When your grandchild goes off the rails with tantrums, disruptive behaviors, or dramatic emotional meltdowns, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and feel out of control. You might be at your wit’s end with these behaviors. Still, you can summon empathy for this child. In that case, you can change your responses and teach them the valuable character trait of empathy in the process.
Remember that Behavior is the Expression of a Need.
This child has come to you with a lifetime of challenging experiences. Whether it’s because of abuse, their parents’ drug or alcohol misuse, or other painful circumstances, they are carrying a lot of loss and chaos in their hearts and bodies. No matter how old they are, they may also be ill-equipped to deal with those losses and chaos safely or healthily. So, they behave in ways that get them the attention they need – even if it’s negative attention.
You can be an example of healthier life skills by coming alongside them and offering a safe space and unconditional care and nurture that leads them to heal. When healing from the earlier chaos and loss begins, behaviors change. This process starts with offering them your empathy.
5 Practical Ways to Be Empathetic with a Hurting Child
Empathy is defined by the dictionary as the actions of understanding, being sensitive to, and even feeling the thoughts and feelings of another person. You don’t have to share the exact experience of this child to be able to sit with them in the feelings their experiences with trauma or loss have created.
These tips can help you be empathetic with your grandchild, nephew, or cousin. In choosing empathy toward this child, you also model coping skills to support them for a lifetime.
1. Step into their feelings.
When this child is having a tantrum in the kitchen, or when you get a report that they acted out in school, step into that moment with the child. Don’t accept the behavior; communicate acceptance of the child’s feelings. For example,
“John, it looks as if you are having a really hard time losing that game with your brother. Losing really stinks. I always feel (angry, disappointed, upset) when I lose something important to me, too. Are you feeling (angry, disappointed, upset) too?”
Helping the child name their feelings is an additional life skill that will serve him well beyond this challenging moment.
2. Practice the art of the pause.
Your grandchild’s big emotions and significant behaviors will benefit from a break in these moments. Be gentle and calm, but allow the child to pause the chaos momentarily. Taking a time-out from the situation’s intensity is a valuable coping tool that many kids need help learning.
This pause doesn’t erase the events that led to the outbursts. Instead, it acknowledges that big feelings are too hard to handle in the heat of the moment. It gives time and space that says they are feeling out of control. You are telling them it is okay to put it on hold to calm yourselves down. Returning to the situation once calm gives you a clear head to handle the issues safely and healthily.
For example,
“John, Grandma feels like she cannot get a handle on her thinking brain right now. Would you like to take a pause with me so we can both calm down? We can come back to the table and talk about it in 15 minutes. I’m going to take my pause on the couch. Where do you want to sit and pause?”
3. Co-regulate with the child.
As you narrate this child’s challenging behavior, from the example above, slow your breathing and talk in a calm, measured tone. Even if you must take a deep breath and count to ten to calm yourself down, do it in front of the child and then invite them to do the same with you. For example,
“John, I feel stressed when I see you throwing a temper tantrum. I’m going to count to ten and breathe slowly to calm myself down. Would you like to try some deep breathing, too?”
The child might be too far into their rage to join you, but you are showing him tangible tools for calming down. Continue calming your emotions and reactions and offering him your regulation. This is called co-regulation, and our kids learn self-regulation best when we share our regulation with them.
4. Brainstorm solutions together.
Depending on this child’s age and ability to communicate, invite the child to a conversation in their own words about what happened and what they were feeling. They may need open-ended questions from you, like, “What happened inside your body when you lost the game?” Or, “Can you tell me what felt hard about losing that game?” Please encourage them to name the feelings or sensations in their body.
Go on to brainstorm with them – again, in age- and skill-appropriate ways – how they might handle this situation next time. You could role-play with different examples of safer, healthy coping skills if they are young or very expressive. For older kids, you will need a lighter touch to this conversation. However, you can still have a collaborative discussion even if you use fewer words to meet the need. Your comforting, understanding presence in this process is critical, regardless of their age or ability to talk it through.
For example,
“John, I want you and your brother to keep playing games together. They can be so much fun and I am positive you can come up with some better ways to handle your (anger, sadness, disappointment) over losing. What ideas do you have for this?”
Part of brainstorming is letting all the ideas have a place, which can be a fun part of the learning experience. Help lighten the mood by throwing in a few ridiculous ideas of your own. Get your grandchild “all in” to learn new responses by trying out a few of their ideas in your role-playing.
5. Communicate this child’s inherent value.
No matter the outcome of these earlier interventions, ensure you end every situation by assuring the child of their preciousness. Kids who have been impacted by trauma often carry a sense of shame or blame for the experiences they’ve had. We know that grown-up problems are never a child’s fault, but this child’s brain might not realize it. When they struggle with out-of-control behavior, they might feel that sense of shame rising again and coloring how they see themselves. They often feel like they are bad kids or that “everything bad is their fault.”
When they have an outburst or have been difficult in the classroom, talk it through but end the conversation with affirming words about who they are. Give them specific language about the great character traits you see or their progress in this area. Ensure they know they are precious, cherished, and full of greatness.
For example,
“John, you did a great job talking about hard feelings today after you lost that game. I’m so proud of how hard you worked to calm down and come up with better ideas for next time. You are a kind, loving brother and I’m glad you are my grandson. We will figure this out and keep growing together.”
Your Empathetic Presence Offers Opportunities for Learning New Skills.
Your grandchild or other loved one may have come to you with some painful experiences and unhealthy responses. But they don’t have to be stuck with those skills for life. You can gently, lovingly offer your empathy and emotional safety. You will build trust between you, opening them to desire new skills and ways of behaving as they grow in that safe space.
You can read more about co-regulation here.