Your grandchild (or other loved one’s child) came to you with the weight of scary or challenging experiences. Your priority is to help this child feel safe, loved, and supported. This site, your extended family, and professionals in your community are surrounding you with the tools and encouragement you need to settle this child into your home and begin to heal. As you spend time with this child, you may hear painful or uncomfortable snippets of their life and feel ill-equipped to guide them. One particularly challenging conversation may be around the drug or alcohol abuse they witnessed by other adults around them.
How to Talk to Your Grandchild About Their Parent’s Substance Abuse
Living with someone struggling with substance abuse can be scary and confusing. Children rarely know how to process what they experienced. Now that your loved one’s child is living with you, there are practical things that will help you talk with this child about what they witnessed and how it impacts them.
1. Keep it age- and ability-appropriate.
Every child will process these experiences differently, and it might take some time to figure out this child’s understanding. Once you know their ability to handle these conversations, aim your talks at their ability, not just their age.
This resource from Nemours Kids Health can help you explain drugs, alcohol, substance abuse, and related issues in age- and stage-appropriate ways.
Remember that kids who were exposed to drugs or alcohol during pregnancy may have delayed skills to understand these complex issues. The same is true of kids who experienced early childhood chaos, neglect, or loss. Try not to gage your language to their birthday age if you know they may have these delays. Instead, aim a little younger than you think they may need.
For example, when discussing addiction with a young child of about 3 or 4 years old, it’s okay to talk about it as a sickness that makes Mom or Dad want things that are bad for them. As the child grows in understanding, you can flesh that out more specifically to their parents’ situation.
You can read “Explaining Prenatal Alcohol or Drug Exposure to Your Grandchild” and similar articles on this site for more information.
2. Make room for their feelings.
Even when they are right on target for your grandchild’s ability to understand, these conversations may stir up complex feelings. That’s okay – the topic is tender for all of you who love family members who struggle with addiction or substance abuse. Give this child room to express how they feel about their experiences. They may be angry, sad, ashamed, or feel guilty. Assure them that any of those feelings are typical, and they can process them all with you.
However, try not to jump on the bandwagon and dump your feelings about the loved one’s addiction or abuse. To continue being a safe adult for this child, find another outlet for your feelings, like a counselor, therapist, or trusted leader in your tribal community.
3. Practice and talk about prevention.
While this child is living with you, model healthy habits like consistent sleep routines, nutritious meals, family dinners, regular exercise or movement, enjoyable hobbies, and spiritual practices.
Don’t just do these things in front of your grandchild, though. Talk about them and how they help you stay mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy.
For example, if your grandchild is younger, narrate your daily activities aloud: “Grandma is doing yoga to calm her mind and heart. Would you like to join me?” For an older child, you can say, “I’m going for a twenty-minute walk to clear my mind after this call with your mother. Would a walk help you process that conversation, too?”
4. Keep it respectful.
Regardless of your feelings about this child’s parents, it’s essential that they still love and respect their parents. You might, again, have strong feelings and disappointments around this parent’s choices and struggles. While caring for this child, it will be most helpful to process those feelings elsewhere. When the child asks questions or wants to talk about their Mom or Dad, please do your best to frame conversations respectfully.
Remember that this child deserves to feel love for and loved by all their adults. They need to feel hopeful that Mom or Dad will be healthy again – especially when they are very young and don’t understand the chaos and transitions they experience. However, even if they are older or it becomes clear they might not ever be able to live with their parents again, these children still need to be hopeful about recovery, relationships, and emotional safety. Your ability to honor their parents’ dignity will go a long way to building and sustaining hope.
5. Be honest.
This child will feel safe in your care if they know you will always be honest. Establish trust early by consistently doing what you say you will do. Be reliable, predictable, and consistent in your interactions with your grandchild. Provide a home environment that is also structured, predictable, and consistent to maximize the foundations of emotional safety and trust. Keep building on those things. When hard conversations arise, your nephew or niece will know they can count on you to tell them the truth.
Of course, telling the truth must also be age- and stage-appropriate. As the child grows in their ability to trust you, they will also grow in their capacity for more complex truth. Even when the truths you tell might be painful, the child can trust that you will remain with them throughout the experience. You have built trust by your consistent, safe presence, which makes the truth easier to bear.
Conversations About Substance Abuse Are Never Easy
There is nothing simple or straightforward about helping a hurting child through their parents’ addictions or substance abuse. However, you can ease and soften the journey by providing your safe, comforting presence and nurture. This child can find healing and hope when you commit to walk this path with them.
You can learn more about supporting children of addicted parents at GatewayFoundation.org.