The time your grandchild spends in your care, in the nurturing, stable environment of your home, can be a powerful force that protects them from risky behaviors like underage drinking or drug use. You know that you cannot erase the experiences this child had before coming to your home. Still, there are things you can do while they live with you that can reduce the chances of those risky behaviors.
Relationship is the Key
While you are raising your loved one’s child, you should be prepared to tackle the topic of alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes head-on. However, that can only happen if you establish your home as a safe space where this child can talk openly. Being a tween or teen is sometimes lonely and isolating because they are naturally “in their own heads” as they navigate this stage of life.
So, be present and open to their questions, concerns, and struggles. Be curious, without judgment, about their experiences before coming to your home. Ask open-ended questions about their peers, what they do in school, and what they do with friends. Try to make your home “the spot” where the young people want to come. A pro tip is to offer them food every time they come by – most tweens and teens have difficulty refusing snacks!
Establishing a safe, open relationship with this young person might feel challenging. They have endured challenges and loss – some of which landed them in the position of needing your safe care. They might initially resent you, but try not to take it personally. Instead, try some of these things to open doors between you for creating that relationship.
1. Get educated about substance abuse.
It sounds simplistic, but when you learn about substance use and abuse, you can identify the risk factors and signs that your grandchild is struggling. Additionally, getting solid, evidence-based education can help you dispel stereotypes and myths you might be believing about alcohol or drug addiction. An excellent resource to learn more about addiction and substance abuse is the Partnership to End Addiction.
2. Learn the protective factors.
In addition to living in a safe, stable, nurturing home, your grandchild needs other experiences in their life that can help them avoid alcohol, drug, and other substance abuse. Some of those protective factors include things like:
- Healthy self-esteem or self-confidence
- Connection to faith, religion, or spirituality
- Skills of perseverance, grit, or determination
- Safe and healthy social connections with peers
- Developing self-control and self-regulation
- Supervision or monitoring by safe adults
- Academic achievement (but not solely grades-focused)
- Anti-drug policies in school and at home
- Strong community connections
3. Understand the value of prevention.
As the stable, caring adult in this child’s life, you have the unique opportunity to be the primary force of prevention in their life. Research tells us that parental figures are far more effective influences in an adolescent’s life regarding risk-taking behaviors. Your presence, open-hearted acceptance of this child, and commitment to their success will give you the door to help them make wise choices. When they make unhealthy decisions – as kids often do! – your presence will also help them fix things and move on to wiser behaviors.
4. Offer alternate experiences and healthy risks.
Tweens and teens love taking risks – it’s a critical element of helping their identity develop. They commonly seek that “rush” that forbidden drugs or drinking might offer, so use that willingness for a healthy advantage. Explore opportunities that will thrill them and teach them to expand their boundaries and comfort zones. These opportunities will be different for each child. Some ideas could be:
- Trying out for the school play
- Getting their first job
- Taking up rock climbing or mountain biking
- Learning a new instrument
- Self-defense classes
Be creative in the opportunities you offer and take time to learn what this child is interested in trying.
You can safely monitor their risk-taking so that they know you are still present and open. Consider joining the activity with them!
5. Teach healthy coping skills.
Stress-management
Frequently, kids try drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes when they are anxious and stressed and, therefore, most vulnerable to the temptation to find relief from the stress. To combat that temptation, teach them how to cope with their stress with exercise, breathing techniques, meditation, prayer, or talking it out with you.
There are practical tools to help them learn in the article on this site, “Helping Children and Teens Handle the Stress of Change.” There are a variety of resources available at the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, as well.
Healthy escapism
Healthy stress management sometimes includes healthy escapism. It’s okay for your grandchild to want or need to retreat from their life into video games, books, sports, or their friend groups. As long as those are held in a healthy balance, and you don’t worry about unsafe influences or behaviors, it’s okay to allow them to take these breaks. You can model healthy escapism by reading a good book in the common spaces of your home, knitting while you wait for them after practice, or joining a community activity you enjoy.
Safe, positive peer connections
Your grandchild needs a network of good influences around them. Whether they make friends quickly or not, facilitate opportunities for them to be with friends their age who you know to be good influences. Consider also how to safely connect them with kids slightly older than they are, who are good examples and thriving in their own ways. Think of it as giving your grandchild something to aspire to. Mentoring programs in your community can be an excellent resource.
You are the “Power of One” for This Child
A recent study by Harvard University identified that all kids have an essential need for healthy relationships with adults. Surprisingly, it only takes one caring adult to significantly impact a child’s life. As you continue to form and deepen your connection with your grandchild or other loved one, you are that “power of one” that helps them avoid drug or alcohol abuse.