether a grandchild, cousin or other loved one, can change how you relate to each other. It can create significant stress for all the children. There are practical suggestions you can try to help everyone in the family settles into the new rhythms.
Suggestions for Helping Kids in the Home Prepare for a New Child
Read and Play Together
You can help the existing children in the home understand the changes by reading books about other families that experience similar big changes. Look for books about fostering or kinship care, like the suggestions offered in these foster and kinship care book lists.
Another fun way to help your kids prepare is to role-play with them. You could make up a short play or storyline and tell a story about a child living with a grandparent. If that feels awkward or uncomfortable, use dolls and stuffed animals to discuss the transition everyone in the home will experience.
Talk About Other Families Like Yours
Your kids likely know families in your tribal community who have opened their homes to a family member. Connect with other family or friends who have offered kinship care for support and understanding. Discuss what they experienced and how the new child came to need this safe place to land.
Help the kids in your home understand why you are bringing this child to your home. Point out that it’s a standard way that your community supports each other. Talk about it matter-of-factly and frequently to help normalize the conversation and how families function.
However, please also prepare your kids that it’s crucial to protect the new family member’s privacy. Once the new child feels settled, you will understand better how much of their story they feel ready to share.
Prepare Your Kids for an Adjustment Period
You can lay the groundwork for reasonable expectations by discussing with your children how they have reacted to unexpected events. Talk about the fear, uncertainty, or stress they felt when they tried something new. Share times that you felt uncertain or fearful of something new. Explain that the new child will likely be having all these feelings when they come to your house.
This child has experienced hard things that created the need for a new place to live. Explain that this transition will feel even more stressful for their relative. Your kids might naturally feel jealous or resentful of the attention that their cousin gets during this transition – and that’s okay to feel those emotions. Prepare them for how to deal with their feelings by giving them suggestions:
- Ask me for a hug.
- Write a note and leave it by my bed.
- Ask for a break to handle your emotions.
- Take a walk or bike ride.
- Tell me you need to talk about it.
- Ask for time alone.
Prepare the Kids for The New Child’s Feelings
Help your kids understand that sometimes, people act in unpleasant ways when they are scared, hurting, or angry. Your grandchild or cousin might act out those big feelings by rejecting them or going to the other extreme and becoming clingy. Unfortunately, their cousin might also behave in mean or angry ways. Please talk with your kids in advance about these possibilities to help them understand how their cousin might cope.
Plan to frequently reassure your children that you can manage all these behaviors and challenges. However, be quick to also assure your kids that you will help this child work through their struggles. And that you won’t allow harm to happen while you are supporting this child to cope with unhappy feelings.
Plan to Stick Close to Home
Explain to your children in advance that the new child might feel stressed and overwhelmed by all the changes they are experiencing. Tell them your plan is for the family to stick close to home in the early days of this transition. It might help to compare this transition time to a family in your community who just welcomed a new baby. The recovery time is helpful for everyone to adapt to the new family dynamics.
Help the kids feel more confident about slowing life down by asking them to brainstorm things you all can look forward to doing at home:
- Make a poster together of a “Fun at Home” wish list.
- Replenish your arts & crafts supplies.
- Buy a giant Lego set to assemble over several weeks.
- Consider investing in a swing set or trampoline for the yard.
If you have older children, get their buy-in by planning their social events in advance. Negotiate a reasonable number of activities, especially if they are not driving. Stock up on their favorite snacks or buy take-out and delivery gift cards to get you through tough days. Enlist their help in preparing a few favorite meals for the freezer.
Pay Attention to Birth Order
If this new child is changing the birth order of any of the kids in the house, please pay attention to the children whose positions in the family is changing. For example, if your cousin’s child is older than the oldest child living at home, pay special attention to how your (former) eldest child adapts. This applies to changes for the only boy, girl, or youngest.
Expect to offer more sensitivity and compassion for the changes your children experience. However, remember that you cannot entirely prevent the struggle your child may experience. Learn more from the article on this site titled, Rules of Thumb When Raising a Relative’s Child Disrupts Birth Order.
Expect Regressions
It’s common for kids who have experienced significant life changes to act younger than their age for various reasons. Sometimes, the child seeks reassurance and comfort. Other times, children act younger than their age to gain attention. Regressing behaviors can be confusing for everyone. Help your kids understand that their cousin uses these more immature behaviors to cope with confusing emotions. Let your kids know they can come to you with frustrations or worries. Give your relative space and grace to work through their feelings by being present and safe. Encourage your other kids to do the same.
Consistency is Your Friend
It is critical to keep your household routines as regular as possible. Keeping the schedule simple, predictable, and familiar will support all of you as you adapt. Consistency builds trust and communicates safety to the kids who feel unsure about this transition.
Try to schedule one-on-one time with your existing kids. Focused attention from you will help them all feel secure. Try regular nightly check-ins or morning chats over breakfast to gauge their adjustment.
Be Intentional as You Welcome This New Child
It takes preparation to support your family when a loved one comes to you for a season. Your family can enjoy knowing that you are a safe place for this child. However, you can also build your family’s understanding of their community and boosts their empathy skills when you go about this change with intentionality and care. You will set your family up for success in the transition by trying these suggestions and keeping a close eye on how each child copes with the changes.